The dishes pile up. I wash them, make room for new ones.
The laundry rises. I wash, and it rises again.
I change a diaper, clean a sticky face, sweep crumbs off the floor.
Daily, this ebb and flow.
Some days I allow my joy to do the same thing - ebb and flow, along with the highs and lows of the day.
After the older's playdate and the younger's morning with me, the phone rang. My computer was ready to be picked up. No, they hadn't been able to recover any data from the dead hard drive. All of my pictures, my writing, my work, my taxes, all gone save for what I had deemed important enough to back up on an external drive. When had I last backed up our photos?
Ebb...
We all headed to the mall first. Had lunch, browsed the stores. Picked up new dry-erase markers so the boys could continue their window masterpieces. Bought an over-sized ball for the toddler, ball-obsessed child that he is. We delighted in his excitement.
Flow...
Picked up the computer and headed home. Slipped away for a rare child-free shower. Opened the pink box I'd picked up at the grocery store the week before. Told myself not to take it, I'd only end up feeling disappointed if it was negative. Surely there were other explanations for my recent bouts of dizziness and nausea, for my exhaustion and bad temper, for my perpetually stuffed nose so reminiscent of the early weeks of my second pregnancy. Took it anyway. Negative. Disappointment. (Why? I have a baby right now. I'm in no rush to push him to grow up, adopt the role of older brother too soon. I have no strong desire to be pregnant already...and yet how quickly I become attached the idea of being pregnant!)
Ebb...
The older one requests a bath. I get him set up, keep the younger one out, let him play for a while. He comes out later, wrinkled and shivering. Did you empty the tub? He avoids the question, tells me about playing with his new bath toys. Yes, but did you empty the tub? A loud sploosh from the bathroom answers my question. I run in to pull the baby out but find him grinning instead, pleased with himself and amused to be in the bathtub fully dressed. Everyone laughs, Daddy brings the camera, big brother climbs back in to play for a while longer.
Flow...
And then all the pictures are gone, backup drive wiped clean. What has he done, why can't he ever leave well enough alone, why isn't he ever careful?
Ebb...
More tinkering and he finds what he'd lost.
Flow...
But I haven't backed up since mid-December and there go all of the baby's first birthday pictures, Christmas pictures, everything from the first months of this year. How could I be so irresponsible?
Ebb...
We settled in for a light supper, make it a family movie night. We laugh at the plot and I watch them all, tell myself that this is what matters, the doing, the being, the memories created even without pictures to document them.
Flow...
The day finally ends and I lay down, weary, ready to pour out disappointment and exhaustion. Instead I am caught by surprise as gratitude rises. Thank you for these boys...for this man...for memories of the past and hope for the future. Thank you.
I wanted to give you the most massive hug because when you talked about the pink box, this is exactically what has been happening here. I have had this desperation for another child and it has consumed my whole mind for over a month. It is really hard to get a negative, wheather trying or not. Really flippen hard. Its been a battle of peace with God, and my husband who is so done having children. This is the longest I havent been pregnant with a cycle in over four years and my body is going insane. HUGE HUGE HUGE HUUUUGE HUGS TO YOU MAMMA.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about the loss of the pictures, that is heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Young Mom. I was pretty devastated for a while, and I'll probably always feel a little sad when I think about it. I'm grateful it wasn't worse, though. It certainly could have been.
ReplyDeleteBarefoot Buttercup, thanks so much, that really means a lot to me. I can relate to that consuming desperation. I was that way after the birth of my first son, especially after he turned one, and it took us a full year after that before my body allowed me to conceive (breastfeeding prevented me from ovulating). I took so many pregnancy tests, convincing myself that this time my symptoms were For Real, and each time was the same crushing disappointment. It was definitely, as you said, a battle of peace with God.
I told myself that this time around, I wouldn't test at all until I was SURE. Well, I broke my own rule, but at least I managed 16 full months before testing. My first was only 4 months old the first time I thought I might be pregnant and took a test (because I was exhausted - which, you know, probably had NOTHING to do with having a 4 month old...).
I'm sorry you're going through this too. Hugs and prayers for you as well!!
I like the ebb and flow...I just call it the rollercoaster. And try to remember that for every downhill, there has to be an uphill. Hugs to you. :)
ReplyDeleteThe loss of photos is indeed heartbreaking, but perhaps they are not all lost - anything you've uploaded to your blog is backed up in a sense, and is retrievable. I know the bulk of them wouldn't be online, but there will probably be a few.
ReplyDeleteThe psychosomatic effects of a hoped for pregnancy can be quite convincing - the cycle before I conceived Bea I was actually *on birth control pills* and had convinced myself I was pregnant. Which probably wasn't that difficult because the hormones mimic pregnancy and trick your brain into believing it. But after that crazy-making experience I went off the pills and never looked back.
The way the desire to get pregnant can become all-consuming is totally astounding to me, but I guess it makes sense that we have a compelling biological drive to reproduce.
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your pictures. I know how difficult that is. My husband and I had our cameras stolen on our Honeymoon, so the first three days of it are not recorded because we had to go out and buy a new one. You are right though, we remember and really that's what is important.
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
ReplyDelete...I always wonder about people who enjoyed being pregnant. It kind of makes me jealous. Partially why I decided to no longer have kids was because of how much I hate being pregnant.
Angie, what a great way to look at it. :)
ReplyDeleteMichelle, I'm glad I do have the ones on my blog. It definitely softened the blow a bit! It's the loss of those first birthday pics that really stings.
I think you're right, it must be that biological drive to reproduce that makes the idea of pregnancy so all-consuming. Crazy.
Aww, Korey, how disappointing that must have been!
Lindsay, I think I just conveniently forget how much I *don't* enjoy being pregnant! All those aches and pains, the nausea and exhaustion - not my idea of fun. And yet at the same time I do love it. Just something about having life growing inside me!
OH Cynthia!! Big hugs!!! As you know I can relate to the dissappointment of not being pregnant....its hard!!
ReplyDeleteBut I can also relate to the devastation of losing your pictures... HUGS.... I lost a LOT of luke's pics when my hard drive got erased... but a recovery specialist was able to recover many of them... I'm assuming you did take your hard drive to a recovery specialist? I'm so sorry.
I have a couple of our children puddle jumping would you like me to send them to you??
Hugs
Trace
Aww Trace, I'm sorry you lost pictures too! I took our hard drive to a Mac repair shop and they were unable to recover anything. I didn't take it to a specialist because I was told it would cost thousands of dollars for what in the end only amounted to a couple months worth of photos (and my darn taxes!!). Was it that expensive for you?
ReplyDeleteI have a couple of our boys puddle jumping as well (it's been my desktop picture for the longest time - such cuties!!) but I'd love the ones you have if it's not inconvenient for you to email them. Thanks so much for offering!