As parents, we try to look for ways to say "yes" to our child's requests, allowing them to explore their world and develop their independence. Often, however, our answer must be either "no" or "not yet". When declining or postponing a young child's request, whether because we are unavailable at the moment or because the request itself is unacceptable in some manner, there are a variety of ways to get the message across without a direct "no".
These variations acknowledge the child's requests, validate their desires and emotions, and give them a clear picture of what options are open to them. Because the focus is on acknowledgement and positive phrasing, the child is likely to be more receptive to the response and less likely to experience overwhelming emotions and melt down as they otherwise might in the face of a simple "no".
Using age-appropriate phrasing, consider the following alternatives:
Timing
The answer to the request may be yes, but perhaps that exact moment is not the best time. In that case, postpone the request using a variation of the following phrases:
When...then...
"When your pajamas are on, then we can read a story."
Yes, after ___.
"Yes, we can go to the park after your toys are back in their basket."
I can help you with that after ___.
"I will get you a glass of milk after I finish washing these pots."
Right now I am ___. Would you like to join/help me?
"Right now I am doing the laundry. Would you like to put this shirt into the washing machine for me?"
Wish Fulfillment
Sometimes a child's request cannot be accommodated. It might sound like a great idea to the child, but it's simply not going to happen. Try wish fulfillment, a form of playful parenting, to acknowledge your child's desires:
That would be fun, wouldn't it? Let's try ___ instead.
"It would be fun to paint the dog. She would be so colourful! I don't think she'd like it very much though. Let's collect some rocks and paint them instead."
I wish we could ___, and then _[expand on fantasy]_! How about we _[more acceptable activity]_?
"You want ice cream right now? I wish we could too! I'd put cherries and chocolate sauce on mine. What colour of sprinkles would you put on yours? Wow, that sounds delicious. Talking about food is making me feel so hungry. Dinner is nearly ready, so let's set the table together."
Redirection and Distraction
While aspects of redirection and distraction can be found in the above phrasing, these approaches are useful in their own right. Here the focus is on avoiding power-struggles through simple observation followed by providing acceptable options:
"You may not play with Mommy's book. Here is one of yours."
"It is time for Quiet Time. Which CD would you like to listen to?"
"I see that you are spitting. You may go spit in the sink. When you are done, would you like to read a book with me?"
Additional Resources
Of course, this is only one tool for use in one particular scenario. Taking "no" out of the equation helps to side-step a power-struggle with a small child, but it holds no guarantees; meltdowns and tantrums happen during this time of development when young children are learning how to express and work through their emotions. When the situation warrants it, reflect the child's feelings back to him and, if needed, offer help in expressing those feelings in a healthy, appropriate, and acceptable manner.
For further reading as it relates to the gentle discipline of young children, check out these additional resources:
The Hows of Discipline
Ten Alternatives to Time-Out
Gentle Discipline for Toddlers
Showing posts with label attachment parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label attachment parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, 2 May 2017
Thursday, 13 March 2014
Every bit as important
When they're little, it's easy for me to understand that my babies need me at bedtime. Sometimes they need help falling asleep, and so I rock and sing and whisper assurances and prayers. Sometimes they wake up and need some reassurance before they close their eyes again. Their cries tell me, in the only way they are able, that they need something from me. And so I go to them.
My first baby needed a lot when it came to sleep. Those were long hours of nursing, rocking, swaying, and patting. My second needed less, just a comforting hand on his back as he drifted off. My third, she scarcely even needs that much, but when she needs me, I'm there.
She woke up crying last night before I'd gone to bed myself. I went to her and sat with her, rocking slowly until she was ready to lie down again. She needs me and I go; such is life with a baby.
That first baby, though, he doesn't cry when he needs me anymore. He's coming up seven years old next month. He's long and lanky and his face looks older every morning, honestly. In many ways, his growing independence requires less of me now; I have recently seen it referred to as "the breathing years" and that describes it perfectly. No, he doesn't cry to have his needs met. He just asks. He lets his needs be known in the clearest way...and somehow, to my discredit, that makes them seem less urgent to me.
Never is this more apparent than after bedtime. Just as he did when his younger brother was a baby, he now waits for me to finish putting his baby sister to bed. He sees me coming down the hallway or hears me talking in the living and he calls out quietly: "Will you come have a snuggle with me?"
Unfortunately, it's easy for me at the end of these long days to fall into the habit of putting him off. The baby is asleep and I'm ready for my exhale; must I put forth this one last effort? Sometimes I tell him I'll be a few minutes - and by the time I finally go, he's fallen asleep. Or I beg off, telling him I'm just too tired or I'm busy with something else. After all, I've already hugged him good night. He doesn't really need me to go sit with him.
Oh, but he does. And those nights when I go are the nights I get to see more of what's on his mind and in his heart. We still talk about the best and worst parts of our days. He still loves for me to tell him a bad day story. He asks questions that I don't hear during the day. He shares his thoughts and his hopes and his ideas. These are the moments when I feel like I'm seeing more of who he is - not the boy who, during the day, sometimes antagonizes his brother or occasionally balks at doing what I've asked of him or frequently tells me he's hungry every five minutes, but rather the clever dreamer whose plans are filled with the most delightful optimism and joy.
I remember being a child. I remember the way the stillness of the night, when my siblings were asleep, somehow opened something inside me and made those deeper words flow more freely. I remember times when I was able to have those late-night conversations, and other times when I had to swallow the words back down or whisper them to myself in the dark.
I don't want to miss those opportunities to hear my growing baby reveal his inner thoughts.
I've been making it a priority these past weeks, even on those nights when he doesn't come out to ask. I slip in, return his inevitable grin, and scootch his legs over to make room for me. And we talk.
And it's every bit as important and necessary as the time I spend putting his baby sister to sleep.
My first baby needed a lot when it came to sleep. Those were long hours of nursing, rocking, swaying, and patting. My second needed less, just a comforting hand on his back as he drifted off. My third, she scarcely even needs that much, but when she needs me, I'm there.
She woke up crying last night before I'd gone to bed myself. I went to her and sat with her, rocking slowly until she was ready to lie down again. She needs me and I go; such is life with a baby.
That first baby, though, he doesn't cry when he needs me anymore. He's coming up seven years old next month. He's long and lanky and his face looks older every morning, honestly. In many ways, his growing independence requires less of me now; I have recently seen it referred to as "the breathing years" and that describes it perfectly. No, he doesn't cry to have his needs met. He just asks. He lets his needs be known in the clearest way...and somehow, to my discredit, that makes them seem less urgent to me.
Never is this more apparent than after bedtime. Just as he did when his younger brother was a baby, he now waits for me to finish putting his baby sister to bed. He sees me coming down the hallway or hears me talking in the living and he calls out quietly: "Will you come have a snuggle with me?"
Unfortunately, it's easy for me at the end of these long days to fall into the habit of putting him off. The baby is asleep and I'm ready for my exhale; must I put forth this one last effort? Sometimes I tell him I'll be a few minutes - and by the time I finally go, he's fallen asleep. Or I beg off, telling him I'm just too tired or I'm busy with something else. After all, I've already hugged him good night. He doesn't really need me to go sit with him.
Oh, but he does. And those nights when I go are the nights I get to see more of what's on his mind and in his heart. We still talk about the best and worst parts of our days. He still loves for me to tell him a bad day story. He asks questions that I don't hear during the day. He shares his thoughts and his hopes and his ideas. These are the moments when I feel like I'm seeing more of who he is - not the boy who, during the day, sometimes antagonizes his brother or occasionally balks at doing what I've asked of him or frequently tells me he's hungry every five minutes, but rather the clever dreamer whose plans are filled with the most delightful optimism and joy.
I remember being a child. I remember the way the stillness of the night, when my siblings were asleep, somehow opened something inside me and made those deeper words flow more freely. I remember times when I was able to have those late-night conversations, and other times when I had to swallow the words back down or whisper them to myself in the dark.
I don't want to miss those opportunities to hear my growing baby reveal his inner thoughts.
I've been making it a priority these past weeks, even on those nights when he doesn't come out to ask. I slip in, return his inevitable grin, and scootch his legs over to make room for me. And we talk.
And it's every bit as important and necessary as the time I spend putting his baby sister to sleep.
Wednesday, 4 September 2013
Because she needs me
She turned one whole year old during our month away, and I need to write it down, all the little things that make her the child I am so crazy in love with. Right now, though, she's holding tight to my leg, thumb in her mouth, and it's something different that I want to write down today.
My content child, my happy child, my joyful laid-back easy child, has become a clingy koala who despairs of life whenever I am too far away for her comfort. This is especially apparent when it comes time for her daily nap.
Gone are the easy days of whispering her naptime benediction in her ear as I lay her down and close the door behind me. I knew that could change any day, but somehow I didn't expect it to come after a full year. It has, oddly, made it more difficult for me to accept.
Whether it was the giant routine disruption that was our August, a shift in her developmental stage, or some other cause, I fought against it for the first few days. It was always so easy with her! Why won't she just go to sleep? I have things to do!
But nothing eases change quite the way acceptance does, and so I accepted. Book in hand, I settled down beside her, and now we share a quiet mid-day break. I read while she squirms around until sleep overtakes her. It's lovely, really, when I accept it instead of fight it as an intrusion or demand on my time.
I stayed with her brothers when they needed me, and now I will do the same for her. It may have taken longer for her to arrive at the stage where she feels my absence so keenly, but here she is, and here I am, for as long as she needs me.
Sleep well, my love. I'll see you when you wake.
My content child, my happy child, my joyful laid-back easy child, has become a clingy koala who despairs of life whenever I am too far away for her comfort. This is especially apparent when it comes time for her daily nap.
Gone are the easy days of whispering her naptime benediction in her ear as I lay her down and close the door behind me. I knew that could change any day, but somehow I didn't expect it to come after a full year. It has, oddly, made it more difficult for me to accept.
Whether it was the giant routine disruption that was our August, a shift in her developmental stage, or some other cause, I fought against it for the first few days. It was always so easy with her! Why won't she just go to sleep? I have things to do!
But nothing eases change quite the way acceptance does, and so I accepted. Book in hand, I settled down beside her, and now we share a quiet mid-day break. I read while she squirms around until sleep overtakes her. It's lovely, really, when I accept it instead of fight it as an intrusion or demand on my time.
I stayed with her brothers when they needed me, and now I will do the same for her. It may have taken longer for her to arrive at the stage where she feels my absence so keenly, but here she is, and here I am, for as long as she needs me.
Sleep well, my love. I'll see you when you wake.
Just writing along with the EO...
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
What Attachment Parenting is Not
Today in our Attachment Parenting Series, we will be discussing four of the most prevalent misconceptions of Attachment Parenting. If you have written a post on Attachment Parenting misconceptions, please do share it with us in the comments below!
Introduction
Many objections to Attachment Parenting come from one of four common misunderstandings of the philosophy. Before exploring each of these misconceptions, we will begin with a brief review of what Attachment Parenting is.
At its core, Attachment Parenting (AP) is the promotion of a responsive, relationship-based approach to raising children. It encourages the parent to respond sensitively to their child's needs, seeking ways to build and strengthen a mutually-trusting parent/child relationship. The specifics and application of AP principles will vary according to the unique needs of the individual family.
With that basic understanding in mind, we will move on to what Attachment Parenting is not.
Attachment Parenting is not permissive parenting
Permissive parenting is characterized by low behavioural expectations coupled with a failure to follow through with enforcing healthy boundaries for the child. This lack of healthy boundaries is most commonly due to an unwillingness or perceived inability to deal with the child's feelings and their negative expressions of those feelings. However, children thrive best within a framework of healthy boundaries. Without these limits, the child will act out in search of them, seeking their safety and predictability.
Another form of permissive parenting disguises itself as punitive parenting. Rather than calmly and consistently enforcing age-appropriate boundaries, this style of permissive parent allows the child to repeatedly overstep boundaries until the parent explodes with frustration and overreacts, coming down strong to get the child's behaviour back in line. This inconsistency is confusing for the child.
Attachment Parenting, conversely, seeks to gently and consistently enforce developmentally-appropriate expectations for the child. While the primary focus of AP is a strong parent/child bond, this bond is not achieved through indulgence or a lack of healthy boundaries and expectations. AP decries punitive methods of discipline, embracing instead a form of positive discipline that relies on teaching and problem solving rather than punishing. It does not, however, reject discipline altogether.
Likewise, AP does not seek to prevent the child from ever feeling strong negative emotions or from expressing those emotions. It does, however, provide the child with both a nurturing response to those feelings along with the tools required to cope with and express those feelings in a healthy and socially acceptable manner.
Attachment Parenting is not helicopter parenting
Also known as "smothering" or "overparenting", helicopter parenting demonstrates an unwillingness or inability to step back and allow the child to develop independence and self-reliance and, along with that, to experience challenges and failure. Although the motivation of helicopter parenting is often love, concern, and good intentions, it typically arises from a place of fear within the parent.
Attachment Parenting, conversely, affirms healthy, age-appropriate independence. It is precisely the trust and security of the strong parent/child relationship that provides the child with the confidence to grow into an emotionally healthy individual. Early attachment fosters healthy independence.
Because AP develops a strong cue/response cycle from infancy, parents are deeply attuned to their child, including the child's strengths and weaknesses. With that knowledge, the parent can encourage the former and work to build the latter. The child, meanwhile, has been assured since birth that his needs and requests will be appropriately responded to, thereby giving him the security and confidence he needs to explore the world in an increasingly greater depth and breadth. By providing the child with a safe home base from which they can explore the world, AP is more compatible with a (common-sense, child-appropriate) free-range style of parenting than it is with helicopter parenting.
Attachment Parenting is not child-centered
Child-centered parenting is a combination of permissive and helicopter parenting. As with permissive parenting, the child's desires are catered to in order to prevent any negative feelings or expressions of those feelings. As with helicopter parenting, the child is routinely rescued from all potential challenges, failures, or consequences. The child is the center and focus of the home.
Child-centered parenting can be a common downfall for the AP parent who, having acknowledged that a baby's needs and wants are very much the same thing and being accustomed to meeting their baby's needs in a sensitive and responsive manner, carries the same attitude over into the toddler and older years. Even though the child's wants and needs are no longer one and the same, the parent continues to act as though they are.
Attachment Parenting, however, is not child-centered, but rather family-centered. AP affirms the child as worthy of respect as a person in their own right, but likewise the parents' needs are acknowledged and respected as well. The parent is neither martyr nor tyrant in this scenario. A family-centered approach develops in the child an awareness of the needs of others, as well as respect for others' property and boundaries. AP also affirms a functioning support network of family and friends, with children benefiting from developing healthy relationships with other individuals of all ages.
One of the primary principles of AP is balance, without which the practice is unsustainable. This balance should be present with the child (attentiveness without indulgence), with the partner (meeting the needs of the relationship without neglecting the needs of the child), and within the parent (meeting the needs of the individual). Failing to validate and meet, as far as possible, the needs of all members of the family will quickly lead to resentment, exhaustion, and burnout.
Attachment Parenting is not (necessarily) Natural Parenting
Natural Parenting (NP) is a philosophy which seeks a natural and holistic approach to health, diet, education, ecological footprint, and general lifestyle as it relates to family life. Most definitions of NP also include AP, while other definitions focus solely on the health and ecological aspects with no effect on the parent's level of responsiveness or attachment to the child. In such cases when NP is defined as including AP, the values of AP would line up with NP, but not all aspects of NP would be related to AP. In that sense, NP would be a wider umbrella definition, with AP falling under it.
Although the two philosophies often overlap, the core focuses and goals of NP and AP are different. NP may promote breastfeeding, for example, because it is the biologically normative way of feeding an infant and has the lowest ecological impact. AP, on the other hand, would encourage breastfeeding as one of many tools that strengthen the mother/child bond and develop the healthy cue/response cycle that leads to greater communication and connection between the pair.
Despite this overlap, NP is not a requirement of AP. While NP may encourage a parent to use cloth diapers for ecological, financial, and health reasons, AP would have nothing to say on the topic, as the type of diaper used on a child has no bearing on the attachment relationship. Likewise with other such NP-related topics as organic food, natural materials, vaccinations, and philosophy of healthcare.
While there is value in NP ideologies, the distinction remains important for those parents who may be drawn to AP, but eschew it instead because they have no desire to live what is colloquially referred to as a "crunchy" lifestyle. Such parents should be assured that it is entirely possible to embrace an AP philosophy without also taking on a natural/"crunchy" way of living.
Summary
The heart of AP is rooted in a strong parent/child relationship. From the mutual trust and respect that arise from this relationship, the parent comes along side the child to teach and guide them to maturity. AP encourages both parental guidance on the one hand and child-appropriate freedom on the other.
There are parents who affirm an AP method of child-rearing and yet also parent in a permissive, smothering, or child-centered manner. However, AP itself affirms none of these practices. Permissive parenting lacks the enforcement of age-appropriate boundaries, smothering lacks the natural development of healthy independence, and child-centered parenting neglects to balance the needs of others with the needs of the child.
AP is incompatible with the above parenting practices. It is, not, however, incompatible with Natural Parenting. The misconception arises when AP is mistakenly understood to require a natural lifestyle. While most natural parents embrace AP, and many attachment parents embrace NP, neither one requires nor depends on the other. It is entirely possible to parent in an AP manner without embracing the "crunchy" NP lifestyle as well.
Recommended Reading:
The Attachment Parenting Book by William and Martha Sears
Where's My Center?: A closer look at child-centered parenting and the continuum concept by Scott Noelle
Introduction
Many objections to Attachment Parenting come from one of four common misunderstandings of the philosophy. Before exploring each of these misconceptions, we will begin with a brief review of what Attachment Parenting is.
At its core, Attachment Parenting (AP) is the promotion of a responsive, relationship-based approach to raising children. It encourages the parent to respond sensitively to their child's needs, seeking ways to build and strengthen a mutually-trusting parent/child relationship. The specifics and application of AP principles will vary according to the unique needs of the individual family.
With that basic understanding in mind, we will move on to what Attachment Parenting is not.
Attachment Parenting is not permissive parenting
Permissive parenting is characterized by low behavioural expectations coupled with a failure to follow through with enforcing healthy boundaries for the child. This lack of healthy boundaries is most commonly due to an unwillingness or perceived inability to deal with the child's feelings and their negative expressions of those feelings. However, children thrive best within a framework of healthy boundaries. Without these limits, the child will act out in search of them, seeking their safety and predictability.
Another form of permissive parenting disguises itself as punitive parenting. Rather than calmly and consistently enforcing age-appropriate boundaries, this style of permissive parent allows the child to repeatedly overstep boundaries until the parent explodes with frustration and overreacts, coming down strong to get the child's behaviour back in line. This inconsistency is confusing for the child.
Attachment Parenting, conversely, seeks to gently and consistently enforce developmentally-appropriate expectations for the child. While the primary focus of AP is a strong parent/child bond, this bond is not achieved through indulgence or a lack of healthy boundaries and expectations. AP decries punitive methods of discipline, embracing instead a form of positive discipline that relies on teaching and problem solving rather than punishing. It does not, however, reject discipline altogether.
Likewise, AP does not seek to prevent the child from ever feeling strong negative emotions or from expressing those emotions. It does, however, provide the child with both a nurturing response to those feelings along with the tools required to cope with and express those feelings in a healthy and socially acceptable manner.
Attachment Parenting is not helicopter parenting
Also known as "smothering" or "overparenting", helicopter parenting demonstrates an unwillingness or inability to step back and allow the child to develop independence and self-reliance and, along with that, to experience challenges and failure. Although the motivation of helicopter parenting is often love, concern, and good intentions, it typically arises from a place of fear within the parent.
Attachment Parenting, conversely, affirms healthy, age-appropriate independence. It is precisely the trust and security of the strong parent/child relationship that provides the child with the confidence to grow into an emotionally healthy individual. Early attachment fosters healthy independence.
Because AP develops a strong cue/response cycle from infancy, parents are deeply attuned to their child, including the child's strengths and weaknesses. With that knowledge, the parent can encourage the former and work to build the latter. The child, meanwhile, has been assured since birth that his needs and requests will be appropriately responded to, thereby giving him the security and confidence he needs to explore the world in an increasingly greater depth and breadth. By providing the child with a safe home base from which they can explore the world, AP is more compatible with a (common-sense, child-appropriate) free-range style of parenting than it is with helicopter parenting.
Attachment Parenting is not child-centered
Child-centered parenting is a combination of permissive and helicopter parenting. As with permissive parenting, the child's desires are catered to in order to prevent any negative feelings or expressions of those feelings. As with helicopter parenting, the child is routinely rescued from all potential challenges, failures, or consequences. The child is the center and focus of the home.
Child-centered parenting can be a common downfall for the AP parent who, having acknowledged that a baby's needs and wants are very much the same thing and being accustomed to meeting their baby's needs in a sensitive and responsive manner, carries the same attitude over into the toddler and older years. Even though the child's wants and needs are no longer one and the same, the parent continues to act as though they are.
Attachment Parenting, however, is not child-centered, but rather family-centered. AP affirms the child as worthy of respect as a person in their own right, but likewise the parents' needs are acknowledged and respected as well. The parent is neither martyr nor tyrant in this scenario. A family-centered approach develops in the child an awareness of the needs of others, as well as respect for others' property and boundaries. AP also affirms a functioning support network of family and friends, with children benefiting from developing healthy relationships with other individuals of all ages.
One of the primary principles of AP is balance, without which the practice is unsustainable. This balance should be present with the child (attentiveness without indulgence), with the partner (meeting the needs of the relationship without neglecting the needs of the child), and within the parent (meeting the needs of the individual). Failing to validate and meet, as far as possible, the needs of all members of the family will quickly lead to resentment, exhaustion, and burnout.
Attachment Parenting is not (necessarily) Natural Parenting
Natural Parenting (NP) is a philosophy which seeks a natural and holistic approach to health, diet, education, ecological footprint, and general lifestyle as it relates to family life. Most definitions of NP also include AP, while other definitions focus solely on the health and ecological aspects with no effect on the parent's level of responsiveness or attachment to the child. In such cases when NP is defined as including AP, the values of AP would line up with NP, but not all aspects of NP would be related to AP. In that sense, NP would be a wider umbrella definition, with AP falling under it.
Although the two philosophies often overlap, the core focuses and goals of NP and AP are different. NP may promote breastfeeding, for example, because it is the biologically normative way of feeding an infant and has the lowest ecological impact. AP, on the other hand, would encourage breastfeeding as one of many tools that strengthen the mother/child bond and develop the healthy cue/response cycle that leads to greater communication and connection between the pair.
Despite this overlap, NP is not a requirement of AP. While NP may encourage a parent to use cloth diapers for ecological, financial, and health reasons, AP would have nothing to say on the topic, as the type of diaper used on a child has no bearing on the attachment relationship. Likewise with other such NP-related topics as organic food, natural materials, vaccinations, and philosophy of healthcare.
While there is value in NP ideologies, the distinction remains important for those parents who may be drawn to AP, but eschew it instead because they have no desire to live what is colloquially referred to as a "crunchy" lifestyle. Such parents should be assured that it is entirely possible to embrace an AP philosophy without also taking on a natural/"crunchy" way of living.
Summary
The heart of AP is rooted in a strong parent/child relationship. From the mutual trust and respect that arise from this relationship, the parent comes along side the child to teach and guide them to maturity. AP encourages both parental guidance on the one hand and child-appropriate freedom on the other.
There are parents who affirm an AP method of child-rearing and yet also parent in a permissive, smothering, or child-centered manner. However, AP itself affirms none of these practices. Permissive parenting lacks the enforcement of age-appropriate boundaries, smothering lacks the natural development of healthy independence, and child-centered parenting neglects to balance the needs of others with the needs of the child.
AP is incompatible with the above parenting practices. It is, not, however, incompatible with Natural Parenting. The misconception arises when AP is mistakenly understood to require a natural lifestyle. While most natural parents embrace AP, and many attachment parents embrace NP, neither one requires nor depends on the other. It is entirely possible to parent in an AP manner without embracing the "crunchy" NP lifestyle as well.
Recommended Reading:
The Attachment Parenting Book by William and Martha Sears
Where's My Center?: A closer look at child-centered parenting and the continuum concept by Scott Noelle
Thursday, 17 January 2013
Asking the right questions
I am the goal-oriented product of a goal-oriented society. I ask questions the focus on achievements, outcomes, accomplishments. I ask how I can get what I want, how I can improve my surroundings, how I can make things happen. Good things. Worthy things.
But on their own, they are the wrong questions.
They all focus on the end, but the end cannot be the foremost consideration. Too often I have witnessed - in the world and in myself - the goal becoming the Good Thing, and anything that aids in achieving that goal must also be a Good Thing. So very many things are justified in the name of attaining that Good Thing.
Parenting for Results
The principle applies universally, but I am a mother and I have a habit of seeing everything through that role. As a mother, I see all the ways in which we, too, focus on the wrong questions.
How can I make her listen to me?
How can I get him to do what I want?
How can I make her stop doing that?
How can I keep them safe?
How can I ensure my children Turn Out Right?
Their focus is on the end, achieving a goal, making something happen, and on their own they are insufficient.
Sometimes it is our own human weaknesses that most clearly illustrate the insufficiency of these questions. We want them to obey! now! and so we yell because it is effective and we don't have the time, energy, or patience to do the harder work of teaching and guiding. We focus on our desires and lose sight of what we believe to be true. These days do not define us, but they happen and we apologize and we try again tomorrow.
Other times, however, the insufficiency of these questions is demonstrated through deliberation rather than a slip-up in a moment of weakness. Entire parenting paradigms are built around the idea of goal attainment, promising children that grow up to be productive citizens or God-fearing adults or responsible or hard-working or whatever it is that we want to hear.
Perhaps even worse, these promises are often cloaked in religion, and there is always the looming threat that failure means the loss of our children's very souls. With that end, what means could possibly be worse? It is upon that question that many of those who call themselves Christian parenting experts build their kingdoms. Follow these biblical instructions and you too can be guaranteed to raise a godly child. We are assured we can raise them to righteous through these instructions, usually centered on a "biblical model" of corporal punishment, yet ultimately amounting to nothing more than moralistic behaviour modification.
There are no promises in parenting. If we could parent our children into God's good graces, they would have no need of Christ in their lives. We cannot presume to be able to do the work of the Holy Spirit; our children are as human as we are and will need God's beautiful redemptive grace as much as we ourselves do. Nothing is gained by making obedience the goal of our parenting.
If we parent with the belief that things will add up as we expect, we will be disappointed. There is no guarantee that good parenting will produce the desired results, religious or not. We must parent not for their obedience, but rather out of our own obedience.
And therein lies the question.
Asking the Right Questions
Whatever our goals, whatever our desires, however noble our purposes, there is one question that must accompany them all: Are my actions the right actions?
Not the goal. My actions. Are they good? Not will it work, but is it right?
In so many other words,
Is this the right choice in this moment?
Does this decision line up with my values?
Am I faithfully doing what I should be doing?
Am I, right now, bringing glory to my Creator?
Many things will achieve my goals, but far fewer things are Good and Right.
Goals are good. They give us direction for the journey. But when the question of how to achieve them becomes the ultimate question, we too easily lose perspective. Those questions must always be balanced by that one question, is this right?
My ultimate desire is to bring glory to God, as a person, as a parent, in whatever role I find myself at any particular time. Is this action going to please and glorify my Creator? Maybe your question will be different, not God but peace or love or freedom or kindness or non-violence or whatever your ultimate value is. But underneath it all, however we word it, whatever the ultimate motive is, the question must always focus on our own actions.
I cannot control others. I cannot guarantee outcomes. But I can always control myself, can consider my own actions, my own reactions, my choices along the way.
Likewise, I cannot control my children. I cannot guarantee that they will Turn Out Right. But I can control my actions and reactions, letting those be lessons that teach them about life.
This is the principle that ultimately guides my parenting. It is why we respond to our children's cries, speak to them with kindness, respect their individual needs, extend them grace, seek solutions rather than punishments, and apologize when we mess up. It is why we ultimately seek to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit to them rather than demand it from them. We ask not will it work, but is it right?
Beyond Parenthood
The same principle applies throughout our lives: our marriages, our relationships, our workplaces, our churches, everything. Regardless of roles or desired outcomes or anything else, the question of how to accomplish our goals must always be coupled with the question of is this action, right now, the right action in these circumstances?
The question is not how can I make my spouse do what I want, but how can I act and react in a way that lines up with my values? Not how can we grow our church, but how can we live faithful lives today? Not how can we get promoted, but how can we love and serve where we are? Not how can we make things easier, but how can we behave honourably in these circumstances?
With that question foremost in our minds, the rest often falls into place behind it. But even if it does not - there are no guarantees - at least we have lived well and without regret, having considered the rightness of our actions ahead of the achievement of our goals.
But on their own, they are the wrong questions.
They all focus on the end, but the end cannot be the foremost consideration. Too often I have witnessed - in the world and in myself - the goal becoming the Good Thing, and anything that aids in achieving that goal must also be a Good Thing. So very many things are justified in the name of attaining that Good Thing.
Parenting for Results
The principle applies universally, but I am a mother and I have a habit of seeing everything through that role. As a mother, I see all the ways in which we, too, focus on the wrong questions.
How can I make her listen to me?
How can I get him to do what I want?
How can I make her stop doing that?
How can I keep them safe?
How can I ensure my children Turn Out Right?
Their focus is on the end, achieving a goal, making something happen, and on their own they are insufficient.
Sometimes it is our own human weaknesses that most clearly illustrate the insufficiency of these questions. We want them to obey! now! and so we yell because it is effective and we don't have the time, energy, or patience to do the harder work of teaching and guiding. We focus on our desires and lose sight of what we believe to be true. These days do not define us, but they happen and we apologize and we try again tomorrow.
Other times, however, the insufficiency of these questions is demonstrated through deliberation rather than a slip-up in a moment of weakness. Entire parenting paradigms are built around the idea of goal attainment, promising children that grow up to be productive citizens or God-fearing adults or responsible or hard-working or whatever it is that we want to hear.
Perhaps even worse, these promises are often cloaked in religion, and there is always the looming threat that failure means the loss of our children's very souls. With that end, what means could possibly be worse? It is upon that question that many of those who call themselves Christian parenting experts build their kingdoms. Follow these biblical instructions and you too can be guaranteed to raise a godly child. We are assured we can raise them to righteous through these instructions, usually centered on a "biblical model" of corporal punishment, yet ultimately amounting to nothing more than moralistic behaviour modification.
There are no promises in parenting. If we could parent our children into God's good graces, they would have no need of Christ in their lives. We cannot presume to be able to do the work of the Holy Spirit; our children are as human as we are and will need God's beautiful redemptive grace as much as we ourselves do. Nothing is gained by making obedience the goal of our parenting.
If we parent with the belief that things will add up as we expect, we will be disappointed. There is no guarantee that good parenting will produce the desired results, religious or not. We must parent not for their obedience, but rather out of our own obedience.
And therein lies the question.
Asking the Right Questions
Whatever our goals, whatever our desires, however noble our purposes, there is one question that must accompany them all: Are my actions the right actions?
Not the goal. My actions. Are they good? Not will it work, but is it right?
In so many other words,
Is this the right choice in this moment?
Does this decision line up with my values?
Am I faithfully doing what I should be doing?
Am I, right now, bringing glory to my Creator?
Many things will achieve my goals, but far fewer things are Good and Right.
Goals are good. They give us direction for the journey. But when the question of how to achieve them becomes the ultimate question, we too easily lose perspective. Those questions must always be balanced by that one question, is this right?
My ultimate desire is to bring glory to God, as a person, as a parent, in whatever role I find myself at any particular time. Is this action going to please and glorify my Creator? Maybe your question will be different, not God but peace or love or freedom or kindness or non-violence or whatever your ultimate value is. But underneath it all, however we word it, whatever the ultimate motive is, the question must always focus on our own actions.
I cannot control others. I cannot guarantee outcomes. But I can always control myself, can consider my own actions, my own reactions, my choices along the way.
Likewise, I cannot control my children. I cannot guarantee that they will Turn Out Right. But I can control my actions and reactions, letting those be lessons that teach them about life.
This is the principle that ultimately guides my parenting. It is why we respond to our children's cries, speak to them with kindness, respect their individual needs, extend them grace, seek solutions rather than punishments, and apologize when we mess up. It is why we ultimately seek to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit to them rather than demand it from them. We ask not will it work, but is it right?
Beyond Parenthood
The same principle applies throughout our lives: our marriages, our relationships, our workplaces, our churches, everything. Regardless of roles or desired outcomes or anything else, the question of how to accomplish our goals must always be coupled with the question of is this action, right now, the right action in these circumstances?
The question is not how can I make my spouse do what I want, but how can I act and react in a way that lines up with my values? Not how can we grow our church, but how can we live faithful lives today? Not how can we get promoted, but how can we love and serve where we are? Not how can we make things easier, but how can we behave honourably in these circumstances?
With that question foremost in our minds, the rest often falls into place behind it. But even if it does not - there are no guarantees - at least we have lived well and without regret, having considered the rightness of our actions ahead of the achievement of our goals.
Monday, 6 August 2012
Attachment Parenting Through the Challenging Times
You can find me over at Practicing Mammal today, guest posting on the topic of living out the ideals of attachment parenting in the thick of it all.
Read the rest over at Practicing Mammal!
Practicing Mammal is mother to seven children, ages 5 through 25, and wife to her "favourite husband". She is passionate about community, gentle parenting, and Christ-centered marriage. Her experience makes her an invaluable mentor to the young mothers around her as she ministers to them regarding attachment parenting and the Christian perspective. Be sure to check out some of her other excellent posts while you're there, particularly her ten-part series on Attachment Parenting (links in the sidebar on her blog).
During these early years, when dealing with the unique challenges of young children, pregnancy, or both, maintaining those attachment ideals can be difficult. Other demanding or stressful situations, too, can distract from our attachment focus. How do we resist these challenges and distractions and continue to parent in an attachment-oriented way?
First, we stop resisting.
Read the rest over at Practicing Mammal!
Practicing Mammal is mother to seven children, ages 5 through 25, and wife to her "favourite husband". She is passionate about community, gentle parenting, and Christ-centered marriage. Her experience makes her an invaluable mentor to the young mothers around her as she ministers to them regarding attachment parenting and the Christian perspective. Be sure to check out some of her other excellent posts while you're there, particularly her ten-part series on Attachment Parenting (links in the sidebar on her blog).
Monday, 21 May 2012
Memories of Weaning: Unique and Gentle
Welcome to the Carnival of Weaning: Weaning - Your Stories
This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Code Name: Mama and Aha! Parenting. Our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles about the end of the breastfeeding relationship.
_____________________
Twice now, it's happened: my babies have weaned.
While my approach has been similar with each of them - partial weaning initiated by me, ultimate weaning left up to them - their two stories are entirely unique, just as the boys themselves are. It's a wonderful thing to watch them grown in their own unique ways, but it's a strange feeling, too, to witness them leaving behind a stage in their lives.
These are their stories of weaning.
Weaning My Oldest: Sweet and Sentimental
At one year, my first son's diet was mainly breastmilk. We had introduced solids at six months, but those first several months of solid food were more for play and experimentation than anything else. Believing in a baby-led-solids approach, he was offered food that he could self-feed. Just as feeding on cue had, this allowed him to follow his natural appetite in choosing when and how much to eat. It wasn't until he was about 15 months old that he began to eat significant amounts of solid food.
When he was 18 months old and no longer relying on breastmilk as his main source of nutrition, I began to cut back on the number of his nursing sessions. Still infertile at this point, I was beginning to resent breastfeeding and knew that it was time to make that change before our nursing relationship was adversely affected. I gradually cut back on our daytime nursing sessions until he was nursing only three times a day - morning, before his afternoon nap, and at bedtime. It was a slow and gentle process with little upset, but it was a difficult decision to make nonetheless. Even in hindsight, I am not convinced that it was the right choice to make, but neither am I convinced it was the wrong one. It simply is what it is.
I was positively thrilled when, 21 months after my first son was born, my period finally returned. I began to truly enjoy nursing my toddler in a way that, until then, had been clouded by frustration over its corresponding lack of fertility. I had love the warm snuggliness of nursing a newborn, the sweet silliness of nursing a happy baby, and the precious bonding of nursing a yearling, but this business of nursing a toddler was something entirely different. There were the breastfed dinosaurs and cars. The sly requests for milk when he knew the answer would be no, and the laughing attempts to latch on anyway. The sleepy cuddles while nursing in the morning. The relief of being able to nurse a sick child who would eat and drink nothing else.
When we found that we were joyfully expecting our second child, I was grateful for each week that my milk supply remained unaffected. I temporarily returned to work full time, and while I was sad to leave my son, it was a good four months of bonding between him and his dad. Because I left before he woke up, he no longer nursed in the morning. For a while he would nurse when I came home for lunch, but it wasn't long before he stopped asking and we simply ate lunch together. As my sensitivity to nursing grew along with my stomach, I nightweaned him, which he accepted with relative ease. In this way, he went from three nursing sessions a day plus nightwakings, to only one nursing session at bedtime. He was a little over two years old at this point.
Then my milk supply disappeared, and the pain while nursing increased. I began to shorten the length of time for which I would nurse him at bedtime, replacing that nighttime routine with other methods of comfort. By the time he was two and a half, he nursed for only a minute or less at bedtime. Then it was mere seconds. Then it was less than a second - not even a real latch on. I joked to my husband that he was just "kissing them goodnight" by that point. One night, instead of wanting milk, he asked to lay on them, leaning against my bare chest for a short while before climbing in bed. Then...nothing.
Not that he ignored them. Not at all! He just seemed to transfer their possession to his yet-to-be-born little brother. He had been aware for a long time that he would have to share mommy's milk with the new baby. Now that he was done nursing, he was content to hand them over entirely. Any mention of them was done in conjunction with the baby. He no longer asked to nurse, but he would occasionally state that when the milk came back after the baby was born, he could have mommy's milk again.
He never did. While he often watched the baby nurse and commented on the baby having mommy's milk, he never once asked to have any himself. It was with both relief and disappointment that I could say it officially - my little boy was weaned.
He was growing up.
Our nursing relationship had been a precious time. Its comfort has now been replaced with other comforts, its bonding has been replaced with other activities, and its nutrition is no longer relied upon. While I still question the limits imposed at 18 months, and wonder how long he would have nursed if not for the pregnancy, it was done, for the most part, on his terms and in his timing.
Weaning My Youngest: Easy and Unexpected
Our second son was born soon after our first had weaned. He, too, had a smooth start to breastfeeding, and I enjoyed the lack of pain this second time around.
With my younger son, I found I had a less romantic and more practical view of breastfeeding. He needed to be fed and I had just the tools for the job. He seemed to feel likewise; unlike my oldest, who would nurse for long sessions at a time, this one was a very "get down to business" sort of baby. And comfort nursing? Don't even think about it. Yet on difficult days, when my nursling and I found ourselves feeding off each other's grumpiness, nursing allowed us to take a break and quietly snuggle and reconnect, walking away a few minutes later in much better spirits.
After passing the one year mark, we became fully entrenched in the typical early-toddler stage of increased nursing. He wanted to nurse constantly. This was an adjustment for me after his first year of nursing only for nourishment, but I soon got used to our new normal. With each passing month, my "not right now's" slowly began to increase. It was less deliberate than the nursing session reduction that I put in place when my oldest was 18 months. By 18 months with the younger one, his main nursing sessions happened at naptime and bedtime, when he would nurse most or all of the way to sleep. During the remainder of the day, I would generally accommodate his requests for milk, but sometimes I would offer a drink, snack, or activity in its place.
For the next few months, the same pattern remained in place. He passed the intense early-toddler stage and then, to my surprise, began to drop nursing sessions all on his own. He nightweaned himself. He stopped nursing at naptime and bedtime himself. He asked less frequently during the day. It was so different than my experience with my first son; I didn't quite know what to make of it.
22 months after his birth, my period returned at last, and soon we were expecting our third child. Nursing became only slightly more painful, a welcome change from my first experience of nursing while pregnant. And still he continued to nurse less with no prompting from me.
By the time he turned two, he was barely nursing at all. Sometimes he would go days without and I would wonder if he had weaned, only to have him ask to nurse again later that day. After a two-week long stretch, I was sure he was done; again he proved me wrong by sleepily snuggling against me to nurse early one morning. I remember kissing his head and inhaling his sweet smell. I remember the feeling of his little body tucked against me, and I remember how heartwarming it felt after its two week absence. I also remember that it was the last time he ever nursed.
He wasn't even two and a half. Although there was again a sense of both relief and disappointment, the disappointment was stronger this time. It had been so abrupt, so different than the long and slow process my older child had taken. I was plagued with self-doubt: Had I turned him down too often? Was it my fault he had weaned? Was it because of me that he had lacked the strong emotional connection to breastfeeding that my older child had had?
Now when he sees my breasts, he talks about how the baby will drink Mommy's milk one day. He never asks for milk himself or suggests, as his older brother had, that he too will have milk when it returns after the baby is born. He's done, and he's okay with it.
And I'm learning to be okay with it too.
Preparing for a New Nursling
Now here I am again, preparing to begin from the start, a sweet little baby to nurse over the next months and years. More darling gazes, more tiny hands patting my side, more lovely milk breath; more spit up, more wet shirts, more laundry; more nourishment, more bonding, more comfort. I look forward to watching the evolution of another nursing relationship, with its myriad of benefits and its own beautifully unique path. I expect that this new child's eventual weaning will be much the same as that of his older brothers, with partial weaning initiated by me and ultimate weaning left up to him, a gradual and gentle process that evolves along with the individual child.
Despite the questions, self-doubt, and second guessing myself, my experiences with weaning two children have also given me a renewed confidence. When someone warns me that my babies will never wean if I nurse on demand, I can think back to my own boys' weaning stories, each one unique in how it happened but equally gentle in its approach. However it happens, whatever their stories, whatever their ages, my babies will one day wean, and we will move together into a new stage in our relationship.
_____________________
Thank you for visiting the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Dionna at Code Name: Mama and Dr. Laura at Aha! Parenting.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants (and many thanks to Joni Rae of Tales of a Kitchen Witch for designing our lovely button):
This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Code Name: Mama and Aha! Parenting. Our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles about the end of the breastfeeding relationship.
_____________________
Twice now, it's happened: my babies have weaned.
While my approach has been similar with each of them - partial weaning initiated by me, ultimate weaning left up to them - their two stories are entirely unique, just as the boys themselves are. It's a wonderful thing to watch them grown in their own unique ways, but it's a strange feeling, too, to witness them leaving behind a stage in their lives.
These are their stories of weaning.
Weaning My Oldest: Sweet and Sentimental
At one year, my first son's diet was mainly breastmilk. We had introduced solids at six months, but those first several months of solid food were more for play and experimentation than anything else. Believing in a baby-led-solids approach, he was offered food that he could self-feed. Just as feeding on cue had, this allowed him to follow his natural appetite in choosing when and how much to eat. It wasn't until he was about 15 months old that he began to eat significant amounts of solid food.
When he was 18 months old and no longer relying on breastmilk as his main source of nutrition, I began to cut back on the number of his nursing sessions. Still infertile at this point, I was beginning to resent breastfeeding and knew that it was time to make that change before our nursing relationship was adversely affected. I gradually cut back on our daytime nursing sessions until he was nursing only three times a day - morning, before his afternoon nap, and at bedtime. It was a slow and gentle process with little upset, but it was a difficult decision to make nonetheless. Even in hindsight, I am not convinced that it was the right choice to make, but neither am I convinced it was the wrong one. It simply is what it is.
I was positively thrilled when, 21 months after my first son was born, my period finally returned. I began to truly enjoy nursing my toddler in a way that, until then, had been clouded by frustration over its corresponding lack of fertility. I had love the warm snuggliness of nursing a newborn, the sweet silliness of nursing a happy baby, and the precious bonding of nursing a yearling, but this business of nursing a toddler was something entirely different. There were the breastfed dinosaurs and cars. The sly requests for milk when he knew the answer would be no, and the laughing attempts to latch on anyway. The sleepy cuddles while nursing in the morning. The relief of being able to nurse a sick child who would eat and drink nothing else.
When we found that we were joyfully expecting our second child, I was grateful for each week that my milk supply remained unaffected. I temporarily returned to work full time, and while I was sad to leave my son, it was a good four months of bonding between him and his dad. Because I left before he woke up, he no longer nursed in the morning. For a while he would nurse when I came home for lunch, but it wasn't long before he stopped asking and we simply ate lunch together. As my sensitivity to nursing grew along with my stomach, I nightweaned him, which he accepted with relative ease. In this way, he went from three nursing sessions a day plus nightwakings, to only one nursing session at bedtime. He was a little over two years old at this point.
Then my milk supply disappeared, and the pain while nursing increased. I began to shorten the length of time for which I would nurse him at bedtime, replacing that nighttime routine with other methods of comfort. By the time he was two and a half, he nursed for only a minute or less at bedtime. Then it was mere seconds. Then it was less than a second - not even a real latch on. I joked to my husband that he was just "kissing them goodnight" by that point. One night, instead of wanting milk, he asked to lay on them, leaning against my bare chest for a short while before climbing in bed. Then...nothing.
Not that he ignored them. Not at all! He just seemed to transfer their possession to his yet-to-be-born little brother. He had been aware for a long time that he would have to share mommy's milk with the new baby. Now that he was done nursing, he was content to hand them over entirely. Any mention of them was done in conjunction with the baby. He no longer asked to nurse, but he would occasionally state that when the milk came back after the baby was born, he could have mommy's milk again.
He never did. While he often watched the baby nurse and commented on the baby having mommy's milk, he never once asked to have any himself. It was with both relief and disappointment that I could say it officially - my little boy was weaned.
He was growing up.
Our nursing relationship had been a precious time. Its comfort has now been replaced with other comforts, its bonding has been replaced with other activities, and its nutrition is no longer relied upon. While I still question the limits imposed at 18 months, and wonder how long he would have nursed if not for the pregnancy, it was done, for the most part, on his terms and in his timing.
Weaning My Youngest: Easy and Unexpected
Our second son was born soon after our first had weaned. He, too, had a smooth start to breastfeeding, and I enjoyed the lack of pain this second time around.
With my younger son, I found I had a less romantic and more practical view of breastfeeding. He needed to be fed and I had just the tools for the job. He seemed to feel likewise; unlike my oldest, who would nurse for long sessions at a time, this one was a very "get down to business" sort of baby. And comfort nursing? Don't even think about it. Yet on difficult days, when my nursling and I found ourselves feeding off each other's grumpiness, nursing allowed us to take a break and quietly snuggle and reconnect, walking away a few minutes later in much better spirits.
After passing the one year mark, we became fully entrenched in the typical early-toddler stage of increased nursing. He wanted to nurse constantly. This was an adjustment for me after his first year of nursing only for nourishment, but I soon got used to our new normal. With each passing month, my "not right now's" slowly began to increase. It was less deliberate than the nursing session reduction that I put in place when my oldest was 18 months. By 18 months with the younger one, his main nursing sessions happened at naptime and bedtime, when he would nurse most or all of the way to sleep. During the remainder of the day, I would generally accommodate his requests for milk, but sometimes I would offer a drink, snack, or activity in its place.
For the next few months, the same pattern remained in place. He passed the intense early-toddler stage and then, to my surprise, began to drop nursing sessions all on his own. He nightweaned himself. He stopped nursing at naptime and bedtime himself. He asked less frequently during the day. It was so different than my experience with my first son; I didn't quite know what to make of it.
22 months after his birth, my period returned at last, and soon we were expecting our third child. Nursing became only slightly more painful, a welcome change from my first experience of nursing while pregnant. And still he continued to nurse less with no prompting from me.
By the time he turned two, he was barely nursing at all. Sometimes he would go days without and I would wonder if he had weaned, only to have him ask to nurse again later that day. After a two-week long stretch, I was sure he was done; again he proved me wrong by sleepily snuggling against me to nurse early one morning. I remember kissing his head and inhaling his sweet smell. I remember the feeling of his little body tucked against me, and I remember how heartwarming it felt after its two week absence. I also remember that it was the last time he ever nursed.
He wasn't even two and a half. Although there was again a sense of both relief and disappointment, the disappointment was stronger this time. It had been so abrupt, so different than the long and slow process my older child had taken. I was plagued with self-doubt: Had I turned him down too often? Was it my fault he had weaned? Was it because of me that he had lacked the strong emotional connection to breastfeeding that my older child had had?
Now when he sees my breasts, he talks about how the baby will drink Mommy's milk one day. He never asks for milk himself or suggests, as his older brother had, that he too will have milk when it returns after the baby is born. He's done, and he's okay with it.
And I'm learning to be okay with it too.
Preparing for a New Nursling
Now here I am again, preparing to begin from the start, a sweet little baby to nurse over the next months and years. More darling gazes, more tiny hands patting my side, more lovely milk breath; more spit up, more wet shirts, more laundry; more nourishment, more bonding, more comfort. I look forward to watching the evolution of another nursing relationship, with its myriad of benefits and its own beautifully unique path. I expect that this new child's eventual weaning will be much the same as that of his older brothers, with partial weaning initiated by me and ultimate weaning left up to him, a gradual and gentle process that evolves along with the individual child.
Despite the questions, self-doubt, and second guessing myself, my experiences with weaning two children have also given me a renewed confidence. When someone warns me that my babies will never wean if I nurse on demand, I can think back to my own boys' weaning stories, each one unique in how it happened but equally gentle in its approach. However it happens, whatever their stories, whatever their ages, my babies will one day wean, and we will move together into a new stage in our relationship.
_____________________
Thank you for visiting the Carnival of Weaning hosted by Dionna at Code Name: Mama and Dr. Laura at Aha! Parenting.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants (and many thanks to Joni Rae of Tales of a Kitchen Witch for designing our lovely button):
- On Breastfeeding, Weaning, and One Mother’s Identity — Jessica at Natural Parents Network has been nursing one or more of her children since 1993 - breastfeeding is wrapped up in her concept of mothering and herself. She shares her thoughts on weaning.
- two tales of weaning — Aspen at Aspen Mama writes about their countdown to wean.
- Wean Me Gently — Tam at Please Send Parenting Books shares a beautiful weaning ceremony.
- You say potato, I say bleeeuuuuch... — Anelie at Mindcradle had read the books and knew just how to introduce her baby son to solids—unfortunately, he had other ideas.
- A Post Called Weaning — (Not) Maud at Awfully Chipper writes about how weaning her son took longer than she expected.
- On Weaning, Pregnancy and Emotion — Shannon at The Artful Mama talks about her mixed emotions as she allows her son, Little Man, to guide her through his weaning process.
- half of her life — Staci at Springpatch Jam looks back on her nursing relationship with her first born.
- Is it just this After Forty Mom or is it harder to wean when its your last? — Amanda of After Forty Mom shares her emotional journey towards the impending self-weaning of her toddler daughter.
- Nursing Limits — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares how she has weaned her toddler down to minimal nursing and her guilt about the decision to do so.
- Weaning Video Series #1: Preparation for the Weaning Process — Why is weaning such a taboo topic? Dionna at Code Name: Mama got mamas from across the blogosphere to start talking about weaning - on video. Come check out the first video in a series of five that she'll be posting this week.
- Weaning due to anxiety — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about how she had to wean to preserve her mental health.
- When Will I Wean? A Guest Post — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama hosts a guest post from a mama who contemplates when her breastfeeding relationship will end.
- On His Own Terms — Momeeezen shares her heartbreak from when her son weaned much earlier than she anticipated.
- Our Weaning Story - Sudden, Surprised, and Embracing a New Season — Weaning doesn't always go how we imagine. That Mama Gretchen shares the story of her daughter's sudden weaning and how she has embraced this new season of motherhood.
- A Tale of Two Weanings — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares the similarities and differences of how her nursing relationships with her now six-year-old and four-year-old daughters came to a close.
- She Doesn't Remember — Alicia at Lactation Narration finds that her 6 year old no longer remembers nursing, only one year after weaning.
- It's The End of the World As We Know It — A story about the end of a tandem nursing relationship on Never Mind The Rain: A toddler moves on to a new phase in her life before mom is fully ready.
- A Natural End To Our Breastfeeding Relationship — With two self-weaning children, Jennifer at Our Muddy Boots does not know when the end will come, but that it will be natural and without regrets.
- Child-Led weaning: It's Not Extreme; It's Biological — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children explains why child-led weaning is based on biology rather than social constraints.
- 6 Years of Natural Weaning in 5 Steps — Jess at miniMum shares how and why she let her first child stop when he was good and ready.
- Is This Weaning?: A Tandem Nursing Update — Sheila at A Living Family bares all her tandem nursing hopes and fears during what feels like the beginning of the end for her toddler nursing relationship.
- Memories of Weaning: Unique and Gentle — Cynthia at The Hippie Housewife shares her weaning experiences with her two sons, each one unique in how it happened and yet equally gentle in its approach.
- Weaning Aversion' — Gentle Mama Moon shares her experience of nursing and unplanned weaning due to pregnancy-induced 'feeding aversion'.
- Three Months Post-Mup: An Evolution of Thoughts On Weaning — cd at FidgetFace describes a brief look at her planned (but accelerated) weaning, as well as one mamma's evolution on weaning (and extended nursing)
- Weaning my Tandem Nursed Toddler — After tandem nursing for a year, Melissa at Permission to Live felt like weaning her older child would be impossible, but now she shares how gentle weaning worked for her 2 1/2 year old.
- Every Journey Begins with One Step — As Hannabert begins the weaning process, Hannah at Hannah and Horn's super power is diminishing.
- Reflections on Weaning - Love Changes Form — Amy from Presence Parenting (guest posting at Dulce de Leche) shares her experience and approach of embracing weaning as a continual process in parenting, not just breastfeeding.
- Weaning Gently: Three Special Ideas for Success — MudpieMama shares three ideas that help make weaning a gentle and special journey.
- Guest Post: Carnival of Weaning — Emily shares her first weaning experience and her hopes for her second nursling in a guest post on Farmer's Daughter.
- 12 Tips for Gentle Weaning — Dr. Laura at Aha! Parenting describes the process of gentle weaning and gives specific tips to make weaning an organic, joyful ripening.
- Quiz: Should You Wean for Fertility Treatments? — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries talks about the key issues in the difficult decision to wean for infertility treatments.
- I thought about weaning... — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World shares her story of how she thought about weaning several times, yet it still happened on its own timeline.
- Celebrating Weaning — Amy at Anktangle reflects on her thoughts and feelings about weaning, and she shares a quick tutorial for one of the ways she celebrated this transition with her son: through a story book with photographs!
- Naturally Weaning Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses the gradual path to weaning she has taken with her preschool-aged twins.
- Gentle Weaning Means Knowing When to Stop — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl writes about knowing when your child is not ready to wean and taking their feelings into account in the process.
- Weaning, UnWeaning, and ReWeaning — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy discovers non-mutal weaning doesn't have to be the end. You can have a do-over.
- Prelude to weaning — Lauren at Hobo Mama talks about a tough tandem nursing period and what path she would like to encourage her older nursling to take.
- Demands of a Nursing Kind — Amy Willa at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work shares her conflicted feelings about nursing limits and explores different ways to achieve comfort, peace, and bodily integrity as a nursing mother.
- Breastfeeding: If there's one thing I know for sure... — Wendy at ABCs and Garden Peas explores the question: How do you know when it's time to wean?
- Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Two, Three? — Zoie at TouchstoneZ discusses going from 3 nurslings down to 1 and what might happen when her twins arrive.
Monday, 30 April 2012
Attachment Parenting: Dealing with criticism
Today in our Attachment Parenting Series, we will be discussing how to deal with criticism as an Attachment Parent. If you have written a post on this topic, please do share it with us in the comments below!
Introduction
Once a parent has made the choice to raise their children in an Attachment Parenting manner, they often find themselves the target of a great deal of criticism and anti-attachment advice. Family, friends, and acquaintances are often vocal in sharing their concerns with an attachment-oriented approach to parenting. This criticism can shake a parent's confidence and leave them wondering if such warnings and advice are valid.
It can be challenging to choose a different path than that of the predominant parenting culture. Fortunately, there are steps the AP parent can take to both reduce the amount of criticism received and reinforce their own convictions on the matter.
Responding to criticism
Project confidence
People are far less likely to jump in and offer advice or criticism if you look like you know exactly what you are doing. There is no need to seek approval, permission, or validation when it comes to your parenting choices. Simply carry on with what needs to be done. Hungry baby? Feed him in whatever manner you choose. Tantruming toddler? Pick her up and find a quiet private place where you can help her regain her composure. No big deal. Just do what needs to be done, and do it with unapologetic confidence. Keep in mind that proceeding calmly is reassuring for the child as well.
Recognize their motives
Most people who offer warnings, advice, and criticism truly have the target parent's best interests at heart. They sincerely believe what they are saying and authentically want to help. Being aware of these positive motives can take some of the sting out of their words and make it easier for the parent to calmly proceed.
Acknowledge and disengage
With those positive motives in mind, acknowledge the shared advice without feeling the need to engage. In other words, don't try to change the world; change the subject instead. You are not obligated to enter into a discussion simply because someone shares their advice, criticism, or warnings.
"Thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind!" followed by a change in topic often works to end an unhelpful conversation. Humor can be useful here as well: "Oh, you know how those recommendations are always changing!" You may choose to discuss the reasons behind your parenting choices with other parents who sincerely want to hear what you have to say (even if they ultimately disagree); you may also choose not to engage in a fruitless discussion with someone whose sole motivation is to convince you to change your mind. Smile, nod, and change the subject.
Similarly, "he's sleeping well!" is a perfectly acceptable answer when a more detailed answer ("he wakes up every three hours to nurse, as expected for his age") will only invite criticism. Be aware of who you are entering into such a conversation with. It is wise to share your parenting challenges only with those who you know are supportive of an attachment parenting/gentle discipline lifestyle. Just as you wouldn't discuss homeschooling challenges with someone who was vocally against homeschooling, don't discuss parenting challenges with those who are vocally critical of an attachment approach to parenting. Don't invite criticism.
This doesn't mean you have to pretend everything is perfect. A simple "we've had our challenges, but we're handling them" can be more than sufficient. This form of discretion is simply a wise boundary, not a fake projection of perfection. Use your best judgement to determine when entering into a dialogue with someone will resolve itself peacefully or only create more conflict.
Enforce boundaries
Unfortunately, there are those who will persist in the conversation despite attempts to politely disengage. For those who can't leave the topic alone, enforce strong boundaries. "I will not discuss this further." Repeat until they accept that the topic is not open to further discussion. Leave if possible/necessary.
Turn the conversation around
Shift the focus off of you and back to them. This allows them to offer their experiences in a non-confrontational manner. "Interesting! What was it like for you when your baby weaned?"
Lead by example
Actions speak louder than words. Rather than engaging in a discussion, step back and let time demonstrate the fruit of this style of parenting. In the meantime, the same gentle parenting techniques can be used on those who persist in offering criticism: listen to their words, reflect their feelings, acknowledge their underlying motives, and firmly yet gently enforce your boundaries.
Share your reasons and resources
Of course, you may always choose to enter into the discussion rather than politely disengage. When doing so, there are three techniques that can help to make the experience a positive one for both parties:
Strengthening resolve
In addition to knowing how to respond to criticism, it is helpful for the AP parent to have an AP-oriented support network in place as well as an understanding of why they have chosen this path. Both knowledge and support will help to prevent discouragement from taking root.
Build support networks
It can be discouraging to spend time with other parents who are vocally critical of an overall AP approach to child rearing. It can also be difficult to maintain a positive outlook and attachment-oriented focus after spending time with those who parent in a punitive and authoritarian manner. As such, it is helpful for the AP parent to also find supportive families that affirm an AP lifestyle.
While no two families are likely to agree on the details of every parenting matter, connecting with those overall supportive families can leave an AP parent feeling refreshed and re-energized. A supportive network can also provide the parent with additional tools and relevant brainstorming when challenges arise.
For some, that community may be found in person. Attachment Parenting playgroups or La Leche League meetings are good starting places to find these connections. For others, however, depending on the community they live in, that group may exist mainly online during some seasons of their life. While face-to-face support is generally preferable, a solid online AP support network can be an excellent source of resources and encouragement either in addition to or temporarily in place of that in-person community.
Reinforce beliefs through research
Knowledge is another source of affirmation and encouragement. When you are confident that healthy attachment will lead to healthy independence, it matters less when others warn that independence must be forced from the beginning. Scientific resources routinely reaffirm an attachment-oriented approach to child rearing. Spend time reading this research in order to bolster the underlying reasons for your parenting choices.
The more knowledge and tools a parent has, the better equipped they will be to handle challenges and criticism, the more confident they will feel in their choices, and the easier they will be able to say "this is what we do" instead of "that is what we don't do". In addition, solid science-based information is useful to have on hand when choosing to enter into a parenting discussion.
Recognize the roots of criticism
Anti-attachment warnings are often both rooted in fear and create fear. Such admonitions may include warnings against responding to a baby's cries, bed-sharing, full-term nursing, gentle discipline, and more:
Recognizing these as fear-based statements can reaffirm the AP parent's stance. Fear-based parenting is restrictive, reactive, and ultimately not rooted in reality. Because fear focuses on control and prevention, it actually restricts a healthy, age-appropriate independence as the child grows. Conversely, Attachment Parenting focuses on healthy attachment, mutually-trusting relationships, and responding to the needs of the individual child. The security and reassurance provided allows the child to grow into an emotionally security, empathetic, confident, and independent individual.
Give it time
You will see the fruit of your choices in time. As your children grow, it becomes easier to let the comments roll off, and the comments become fewer as others see the results as well. Your own experiences will begin to demonstrate the lack of truth in the earlier anti-attachment warnings and criticism. You can also look to those who have teenagers and adult children raised in an Attachment Parenting manner and see the positive outcomes there as well.
When warnings are valid
We have been focusing on criticism and anti-attachment advice that stems solely from an overarching disagreement with Attachment Parenting or gentle discipline in general. It is always wise, however, to consider when a specific warning may be valid.
While AP affirms balance and being aware of the individual child's needs, there can be times when a parent becomes so focused on the specifics that they miss the bigger picture. An overemphasis on breastfeeding, for example, can be to the detriment of the infant who authentically needs supplementation in order to prevent failure to thrive. Other parents, as their child grows, may confuse AP/GD with permissiveness. In such cases, concerned family and friends may see, for example, an infant displaying signs of failure to thrive or a preschooler seeking the safety of boundaries and offer valid warnings to the parent.
As with all else, use your best judgement to determine whether the warning has basis in reality or is simply a fear-based reaction against AP/GD in general. The following questions may be helpful in making this judgement:
You know your child best. If none of these questions are a concern, the warning is mostly likely a general warning against AP/GD rather than a valid warning about your child's health, development, or safety.
Summary
The parent who chooses an Attachment Parenting method of child-rearing is often the target of much criticism, warnings, and anti-attachment advice. While such criticism may initially shake a parent's confidence, there are steps the parent can take both to respond in a positive manner and to strengthen their own resolve on the subject.
To reduce the likelihood of receiving unwanted advice, project confidence while unapologetically doing what needs to be done. Lead by example; in the meantime, be discerning when it comes to discussing parenting challenges. When criticism or advice is offered, there is no obligation to enter into the discussion. To avoid engaging, acknowledge the advice and change the subject or shift the focus back to the other party by asking them about their experiences. Gently but firmly enforce boundaries when polite attempts to disengage are ignored. When choosing to enter into a parenting discussion, empathize, educate, and express contentment with the choices you have made.
To strengthen resolve, build a supportive network of like-minded families. While it is preferential to have this support in-person, online support networks can be an excellent supplement or temporary replacement. Support networks are sources of information, encouragement, and relevant brainstorming when challenges arise. Knowledge is another source of affirmation and encouragement for the AP parent, allowing them to better handle criticism, tackle parenting challenges, and share science-based information. Finally, recognizing the fear-based roots of criticism and how that differs from Attachment Parenting can further strengthen the parent's resolve.
While most of the warnings and criticism received will stem from a misunderstanding of and disagreement with Attachment Parenting, it is wise for the parent to be aware of times when the warnings offered may be valid. This requires both a willingness to acknowledge areas of weakness and a thorough understanding of the child in question.
Ultimately, time and experience will demonstrate the lack of truth in anti-attachment warnings. In the meantime, maintain positive responses, strengthen foundational knowledge, and continue to build strong networks of supportive families.
Recommended Reading:
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Responding to Criticism
Handling Criticism about Breastfeeding
Handling Attachment Parenting Criticism
Recommended Support Resources:
La Leche League Groups (Facebook page)
Natural Parents Network (Facebook page)
Gentle Christian Mothers Community (Facebook page)
Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond (Facebook page and Reader Advice)
Introduction
Once a parent has made the choice to raise their children in an Attachment Parenting manner, they often find themselves the target of a great deal of criticism and anti-attachment advice. Family, friends, and acquaintances are often vocal in sharing their concerns with an attachment-oriented approach to parenting. This criticism can shake a parent's confidence and leave them wondering if such warnings and advice are valid.
It can be challenging to choose a different path than that of the predominant parenting culture. Fortunately, there are steps the AP parent can take to both reduce the amount of criticism received and reinforce their own convictions on the matter.
Responding to criticism
Project confidence
People are far less likely to jump in and offer advice or criticism if you look like you know exactly what you are doing. There is no need to seek approval, permission, or validation when it comes to your parenting choices. Simply carry on with what needs to be done. Hungry baby? Feed him in whatever manner you choose. Tantruming toddler? Pick her up and find a quiet private place where you can help her regain her composure. No big deal. Just do what needs to be done, and do it with unapologetic confidence. Keep in mind that proceeding calmly is reassuring for the child as well.
Recognize their motives
Most people who offer warnings, advice, and criticism truly have the target parent's best interests at heart. They sincerely believe what they are saying and authentically want to help. Being aware of these positive motives can take some of the sting out of their words and make it easier for the parent to calmly proceed.
Acknowledge and disengage
With those positive motives in mind, acknowledge the shared advice without feeling the need to engage. In other words, don't try to change the world; change the subject instead. You are not obligated to enter into a discussion simply because someone shares their advice, criticism, or warnings.
"Thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind!" followed by a change in topic often works to end an unhelpful conversation. Humor can be useful here as well: "Oh, you know how those recommendations are always changing!" You may choose to discuss the reasons behind your parenting choices with other parents who sincerely want to hear what you have to say (even if they ultimately disagree); you may also choose not to engage in a fruitless discussion with someone whose sole motivation is to convince you to change your mind. Smile, nod, and change the subject.
Similarly, "he's sleeping well!" is a perfectly acceptable answer when a more detailed answer ("he wakes up every three hours to nurse, as expected for his age") will only invite criticism. Be aware of who you are entering into such a conversation with. It is wise to share your parenting challenges only with those who you know are supportive of an attachment parenting/gentle discipline lifestyle. Just as you wouldn't discuss homeschooling challenges with someone who was vocally against homeschooling, don't discuss parenting challenges with those who are vocally critical of an attachment approach to parenting. Don't invite criticism.
This doesn't mean you have to pretend everything is perfect. A simple "we've had our challenges, but we're handling them" can be more than sufficient. This form of discretion is simply a wise boundary, not a fake projection of perfection. Use your best judgement to determine when entering into a dialogue with someone will resolve itself peacefully or only create more conflict.
Enforce boundaries
Unfortunately, there are those who will persist in the conversation despite attempts to politely disengage. For those who can't leave the topic alone, enforce strong boundaries. "I will not discuss this further." Repeat until they accept that the topic is not open to further discussion. Leave if possible/necessary.
Turn the conversation around
Shift the focus off of you and back to them. This allows them to offer their experiences in a non-confrontational manner. "Interesting! What was it like for you when your baby weaned?"
Lead by example
Actions speak louder than words. Rather than engaging in a discussion, step back and let time demonstrate the fruit of this style of parenting. In the meantime, the same gentle parenting techniques can be used on those who persist in offering criticism: listen to their words, reflect their feelings, acknowledge their underlying motives, and firmly yet gently enforce your boundaries.
Share your reasons and resources
Of course, you may always choose to enter into the discussion rather than politely disengage. When doing so, there are three techniques that can help to make the experience a positive one for both parties:
- Empathize: "It sounds to me that your concern is _____. It means a lot to me that you care so much about your niece."
- Educate: "Current recommendations state..." or "If you are interested, I would be happy to share with you some resources that we found helpful when making our decision."
- Express enthusiasm: "I'm really excited that our nursing relationship has continued this long. It's been a wonderful bonding opportunity for both of us, and it has been an excellent tool in helping us through these turbulent toddler years!"
Strengthening resolve
In addition to knowing how to respond to criticism, it is helpful for the AP parent to have an AP-oriented support network in place as well as an understanding of why they have chosen this path. Both knowledge and support will help to prevent discouragement from taking root.
Build support networks
It can be discouraging to spend time with other parents who are vocally critical of an overall AP approach to child rearing. It can also be difficult to maintain a positive outlook and attachment-oriented focus after spending time with those who parent in a punitive and authoritarian manner. As such, it is helpful for the AP parent to also find supportive families that affirm an AP lifestyle.
While no two families are likely to agree on the details of every parenting matter, connecting with those overall supportive families can leave an AP parent feeling refreshed and re-energized. A supportive network can also provide the parent with additional tools and relevant brainstorming when challenges arise.
For some, that community may be found in person. Attachment Parenting playgroups or La Leche League meetings are good starting places to find these connections. For others, however, depending on the community they live in, that group may exist mainly online during some seasons of their life. While face-to-face support is generally preferable, a solid online AP support network can be an excellent source of resources and encouragement either in addition to or temporarily in place of that in-person community.
Reinforce beliefs through research
Knowledge is another source of affirmation and encouragement. When you are confident that healthy attachment will lead to healthy independence, it matters less when others warn that independence must be forced from the beginning. Scientific resources routinely reaffirm an attachment-oriented approach to child rearing. Spend time reading this research in order to bolster the underlying reasons for your parenting choices.
The more knowledge and tools a parent has, the better equipped they will be to handle challenges and criticism, the more confident they will feel in their choices, and the easier they will be able to say "this is what we do" instead of "that is what we don't do". In addition, solid science-based information is useful to have on hand when choosing to enter into a parenting discussion.
Recognize the roots of criticism
Anti-attachment warnings are often both rooted in fear and create fear. Such admonitions may include warnings against responding to a baby's cries, bed-sharing, full-term nursing, gentle discipline, and more:
- "Just leave him to cry. He needs to learn he's not the center of the world."
- "If you let her into your bed now, you'll never get her out."
- "He needs to learn to be independent, or he'll be living in your basement when he's thirty."
- "That 'gentle discipline' stuff will create a monster who always expects to get her way."
- "If he's old enough to ask for it, he's too old to have it. You'll turn him into a pervert if you keep nursing him."
Recognizing these as fear-based statements can reaffirm the AP parent's stance. Fear-based parenting is restrictive, reactive, and ultimately not rooted in reality. Because fear focuses on control and prevention, it actually restricts a healthy, age-appropriate independence as the child grows. Conversely, Attachment Parenting focuses on healthy attachment, mutually-trusting relationships, and responding to the needs of the individual child. The security and reassurance provided allows the child to grow into an emotionally security, empathetic, confident, and independent individual.
Give it time
You will see the fruit of your choices in time. As your children grow, it becomes easier to let the comments roll off, and the comments become fewer as others see the results as well. Your own experiences will begin to demonstrate the lack of truth in the earlier anti-attachment warnings and criticism. You can also look to those who have teenagers and adult children raised in an Attachment Parenting manner and see the positive outcomes there as well.
When warnings are valid
We have been focusing on criticism and anti-attachment advice that stems solely from an overarching disagreement with Attachment Parenting or gentle discipline in general. It is always wise, however, to consider when a specific warning may be valid.
While AP affirms balance and being aware of the individual child's needs, there can be times when a parent becomes so focused on the specifics that they miss the bigger picture. An overemphasis on breastfeeding, for example, can be to the detriment of the infant who authentically needs supplementation in order to prevent failure to thrive. Other parents, as their child grows, may confuse AP/GD with permissiveness. In such cases, concerned family and friends may see, for example, an infant displaying signs of failure to thrive or a preschooler seeking the safety of boundaries and offer valid warnings to the parent.
As with all else, use your best judgement to determine whether the warning has basis in reality or is simply a fear-based reaction against AP/GD in general. The following questions may be helpful in making this judgement:
- "Is my child healthy and thriving?"
- "Is my child generally happy?"
- "Is there a concern I have been ignoring because I don't want to or don't know how to handle it?"
- "Has my child entered a new stage where an adjustment is needed to a particular aspect of my parenting?"
You know your child best. If none of these questions are a concern, the warning is mostly likely a general warning against AP/GD rather than a valid warning about your child's health, development, or safety.
Summary
The parent who chooses an Attachment Parenting method of child-rearing is often the target of much criticism, warnings, and anti-attachment advice. While such criticism may initially shake a parent's confidence, there are steps the parent can take both to respond in a positive manner and to strengthen their own resolve on the subject.
To reduce the likelihood of receiving unwanted advice, project confidence while unapologetically doing what needs to be done. Lead by example; in the meantime, be discerning when it comes to discussing parenting challenges. When criticism or advice is offered, there is no obligation to enter into the discussion. To avoid engaging, acknowledge the advice and change the subject or shift the focus back to the other party by asking them about their experiences. Gently but firmly enforce boundaries when polite attempts to disengage are ignored. When choosing to enter into a parenting discussion, empathize, educate, and express contentment with the choices you have made.
To strengthen resolve, build a supportive network of like-minded families. While it is preferential to have this support in-person, online support networks can be an excellent supplement or temporary replacement. Support networks are sources of information, encouragement, and relevant brainstorming when challenges arise. Knowledge is another source of affirmation and encouragement for the AP parent, allowing them to better handle criticism, tackle parenting challenges, and share science-based information. Finally, recognizing the fear-based roots of criticism and how that differs from Attachment Parenting can further strengthen the parent's resolve.
While most of the warnings and criticism received will stem from a misunderstanding of and disagreement with Attachment Parenting, it is wise for the parent to be aware of times when the warnings offered may be valid. This requires both a willingness to acknowledge areas of weakness and a thorough understanding of the child in question.
Ultimately, time and experience will demonstrate the lack of truth in anti-attachment warnings. In the meantime, maintain positive responses, strengthen foundational knowledge, and continue to build strong networks of supportive families.
Recommended Reading:
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Responding to Criticism
Handling Criticism about Breastfeeding
Handling Attachment Parenting Criticism
Recommended Support Resources:
La Leche League Groups (Facebook page)
Natural Parents Network (Facebook page)
Gentle Christian Mothers Community (Facebook page)
Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond (Facebook page and Reader Advice)
Thursday, 19 April 2012
Habit replacement
This being my year of presence and habit, the two ideas are rarely far from my thoughts. Am I being fully present in this moment? Is this a habit I want to allow to develop in my life? This steady self-evaluation shapes my days and interactions as I continue my journey towards a more intentional life.
In the bigger picture, I hold these concepts up against our family life as well, seeking that same habitual presence on this more general level. It is a constant refrain in my parenting, too. Children, being children, seem to have a beautifully inspiring ability to always be fully present in whatever they are doing. Habits, on the other hand, have a tendency to require more intentional guidance and cultivation.
These two concepts came to an interesting head recently in our household. Our oldest has, like other children, that delightful ability to be entirely consumed in whatever he is doing at the moment. It was becoming more difficult, however, to briefly gain his attention in order to speak with him (to alert him to an upcoming transition, to make a request, and so on).
Because he would frequently not respond to my statements or requests, I, assuming he hadn't heard me, would repeat myself. Annoyed, he would tell me he had heard me the first time and why was I telling him again? Equally annoyed, I would (quite shamefully) snap at him about responding to me if that was the case. We had both fallen into a bad pattern and it needed to be changed.
Recognizing a problem, I sought a solution. After sitting down to discuss both the problem and potential solutions with him, I gently began working on a new habit: respond when someone speaks to you.
The habit is as simple and straightforward as that. It is not the content of the response that concerns me, but rather the acknowledgement that something was said in the first place. He knows that he is welcome to let me know that he is in the middle of something and will do as I've asked when he is finished; he is always free to negotiate; he may even choose to make the wrong decision and learn from that in the safety of a loving family and during this time when the stakes are still low.
Sometimes my request is both urgent and important, but when possible, we work together to find a mutually-agreeable solution in that manner. It would be both disrespectful and boundary-less of me to insist that he always jump the moment I say something, just as it would be so for anyone else to expect me to instantly drop what I am doing and carry out their every request.
This habit has been a good reminder for myself, as well. Sometimes, introvert that I am, I get overwhelmed by the constant questions, requests, and "Mommy, look at this!" that come my way all day. When that happens, there are times when I simply stop responding. Of course, being kids, this doesn't stop them - they just ask again. And again. And again. Ignoring someone is no more respectful when it comes from me than it is when it comes from them. It has been good for both of us to work on this habit together.
Finding this mutually-respectful solution has restored the sense of peace and togetherness that had been temporarily disrupted in our home. If he forgets to respond, he needs only a gentle reminder. If I fail to respond, he prompts me in a similar manner.
This, I believe, is the core of gentle discipline. Walk alongside your child with kindness and respect. Recognize a problem and together seek a solution, not a punishment. Peace and maturity will follow in time.
In the bigger picture, I hold these concepts up against our family life as well, seeking that same habitual presence on this more general level. It is a constant refrain in my parenting, too. Children, being children, seem to have a beautifully inspiring ability to always be fully present in whatever they are doing. Habits, on the other hand, have a tendency to require more intentional guidance and cultivation.
These two concepts came to an interesting head recently in our household. Our oldest has, like other children, that delightful ability to be entirely consumed in whatever he is doing at the moment. It was becoming more difficult, however, to briefly gain his attention in order to speak with him (to alert him to an upcoming transition, to make a request, and so on).
Because he would frequently not respond to my statements or requests, I, assuming he hadn't heard me, would repeat myself. Annoyed, he would tell me he had heard me the first time and why was I telling him again? Equally annoyed, I would (quite shamefully) snap at him about responding to me if that was the case. We had both fallen into a bad pattern and it needed to be changed.
Recognizing a problem, I sought a solution. After sitting down to discuss both the problem and potential solutions with him, I gently began working on a new habit: respond when someone speaks to you.
The habit is as simple and straightforward as that. It is not the content of the response that concerns me, but rather the acknowledgement that something was said in the first place. He knows that he is welcome to let me know that he is in the middle of something and will do as I've asked when he is finished; he is always free to negotiate; he may even choose to make the wrong decision and learn from that in the safety of a loving family and during this time when the stakes are still low.
Sometimes my request is both urgent and important, but when possible, we work together to find a mutually-agreeable solution in that manner. It would be both disrespectful and boundary-less of me to insist that he always jump the moment I say something, just as it would be so for anyone else to expect me to instantly drop what I am doing and carry out their every request.
This habit has been a good reminder for myself, as well. Sometimes, introvert that I am, I get overwhelmed by the constant questions, requests, and "Mommy, look at this!" that come my way all day. When that happens, there are times when I simply stop responding. Of course, being kids, this doesn't stop them - they just ask again. And again. And again. Ignoring someone is no more respectful when it comes from me than it is when it comes from them. It has been good for both of us to work on this habit together.
Finding this mutually-respectful solution has restored the sense of peace and togetherness that had been temporarily disrupted in our home. If he forgets to respond, he needs only a gentle reminder. If I fail to respond, he prompts me in a similar manner.
This, I believe, is the core of gentle discipline. Walk alongside your child with kindness and respect. Recognize a problem and together seek a solution, not a punishment. Peace and maturity will follow in time.
Monday, 6 February 2012
The Value of an Apology
I wish I could say I never had cause to apologize to my children. It would be lovely if I never lost my temper or overreacted or failed to do the right thing. It would be marvelous if I never yelled or brushed off or rolled my eyes. I would be delighted if I never demanded too much of them or offered too little of myself.
But I am human and I do these things. I snap impatient. I holler shame. I refuse selfishly. And in doing so, I wound those who are both the most precious and most defenseless: my children.
I can know all the right things to do and say, focusing on relationship and connection as I gently guide my children through life...but I'm going to mess up. And when I do the wrong thing, I need to fix it. I need to make amends and restore the relationship I have damaged.
I need to apologize.
And in doing so, I find such sweetness in a child's ready forgiveness.
I remember being pregnant and tired and grumpy. I wasn't giving my best to my oldest. Gone were the days of peacefully and patiently wandering through our days together. Instead I was being snippy and loud, intolerant of his typical-two behaviour.
Suddenly I was having to humble myself, kneel down, and apologize to my child.
Part of me wanted to protest: But I'm the grown-up! He should have just listened to me the first time! What pride and foolishness it would have been to allow that to still my tongue and leave my child heartsick and ashamed.
Instead, I would gather him into my arms each time. As I did, I would tell him:
I wish I could say everything was sunny and serene again once the baby was born, but those days are long past. I am an imperfect person and an imperfect mother; is there any other kind? I continually strive for better, seeking those practices which help each of us to grow and bloom and thrive, but I make mistakes along the journey. I lose my temper, kneel, and apologize. I overlook the needful, draw near, and ask forgiveness. And by doing so, I discover relationships restored, hearts softened, self-worth reaffirmed, and connection strengthened.
There is healing in apology, both for them and for me. There is beauty in a return to peace and connection. There is joy in knowing that we are not defined by our mistakes. Aside from prayer as I seek the Spirit's leading along this journey, there is no aspect of my parenting more important than admitting my wrongdoings and seeking my child's forgiveness. None of the rest matters if I withhold that which they need most: the knowledge and assurance that they are worthy, that they don't deserve to be treated poorly, and that my mistakes are not excused simply because I'm an adult. They need my humble and sincere apologies as much as they need my unconditional love.
An apology from the one who has wronged them is sweet comfort and reassurance, and words of truth and worth and value nourish our children's souls.
____________________________
Today I am joining in Sarah's Practices of Parenting Carnival by sharing one of my own Practices of Mothering.
For a wealth of wisdom and beauty, read the rest of Sarah's Practices of Mothering series.
But I am human and I do these things. I snap impatient. I holler shame. I refuse selfishly. And in doing so, I wound those who are both the most precious and most defenseless: my children.
I can know all the right things to do and say, focusing on relationship and connection as I gently guide my children through life...but I'm going to mess up. And when I do the wrong thing, I need to fix it. I need to make amends and restore the relationship I have damaged.
I need to apologize.
And in doing so, I find such sweetness in a child's ready forgiveness.
I remember being pregnant and tired and grumpy. I wasn't giving my best to my oldest. Gone were the days of peacefully and patiently wandering through our days together. Instead I was being snippy and loud, intolerant of his typical-two behaviour.
Suddenly I was having to humble myself, kneel down, and apologize to my child.
Part of me wanted to protest: But I'm the grown-up! He should have just listened to me the first time! What pride and foolishness it would have been to allow that to still my tongue and leave my child heartsick and ashamed.
Instead, I would gather him into my arms each time. As I did, I would tell him:
"I am sorry, Love. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. It was wrong of me. God doesn't want me to treat you that way. He doesn't want anyone to treat you that way. He created you and you are His child, and He wants me to take care of you properly. Will you forgive me?"His forgiveness was always offered readily, putting to shame my own habit of holding on to hurt and anger. After granting me his forgiveness, he would hold my hand as I prayed aloud for God to forgive me as well.
I wish I could say everything was sunny and serene again once the baby was born, but those days are long past. I am an imperfect person and an imperfect mother; is there any other kind? I continually strive for better, seeking those practices which help each of us to grow and bloom and thrive, but I make mistakes along the journey. I lose my temper, kneel, and apologize. I overlook the needful, draw near, and ask forgiveness. And by doing so, I discover relationships restored, hearts softened, self-worth reaffirmed, and connection strengthened.
There is healing in apology, both for them and for me. There is beauty in a return to peace and connection. There is joy in knowing that we are not defined by our mistakes. Aside from prayer as I seek the Spirit's leading along this journey, there is no aspect of my parenting more important than admitting my wrongdoings and seeking my child's forgiveness. None of the rest matters if I withhold that which they need most: the knowledge and assurance that they are worthy, that they don't deserve to be treated poorly, and that my mistakes are not excused simply because I'm an adult. They need my humble and sincere apologies as much as they need my unconditional love.
An apology from the one who has wronged them is sweet comfort and reassurance, and words of truth and worth and value nourish our children's souls.
____________________________
Today I am joining in Sarah's Practices of Parenting Carnival by sharing one of my own Practices of Mothering.
For a wealth of wisdom and beauty, read the rest of Sarah's Practices of Mothering series.
Monday, 9 January 2012
Gentle Discipline for Babies
From The Hippie Housewife Facebook page:
Babyhood is, for many, a delightful stage, filled with the joys of watching your new child go through all their exciting firsts: first smile, first roll, first time they reach for you, first time sitting up, first crawl, and on it goes. But it can also be the stage where parents feel the most helpless when it comes to discipline. After all, a baby cannot talk, lacks the reasoning skills of older children, does not comprehend cause-and-effect, and has yet to achieve understanding in many areas. What is a parent to do?
Prevention
Prevention is the single most effective tool at this age. Keep dangerous or breakable objects out of harm's way. Provide plenty of baby-safe space for exploring. A few necessary off-limit objects are fine (ours, for example, included our Wii and one shelf of books), but a room full of not-for-baby items squelches their ability to explore, learn, and grow in a healthy and age-appropriate manner.
Prevention also includes the baby's physical and emotional well-being. A baby who is tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or lacking connection with their primary caregiver will be less equipped to cope with the situations that arise in day-to-day life.
Build relationship
This is the time to be focusing on building the parent/child relationship through the development of communication and connection, not training the baby towards obedience. At this stage, the "Seven Baby B's" outlined by Dr. Sears are an excellent launching point. These seven tools include:
Distract, redirect, and follow through
Other top tools during babyhood include distraction, redirection, and follow-through. Remain cheerful and matter-of-fact throughout. "Oh, not for baby! Here's your toy, let's play over here." Say it and then do it. Calmly and consistently follow through by picking them up, removing them from the situation, and moving them to a more acceptable activity. These tools can be applied to a number of situations, including wiggling during diaper changes (distract with a toy or song), touching off-limit items (redirect to an appropriate object), or wanting to crawl away when that's not an option (distract with a busy bag).
Specific issues
Biting
Biting while nursing is often the first "discipline" issue that arises in a child's life. For the sake of the continued nursing relationship, nursing manners and boundaries must be established at a developmentally-appropriate level, often beginning with boundaries regarding biting. The most effective way to demonstrate that biting is unacceptable while nursing is to immediately end the nursing session. For a more detailed discussion of what to do when baby bites during nursing, see Kellymom's article on "When Baby Bites".
Particularly during teething, biting is common even when the child is not nursing. The most important thing to remember is that this is a stage. Truly, this too shall pass. However, the fact that it is normal and usually temporary does not make it something that should be encouraged or accepted. Be alert in order to prevent most bites, but if a sneak-attack does get through, let the baby know how it felt with a startled exclamation: "Ouch! Biting hurts!" (Be careful, however, not to overdo it and make the reaction an object of desire! Just keep it firm and simple.) Then replace the undesirable action with a positive one: "Here, you may chew on this."
Hitting
Ideally, the parent will be alert to the forthcoming hit and will be able to catch the baby's arm mid-swing. Regardless of whether the hit lands or is stopped, however, the response remains the same. Similar to biting, this response should include a) an exclamation and b) a replacement action. Our script has remained the same: "Ouch! Hitting hurts! Touch gently." Then, while stroking the child's hand against our cheek, we repeat the word "gentle". As the baby grows, this script is soon shortened to a simple reminder of "gentle", at which point the child replaces the would-be strike with a gentle stroke of our cheek.
Practice this word during calm moments as well. "Can you show me gentle? Oh yes! That's so gentle." It then becomes a fun bonding moment in addition to a reinforcement of the simple phrasing.
Screaming
One of the most common questions from parents of babies is how to make them stop screaming. Once they've found their voice, screaming and shrieking is an exciting way for them to experiment with this exciting discovery, but it's often not so exciting for the parents!
Unfortunately, there is little that can be done to stop a child from excitedly shrieking. The best proactive measure, however, is to turn the opposite skill - whispering - into a fun game. Practice talking as quietly as you can, and then as loud as you can, and then quietly again. This develops the skill of using a quiet voice and associates it with a single word that can then be used when the screaming starts.
What to avoid
Physical discipline is inappropriate for any stage, and babyhood is no exception. Parents are often admonished to slap legs, squeeze hands, pull hair, pinch arms, swat mouths, and spank bottoms of even the smallest babies, always accompanied with dire warnings of raising spoiled, self-centered little monsters if you fail to properly put them in their place right from the beginning.
Studies, however, have repeatedly demonstrated the damaging effects of physical discipline. Slapping hands has been shown to reduce healthy exploration and risk-taking, and the resulting lower self-confidence leads to lower IQ scores. The more children are spanked, the more likely they are to become noncompliant, aggressive, and antisocial. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not endorse spanking under any circumstance. It is a form of punishment that becomes less effective with repeated use, according to the AAP; it also makes discipline more difficult as the child outgrows it.
The word "no" is often a favourite among babies, and for good reason: it is typically the word they hear most often throughout the day. Avoid overusing the word "no". If possible, phrase your response differently and offer an alternative. Consider if there is a way to say yes. Can you sit down with the child to safely explore the item of curiosity? Can the "one-finger touch" rule be implemented with an older baby/toddler? While saying no is often the easier route to take, a child's learning can be greatly enriched when a parent seeks to find a way to say "yes" to healthy exploration. (Yes to every request for a cookie or a new toy? Not so healthy. Good judgement and common sense must always be the rule.)
Summary
Babyhood is the stage to be focusing on forming and strengthening the parent/child relationship. While this relational focus should remain throughout all stages, it is of particular importance during this formative year when the relationship has not yet been established.
With that focus in place, there are some tools that can be used to gently guide a baby through the trials of his or her first year. Proactive prevention, both in terms of the baby's environment and the baby's physical and emotional well-being, will set the child up for success and allow him or her the greatest opportunity to grow and explore in a healthy and age-appropriate manner. In addition to these proactive measures, distraction, redirection, and follow-through are excellent tools for guiding babies towards acceptable modes of play and exploration. Undesirable actions can be gradually, calmly, and consistently replaced with acceptable alternatives: teething toys instead of biting, gentle touches instead of hitting, whispering when necessary instead of yelling, and so on.
Ultimately, remember that babies grow out of the baby stage. They will grow out of it. There is often little you can do other than remaining proactive and keeping your responses calm. As they grow in their understanding, more and more gentle discipline tools can be added, but for now simply keep in mind that a baby is a baby. They are not being "bad" or "defiant" or "manipulative"; they are simply responding to the world around them in the only way they yet know how. Those reactions will be increasingly replaced with more appropriate responses throughout their childhood, but this need not, and indeed cannot, all happen now.
Additional Resources:
The Hows of Discipline
Gentle Discipline for Toddlers
Attachment Parenting Series: The Seven Baby B's
Do you have any specific baby-related discipline questions? What tools have you found to be most effective during the baby years? Share your baby-related gentle discipline tips in the comments below!
"Was wondering if you could share anything about positive discipline and redirection for babies? I am always finding wonderful articles for toddlers and older children, but I'm sure I'm not the only one that wants to hear more on the subject for babies. Thank you!"____________________________
Babyhood is, for many, a delightful stage, filled with the joys of watching your new child go through all their exciting firsts: first smile, first roll, first time they reach for you, first time sitting up, first crawl, and on it goes. But it can also be the stage where parents feel the most helpless when it comes to discipline. After all, a baby cannot talk, lacks the reasoning skills of older children, does not comprehend cause-and-effect, and has yet to achieve understanding in many areas. What is a parent to do?
Prevention
Prevention is the single most effective tool at this age. Keep dangerous or breakable objects out of harm's way. Provide plenty of baby-safe space for exploring. A few necessary off-limit objects are fine (ours, for example, included our Wii and one shelf of books), but a room full of not-for-baby items squelches their ability to explore, learn, and grow in a healthy and age-appropriate manner.
Prevention also includes the baby's physical and emotional well-being. A baby who is tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or lacking connection with their primary caregiver will be less equipped to cope with the situations that arise in day-to-day life.
Build relationship
This is the time to be focusing on building the parent/child relationship through the development of communication and connection, not training the baby towards obedience. At this stage, the "Seven Baby B's" outlined by Dr. Sears are an excellent launching point. These seven tools include:
- Birth bonding
- Breastfeeding
- Babywearing
- Bedding close to baby
- Belief in the language value of your baby's cry
- Beware of baby trainers
- Balance
Distract, redirect, and follow through
Other top tools during babyhood include distraction, redirection, and follow-through. Remain cheerful and matter-of-fact throughout. "Oh, not for baby! Here's your toy, let's play over here." Say it and then do it. Calmly and consistently follow through by picking them up, removing them from the situation, and moving them to a more acceptable activity. These tools can be applied to a number of situations, including wiggling during diaper changes (distract with a toy or song), touching off-limit items (redirect to an appropriate object), or wanting to crawl away when that's not an option (distract with a busy bag).
Specific issues
Biting
Biting while nursing is often the first "discipline" issue that arises in a child's life. For the sake of the continued nursing relationship, nursing manners and boundaries must be established at a developmentally-appropriate level, often beginning with boundaries regarding biting. The most effective way to demonstrate that biting is unacceptable while nursing is to immediately end the nursing session. For a more detailed discussion of what to do when baby bites during nursing, see Kellymom's article on "When Baby Bites".
Particularly during teething, biting is common even when the child is not nursing. The most important thing to remember is that this is a stage. Truly, this too shall pass. However, the fact that it is normal and usually temporary does not make it something that should be encouraged or accepted. Be alert in order to prevent most bites, but if a sneak-attack does get through, let the baby know how it felt with a startled exclamation: "Ouch! Biting hurts!" (Be careful, however, not to overdo it and make the reaction an object of desire! Just keep it firm and simple.) Then replace the undesirable action with a positive one: "Here, you may chew on this."
Hitting
Ideally, the parent will be alert to the forthcoming hit and will be able to catch the baby's arm mid-swing. Regardless of whether the hit lands or is stopped, however, the response remains the same. Similar to biting, this response should include a) an exclamation and b) a replacement action. Our script has remained the same: "Ouch! Hitting hurts! Touch gently." Then, while stroking the child's hand against our cheek, we repeat the word "gentle". As the baby grows, this script is soon shortened to a simple reminder of "gentle", at which point the child replaces the would-be strike with a gentle stroke of our cheek.
Practice this word during calm moments as well. "Can you show me gentle? Oh yes! That's so gentle." It then becomes a fun bonding moment in addition to a reinforcement of the simple phrasing.
Screaming
One of the most common questions from parents of babies is how to make them stop screaming. Once they've found their voice, screaming and shrieking is an exciting way for them to experiment with this exciting discovery, but it's often not so exciting for the parents!
Unfortunately, there is little that can be done to stop a child from excitedly shrieking. The best proactive measure, however, is to turn the opposite skill - whispering - into a fun game. Practice talking as quietly as you can, and then as loud as you can, and then quietly again. This develops the skill of using a quiet voice and associates it with a single word that can then be used when the screaming starts.
What to avoid
Physical discipline is inappropriate for any stage, and babyhood is no exception. Parents are often admonished to slap legs, squeeze hands, pull hair, pinch arms, swat mouths, and spank bottoms of even the smallest babies, always accompanied with dire warnings of raising spoiled, self-centered little monsters if you fail to properly put them in their place right from the beginning.
Studies, however, have repeatedly demonstrated the damaging effects of physical discipline. Slapping hands has been shown to reduce healthy exploration and risk-taking, and the resulting lower self-confidence leads to lower IQ scores. The more children are spanked, the more likely they are to become noncompliant, aggressive, and antisocial. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not endorse spanking under any circumstance. It is a form of punishment that becomes less effective with repeated use, according to the AAP; it also makes discipline more difficult as the child outgrows it.
The word "no" is often a favourite among babies, and for good reason: it is typically the word they hear most often throughout the day. Avoid overusing the word "no". If possible, phrase your response differently and offer an alternative. Consider if there is a way to say yes. Can you sit down with the child to safely explore the item of curiosity? Can the "one-finger touch" rule be implemented with an older baby/toddler? While saying no is often the easier route to take, a child's learning can be greatly enriched when a parent seeks to find a way to say "yes" to healthy exploration. (Yes to every request for a cookie or a new toy? Not so healthy. Good judgement and common sense must always be the rule.)
Summary
Babyhood is the stage to be focusing on forming and strengthening the parent/child relationship. While this relational focus should remain throughout all stages, it is of particular importance during this formative year when the relationship has not yet been established.
With that focus in place, there are some tools that can be used to gently guide a baby through the trials of his or her first year. Proactive prevention, both in terms of the baby's environment and the baby's physical and emotional well-being, will set the child up for success and allow him or her the greatest opportunity to grow and explore in a healthy and age-appropriate manner. In addition to these proactive measures, distraction, redirection, and follow-through are excellent tools for guiding babies towards acceptable modes of play and exploration. Undesirable actions can be gradually, calmly, and consistently replaced with acceptable alternatives: teething toys instead of biting, gentle touches instead of hitting, whispering when necessary instead of yelling, and so on.
Ultimately, remember that babies grow out of the baby stage. They will grow out of it. There is often little you can do other than remaining proactive and keeping your responses calm. As they grow in their understanding, more and more gentle discipline tools can be added, but for now simply keep in mind that a baby is a baby. They are not being "bad" or "defiant" or "manipulative"; they are simply responding to the world around them in the only way they yet know how. Those reactions will be increasingly replaced with more appropriate responses throughout their childhood, but this need not, and indeed cannot, all happen now.
Additional Resources:
The Hows of Discipline
Gentle Discipline for Toddlers
Attachment Parenting Series: The Seven Baby B's
Do you have any specific baby-related discipline questions? What tools have you found to be most effective during the baby years? Share your baby-related gentle discipline tips in the comments below!
Monday, 21 November 2011
The Rod Verses: What are they really saying?
This is the third in a three-part series on the "rod verses" included in Proverbs. Part 3 (What are they really saying?) was preceded by Part 1 (Taking the rod verses literally) and Part 2 (Taking other Proverbs literally).
Introduction
The five rod verses included in the Book of Proverbs are often used to support the "biblical model" of corporal punishment of children. Despite the rich figurative language used throughout Proverbs, these rod verses are interpreted literally and then applied in a pseudo-literal manner. These five rod verses include the following:
The word translated "rod" comes from Hebrew word "shebet". It is used both literally and figuratively throughout Scripture.
When used literally, "shebet" refers to a shepherd's club (used to protect his sheep), a ruler's sceptre (used to represent his authority), or a tribe. When used figuratively, "shebet" refers to the authority of a person, a nation, or God.
As discussed in Part 1, a literal interpretation of the "shebet" contradicts itself. Exodus 21:12-27 is clear that a man can indeed die from being struck with a rod. Other instances of the rod being used to physically strike someone are referring only to grown adults. Boundaries are provided regarding the use of a rod on slaves. Nowhere in Scripture is there an example of a young child being struck with a rod, nor are any instructions or boundaries given to ensure its judicious use.
We will now look beyond the literal view to the deep meaning and wisdom these proverbs contain.
The Rod as Parental Authority
The Book of Proverbs is rich in figurative language. In Part 2, particular emphasis was placed on the concepts of metaphor, hyperbole, and proverbs as general principles rather than promises or guarantees. With these things in mind, it is logical that a well-known object would be used in Proverbs to bring to mind its culturally-understood symbolism.
If we replace a literal interpretation of the rod with its common figurative use of "authority", we find the rod verses speaking to the idea of parental authority over a child. Such an interpretation removes all contradictions and concerns of the literal view.
A parent's authority is one of purpose, leadership, and teaching. It comes from a place of life experience and has as its goal the idea of transferring this experience - knowledge, lessons, teachings, principles, character, morals, responsibilities, and more - over to the child as he grows. This authority is not intended to be used in an overbearing or selfish manner, but is intended for the benefit of the child.
What does that authority, practically speaking, look like? To examine this concept further, we turn again to the idea of the rod, exploring the rod as Corrective Discipline and the rod as Protective Guidance.
The Rod as Corrective Discipline
Proverbs 22:15 specifies the rod as being a "rod of correction" or, in other translations, a "rod of discipline". Here, the word correction or discipline comes from the Hebrew word "muwcar", meaning "discipline, chastening, correction". Of all 50 instances of this word, the KJV translates it as "instruction" a total of 30 times. It is never used in a manner which specifies physical chastisement.
This word "muwcar" is translated as "instruction" in Proverbs 15:5: "A fool despises his father’s instruction, but he who receives correction is prudent." The connection here is between instruction ("muwcar") and correction ("towkechan"), which means "rebuke, argument, reproof, correction". As with "muwcar", physical punishment is not inherent in this word.
Proverbs 23:13 states: "Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die." The two statements are used in a connective manner, with the idea of "beat him with a rod" being an illustration of the first part, "do not withhold correction". The word "beat" comes from the Hebrew word "nakah". This is the same word used in Jonah 4:8 to describe the sun "beating" on Jonah's head. This speaks to the idea of the sun being a constant presence, relentlessly striking down upon him. Likewise, quite apart from dealing physical blows, parental authority and discipline (correction, instruction, teaching, discipling) should be a constant presence in a child's life, even when such correction is unpleasant for the child. As we are reminded in Hebrews, no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but it bears righteous fruit.
Punishment, as understood in our culture, is the use of an undesirable action intended to make the child feel bad in order to reduce or eliminate the desire to exhibit the same behaviour again. The focus is on control over external behaviours to achieve compliance. The word "punish" comes from the Latin "peona", meaning "penalty". To repeatedly demand payment where payment has already been paid (on our behalf through Jesus Christ) is to negate the message of the Gospel.
Discipline is the continuous process of coming alongside the child to teach and guide them into maturity. The focus is on the internal, inspiring proper motives for heart-level obedience. It's goal is to impart knowledge, wisdom, self-control, an understanding of right from wrong, and an internal desire to choose the right course of action.
Proverbs 29:15 tells us that "the rod and rebuke give wisdom." While punishment (including spanking) can be used to modify behaviour (external), it does not impart wisdom (internal). A parent's corrective discipline draws from a much larger base of tools and relies on a strong foundational parent/child relationship. Physical chastisement is unnecessary as a tool to achieve the desired goals of discipline.
The Rod as Protective Guidance
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4
When we consider the picture of the rod as a shepherd's rod, we find two more ideas to add to our understanding: the use of the rod as protection and as guidance.
In his book "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23", shepherd and author Phillip Keller described the use of the shepherd's rod ("shebet") in protecting his sheep:
A shepherd also carried a second instrument, a staff. In Hebrew, this word is "mish'enah" and means support or staff. Although this word is not used in the rod verses, the idea is worth exploring in order to provide a more complete picture of a shepherd's care of his sheep. Keller described the use of the staff as well:
According to Keller, sheep will not lie down and rest unless they are free of all fear. Thus the rod and the staff are used only for the benefit of the sheep. At no time is either instrument used to strike the sheep. Likewise, our "rod" (parental authority, corrective discipline, and protective guidance) must ultimately be a comfort to our children, never a source of fear.
The Rod Verses Restated
Taking each of these ideas into account, how would the rod verses read if we included all of the rich meaning below the surface, with the figurative language spelled out in a more literal manner?
Thus we have explored the concept of metaphor and how it is used in the rod verses. The two other figurative concepts mentioned earlier - hyperbole and generalities - come into play as well. Focusing particularly on Proverbs 23:13-14, we see it stated that this idea of authoritative discipline will cause the child to "not die" and will "deliver his soul from hell". This is both hyperbole (exaggeration) and generality. We understand that a parent does not literally have the power of salvation; Scripture tells us that only the Grace of God through faith in Jesus Christ can bring about our salvation. Furthermore, proper discipline does not guarantee the salvation of a child.
As parents, however, we have a weighty responsibility and much influence over our children. We must discipline them, instruct them, teach them, guide them, pray for them, and steep them in the knowledge and love of God, all while understanding that their ultimate salvation will come from Christ alone - and indeed, can and has come to many in spite of their parents' failure to properly disciple them.
Further exploration of Proverbs 23:14 leads to another interesting insight. The word "hell" comes from the Hebrew word "she'owl" and has a number of meanings:
Here we find the idea of "hell" as the "abode of the [eternally] dead" expanded to also include the meanings "without praise of God" and "of extreme degradation in sin". A parent's authoritative discipline can not only point them towards God (who ultimately has power over their salvation), but can also assist in preventing the child from being "without praise of God" and from entering into "extreme degradation in sin".
The Rest of the Bible
While God's Word is inspired and unchanging, it has also been subject to much cultural interpretation over time. The rod verses have been burdened with man-made ideas of corporal punishment as it relates to children, and much of the wisdom in these verses has been overlooked as a result. When we examine the rod verses alongside the rest of Scripture, we find a very different message than the one usually drawn from them, one of gentleness and mercy alongside authority. Consider the following passages:
Summary
A literal interpretation of the rod verses fails to reveal the rich meaning, wisdom, and truth the proverbs contain. The literal interpretation was examined in Part 1, while the figurative language found throughout the Book of Proverbs was examined in Part 2. Part 3 has looked beyond the literal interpretation to the deeper meaning these verses hold.
The rod was, at the time the Book of Proverbs was written, a culturally-understood representation of authority. In the rod verses, this speaks to the idea of parental authority over a child. This authority is one of vision, leadership, and instruction, with the parent's life experience (knowledge, principles, right-living, and more) transferred from the parent to the child as he grows.
The rod verses also speak to the idea of corrective discipline. Examining the Hebrew words behind these concepts reveals nothing that points specifically to physical chastisement. Rather, we find the idea of a parent's authoritative discipline and correction being a constant presence in a child's life. From a foundation of relationship, this discipline seeks to impart wisdom and generate internal change rather than merely modify external behaviour.
Finally, when examining the picture of the shepherd's rod, along with his co-tool, the staff, we discover the idea of the rod as protective guidance. The shepherd's rod was used to defend and discipline his sheep, and was a symbol of his power, authority, and defense. The shepherd's staff was used to gently lift and guide his sheep, and was a symbol of comfort and compassion. Neither tool was ever used to strike the sheep. Likewise, a parent should use his authority not to instil fear, but to gently protect, guide, and comfort them.
In short, the rod is a picture of a parent's constant authoritative discipline as he gently guides his child along the right path.
For further study:
Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the spanking controversy by Samuel Martin
A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by Phillip Keller
A Study of "The Rod" Scriptures
An Answer to Proverbs 23 and 'beatest'
Christian Child Discipline: Is Spanking Biblical?
Train up a Child in Whose Way?
Introduction
The five rod verses included in the Book of Proverbs are often used to support the "biblical model" of corporal punishment of children. Despite the rich figurative language used throughout Proverbs, these rod verses are interpreted literally and then applied in a pseudo-literal manner. These five rod verses include the following:
He who spares his rod hates his son,
but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.
(Proverbs 13:24)
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
the rod of correction will drive it far from him.
(Proverbs 22:15)
Do not withhold correction from a child,
for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die.
(Proverbs 23:13)
You shall beat him with a rod,
and deliver his soul from hell.
(Proverbs 23:14)
The rod and rebuke give wisdom,
but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
(Proverbs 29:15)
The word translated "rod" comes from Hebrew word "shebet". It is used both literally and figuratively throughout Scripture.
When used literally, "shebet" refers to a shepherd's club (used to protect his sheep), a ruler's sceptre (used to represent his authority), or a tribe. When used figuratively, "shebet" refers to the authority of a person, a nation, or God.
As discussed in Part 1, a literal interpretation of the "shebet" contradicts itself. Exodus 21:12-27 is clear that a man can indeed die from being struck with a rod. Other instances of the rod being used to physically strike someone are referring only to grown adults. Boundaries are provided regarding the use of a rod on slaves. Nowhere in Scripture is there an example of a young child being struck with a rod, nor are any instructions or boundaries given to ensure its judicious use.
We will now look beyond the literal view to the deep meaning and wisdom these proverbs contain.
The Rod as Parental Authority
The Book of Proverbs is rich in figurative language. In Part 2, particular emphasis was placed on the concepts of metaphor, hyperbole, and proverbs as general principles rather than promises or guarantees. With these things in mind, it is logical that a well-known object would be used in Proverbs to bring to mind its culturally-understood symbolism.
If we replace a literal interpretation of the rod with its common figurative use of "authority", we find the rod verses speaking to the idea of parental authority over a child. Such an interpretation removes all contradictions and concerns of the literal view.
A parent's authority is one of purpose, leadership, and teaching. It comes from a place of life experience and has as its goal the idea of transferring this experience - knowledge, lessons, teachings, principles, character, morals, responsibilities, and more - over to the child as he grows. This authority is not intended to be used in an overbearing or selfish manner, but is intended for the benefit of the child.
What does that authority, practically speaking, look like? To examine this concept further, we turn again to the idea of the rod, exploring the rod as Corrective Discipline and the rod as Protective Guidance.
The Rod as Corrective Discipline
Proverbs 22:15 specifies the rod as being a "rod of correction" or, in other translations, a "rod of discipline". Here, the word correction or discipline comes from the Hebrew word "muwcar", meaning "discipline, chastening, correction". Of all 50 instances of this word, the KJV translates it as "instruction" a total of 30 times. It is never used in a manner which specifies physical chastisement.
This word "muwcar" is translated as "instruction" in Proverbs 15:5: "A fool despises his father’s instruction, but he who receives correction is prudent." The connection here is between instruction ("muwcar") and correction ("towkechan"), which means "rebuke, argument, reproof, correction". As with "muwcar", physical punishment is not inherent in this word.
Proverbs 23:13 states: "Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die." The two statements are used in a connective manner, with the idea of "beat him with a rod" being an illustration of the first part, "do not withhold correction". The word "beat" comes from the Hebrew word "nakah". This is the same word used in Jonah 4:8 to describe the sun "beating" on Jonah's head. This speaks to the idea of the sun being a constant presence, relentlessly striking down upon him. Likewise, quite apart from dealing physical blows, parental authority and discipline (correction, instruction, teaching, discipling) should be a constant presence in a child's life, even when such correction is unpleasant for the child. As we are reminded in Hebrews, no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but it bears righteous fruit.
Punishment, as understood in our culture, is the use of an undesirable action intended to make the child feel bad in order to reduce or eliminate the desire to exhibit the same behaviour again. The focus is on control over external behaviours to achieve compliance. The word "punish" comes from the Latin "peona", meaning "penalty". To repeatedly demand payment where payment has already been paid (on our behalf through Jesus Christ) is to negate the message of the Gospel.
Discipline is the continuous process of coming alongside the child to teach and guide them into maturity. The focus is on the internal, inspiring proper motives for heart-level obedience. It's goal is to impart knowledge, wisdom, self-control, an understanding of right from wrong, and an internal desire to choose the right course of action.
Proverbs 29:15 tells us that "the rod and rebuke give wisdom." While punishment (including spanking) can be used to modify behaviour (external), it does not impart wisdom (internal). A parent's corrective discipline draws from a much larger base of tools and relies on a strong foundational parent/child relationship. Physical chastisement is unnecessary as a tool to achieve the desired goals of discipline.
The Rod as Protective Guidance
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4
When we consider the picture of the rod as a shepherd's rod, we find two more ideas to add to our understanding: the use of the rod as protection and as guidance.
In his book "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23", shepherd and author Phillip Keller described the use of the shepherd's rod ("shebet") in protecting his sheep:
"...[T]he shepherd boy spends hours practicing with this club, learning how to throw it with amazing speed and accuracy. It becomes his main weapon of defense for both himself and his sheep.
...The sheep asserts that the owner's rod, his weapon of power, authority and defense, is a continuous comfort to him. For with it the manager is able to carry out effective control of his flock in every situation.
...There is a second dimension in which the rod is used by the shepherd for the welfare of his sheep - namely that of discipline. If anything, the club is used for this purpose perhaps more than any other. If the shepherd saw a sheep wandering away on its own, or approaching poisonous weeds, or getting too close to danger of one sort or another, the club would go whistling through the air to send the wayward animal scurrying back to the bunch."
A shepherd also carried a second instrument, a staff. In Hebrew, this word is "mish'enah" and means support or staff. Although this word is not used in the rod verses, the idea is worth exploring in order to provide a more complete picture of a shepherd's care of his sheep. Keller described the use of the staff as well:
"The staff is essentially a symbol of the concern, the compassion that a shepherd has for his charges. No other single word can better describes its function on behalf of the flock than that it is for their comfort.
Whereas the rod conveys the concept of authority, of power, of discipline, of defense against danger, the word 'staff' speaks of all that is longsuffering and kind.
...There are three areas of sheep management in which the staff plays a most significant role. The first of these lies in drawing sheep together into an intimate relationship. The shepherd will use his staff to gently lift a newborn lamb and bring it to its mother if they become separated.
But in precisely the same way, the staff is used by the shepherd to reach out and catch individual sheep, young or old, and draw them close to himself for intimate examination. The staff is very useful this way for the shy and timid sheep that normally tend to keep at a distance from the shepherd.
The staff is also used for guiding sheep. Again and again I have seen a shepherd use his staff to guide his sheep gently into a new path or through some gate or along dangerous, difficult routes. He does not use it actually to beat the sheep. Rather, the tip of the long slender stick is laid gently against the animal's side and the pressure applied guides the sheep in the way the owner wants it to go. Thus the sheep is reassured of its proper path."
According to Keller, sheep will not lie down and rest unless they are free of all fear. Thus the rod and the staff are used only for the benefit of the sheep. At no time is either instrument used to strike the sheep. Likewise, our "rod" (parental authority, corrective discipline, and protective guidance) must ultimately be a comfort to our children, never a source of fear.
The Rod Verses Restated
Taking each of these ideas into account, how would the rod verses read if we included all of the rich meaning below the surface, with the figurative language spelled out in a more literal manner?
He who spares his [authoritative discipline and guidance] hates his son,
but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.
(Proverbs 13:24)
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
[a parent's authoritative discipline and guidance] will drive it far from him.
(Proverbs 22:15)
Do not withhold correction from a child,
for if you [constantly correct and discipline him in your authority], he will not die.
(Proverbs 23:13)
You shall [constantly correct and discipline him in your authority],
and deliver his soul from hell.
(Proverbs 23:14)
[A parent's authoritative discipline] and rebuke give wisdom,
but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
(Proverbs 29:15)
Thus we have explored the concept of metaphor and how it is used in the rod verses. The two other figurative concepts mentioned earlier - hyperbole and generalities - come into play as well. Focusing particularly on Proverbs 23:13-14, we see it stated that this idea of authoritative discipline will cause the child to "not die" and will "deliver his soul from hell". This is both hyperbole (exaggeration) and generality. We understand that a parent does not literally have the power of salvation; Scripture tells us that only the Grace of God through faith in Jesus Christ can bring about our salvation. Furthermore, proper discipline does not guarantee the salvation of a child.
As parents, however, we have a weighty responsibility and much influence over our children. We must discipline them, instruct them, teach them, guide them, pray for them, and steep them in the knowledge and love of God, all while understanding that their ultimate salvation will come from Christ alone - and indeed, can and has come to many in spite of their parents' failure to properly disciple them.
Further exploration of Proverbs 23:14 leads to another interesting insight. The word "hell" comes from the Hebrew word "she'owl" and has a number of meanings:
- sheol, underworld, grave, hell, pit
- Sheol - the OT designation for the abode of the dead
- place of no return
- without praise of God
- wicked sent there for punishment
- righteous not abandoned to it
- of the place of exile (fig)
- of extreme degradation in sin
Here we find the idea of "hell" as the "abode of the [eternally] dead" expanded to also include the meanings "without praise of God" and "of extreme degradation in sin". A parent's authoritative discipline can not only point them towards God (who ultimately has power over their salvation), but can also assist in preventing the child from being "without praise of God" and from entering into "extreme degradation in sin".
The Rest of the Bible
While God's Word is inspired and unchanging, it has also been subject to much cultural interpretation over time. The rod verses have been burdened with man-made ideas of corporal punishment as it relates to children, and much of the wisdom in these verses has been overlooked as a result. When we examine the rod verses alongside the rest of Scripture, we find a very different message than the one usually drawn from them, one of gentleness and mercy alongside authority. Consider the following passages:
At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes!
(Matthew 18:1-7)
Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” And He took them up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.
(Mark 10:13-16)
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
(Ephesians 6:4)
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
(Colossians 3:21)
But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children.
(1 Thessalonians 2:7)
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
(1 John 4:18)
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
(Ephesians 4:2)
Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’
(Matthew 18:32-33)
Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do You say?” This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear. So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”
(John 8:3-7)
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
(Romans 12:17-21)
What do you want? Shall I come to you with a rod, or in love and a spirit of gentleness?
(1 Corinthians 4:21)
Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
(Matthew 7:12)
Summary
A literal interpretation of the rod verses fails to reveal the rich meaning, wisdom, and truth the proverbs contain. The literal interpretation was examined in Part 1, while the figurative language found throughout the Book of Proverbs was examined in Part 2. Part 3 has looked beyond the literal interpretation to the deeper meaning these verses hold.
The rod was, at the time the Book of Proverbs was written, a culturally-understood representation of authority. In the rod verses, this speaks to the idea of parental authority over a child. This authority is one of vision, leadership, and instruction, with the parent's life experience (knowledge, principles, right-living, and more) transferred from the parent to the child as he grows.
The rod verses also speak to the idea of corrective discipline. Examining the Hebrew words behind these concepts reveals nothing that points specifically to physical chastisement. Rather, we find the idea of a parent's authoritative discipline and correction being a constant presence in a child's life. From a foundation of relationship, this discipline seeks to impart wisdom and generate internal change rather than merely modify external behaviour.
Finally, when examining the picture of the shepherd's rod, along with his co-tool, the staff, we discover the idea of the rod as protective guidance. The shepherd's rod was used to defend and discipline his sheep, and was a symbol of his power, authority, and defense. The shepherd's staff was used to gently lift and guide his sheep, and was a symbol of comfort and compassion. Neither tool was ever used to strike the sheep. Likewise, a parent should use his authority not to instil fear, but to gently protect, guide, and comfort them.
In short, the rod is a picture of a parent's constant authoritative discipline as he gently guides his child along the right path.
For further study:
Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the spanking controversy by Samuel Martin
A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by Phillip Keller
A Study of "The Rod" Scriptures
An Answer to Proverbs 23 and 'beatest'
Christian Child Discipline: Is Spanking Biblical?
Train up a Child in Whose Way?
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