Weekend Reading

• Cheesecake @ Surviving the World
• Anger Is Not a Sin @ Rachel Held Evans
• Incarnating the Books @ Introverted Church
• Biblical Instructions for Discipline @ Dulce de leche

Gentle Discipline Basics: Teaching Skills

While punishment and praise may be effective as a means of modifying a child's external behaviour, gentle discipline seeks to provide children with the tools they need to better manage the situation in the future. One of the primary methods of doing so is placing the focus on teaching the child what to do rather than imposing a punishment for what was already done.

This idea of teaching skills applies throughout childhood. For example:

• babies can be taught to touch gently rather than hitting,
• toddlers can be taught how to express and work through their big emotions rather than being sent for a time-out, and
• children can be taught the skills of conflict resolution and making amends rather than having an arbitrary privilege removed as punishment after an altercation.

These future-oriented solutions provide the child with skills that will be used throughout and beyond childhood. The focus is on developing the child's own internal control rather than on managing behaviour through external control, thereby assisting the child in navigating life in a way that keeps their dignity intact.

This often requires that the parent first reframe their own view of their children. Rather than viewing their behaviour as "naughty", "bad", or "defiant", accept that they are immature beings who have yet to learn the skills necessary to handle the situation in a more socially-acceptable manner. Once that perspective is in place, we can move on to providing them with those skills in a respectful and consistent manner.

Teach emotional awareness

The first step in teaching skills is to give the child the words needed to name their feelings as well as the tools needed to handle, rather than suppress, those challenging emotions. Reflect their feelings and give names to them while describing what you see. As they get older, encourage them to use these phrases themselves, coupled with other healthy and appropriate means of expressing and working through their feelings.

Look for the need behind the action or the cause behind the behaviour. Can an acceptable alternative be offered, allowing the parent to say "yes" to the driving need instead of "no" to the action? Can the root cause behind the behaviour be solved, such as a nap, snack, or moment of reconnection? As the child grows, a healthy emotional self-awareness will allow them to recognize these driving needs for themselves.

Use scripts

Expanding on the idea of providing children with the necessary vocabulary to name their feelings, the use of scripts provides children with a more appropriate way of making their needs known. Scripts are simple sentences provided by the parent that rephrase the child's less acceptable way of expressing themselves. The scripts will increase in complexity along with the child's verbal abilities.

In the beginning stages, the parent will simply state the script while carrying out the action. Eventually, the child will be prompted to repeat the script. In time, the prompting will become a requirement, where, for example, a request will not be carried out until it is restated in a polite manner. In its final stages, a simple reminder will be offered.

There must be an acceptance of the fact that children will require repetition in order to form healthy habits. "Try again" is a useful phrase to use as a reminder that what the child just said was unacceptable, providing them with an opportunity to restate things in a more appropriate manner.

Provide alternative actions

While scripts provide children with alternative phrases, they will need to be provided with alternative actions as well. Instead of focusing on what they shouldn't do, teach children what they should do. Show them better alternatives to undesirable actions, and be calm and consistent in enforcing the alternative. As the child grows, involve them in brainstorming these alternatives and putting them into place going forward.

Give them ownership over the situation

Children grow in maturity and responsibility when they are given ownership over the situation. Depending on the specifics, this may involve fixing the resulting problem, making restitution to the wronged party, seeking reconciliation, or determining a better course of action for the future. This acknowledges the wrongdoing but then shifts the focus away from the mistake and places it instead on finding a solution, thereby empowering the child and allowing them to develop their own sense of inner discipline. Punishment, which requires the child to pay an arbitrary penalty of some form in order to deter the behaviour from being repeated, removes this problem-solving opportunity and leaves the child feeling powerless.

Brainstorm with the child what this restitution may look like, but leave the bulk of the responsibility (increasingly so as they get older) on their shoulders. The parent is there to guide, advise, and support the child, but not to rescue them or punish them.

Giving the child ownership over the situation allows the child to acknowledge their mistakes, accept responsibility for finding a solution, and develop the capabilities to then put their plan into action - not out of fear of punishment, but rather because doing so is the respectful and compassionate course of action.

Model appropriate behaviours

Children learn what they live. The way we treat our children becomes the basis upon which they view themselves and interact with others. When a parent seeks primarily to control the child, the child learns both to be controlled and to control others. Alternatively, when a parent treats the child with respect and grace, the child learns to treat others in a similar manner and to refuse to allow others to treat them poorly.

Children also learn from the way we treat others and the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Lead by example, modelling essential life skills and appropriate behaviour: respectful manners, non-violent conflict resolution, healthy boundaries, emotional awareness, time management skills, and more. Model humility through sincere apologies when a difficult moment has gotten the better of you. Model careful decision making and problem solving by narrating the processes out loud for the child to overhear.

Summary

Each of the above will need to be modified according to the age, stage, and personality of the individual child, but the basic principles remain the same throughout. Teach the child healthy emotional awareness, appropriate ways of expressing themselves, and acceptable alternatives to undesirable actions. Increasingly guide them to a place where they can acknowledge their mistakes and take ownership over correcting the situation. Finally, model those same healthy and appropriate behaviours in the way you treat the child, the way you treat others, and the way you allow others to treat you.'

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting. We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.


We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week. Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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The Gift of a Sibling

I watch them playing together, these two boys of mine. They build a city across the living room, each adding pieces here and there, a twisting mass of rails and roads and animals and vehicles. They talk and laugh, oblivious to the rest of the world.

I watch them come to a disagreement. I don't step in, not yet. I wait, and there it is, the boy's calm defusing: "We're starting to fight again. Can we find something else to do together?" Little brother agrees and their play resumes in peace. It doesn't always work out that way, but when it does, it is so very good.

I watch them later. The boy wants some quiet time in his room, so I gently steer a heartbroken little brother away. I know how the boy feels; I often crave that alone time myself. But, tenderhearted boy that he is, he hears his little brother's cries and opens the door, invites him in. They snuggle together on a bed and page through books. It's only quiet for a short time before the giggling and play begins again.

*******

Once upon a time, two pink lines told me my long-desired second child was beginning to form within my womb. I celebrated joyously.

I also doubted.

What was I doing to my firstborn by bringing another child into our home? Would he resent his big-brother role? Suddenly I was tired and sick; how unfair to him that we no longer spent our days as we once did! I was, for the first time, snapping impatiently at my beautiful little boy; would I ever be the same patient mother I once had been?

Little brother arrived and the boy was enthralled. He held his brother, snuggled with him, touched his fingers and peeked under his hat to see his ears. He was soon making his brother smile, then laugh. He cheered his brother on through each new stage.

And still I doubted.

I was too tired, too impatient, too worn out. I spent too long putting the baby to bed while the boy waited patiently on the other side of the door. Our old habits had been replaced with a new life; no longer did we bake together every week or take a walk every day. I no longer tackled the big projects with the energy I once had; instead I accepted them reluctantly, half-heartedly, or pushed them off altogether. There was so much guilt and I worried. Had he lost out when we took away his only-child status?

*******

Two more pink lines later and once again my energy was sapped, my patience lowered. Again long-awaited, again much-celebrated, and again the doubt and guilt.

Only now the doubt and guilt were doubled. Just look at them, playing together, loving each other, hugging and wrestling and laughing and best friends, these two are.

What have I done?

What will a third child mean? How will it change their relationships? How will this little one fit in; is someone always going to be the third wheel, left out, feelings hurt, tears falling?

Will my big boy, so responsible, so willing to do for others, grow to feel that we asked too much of him? More responsibility, less responsibility, I never know what's right. He's so small, this oldest of my babies. So big and so small.

His little brother will become a middle child. I don't know what that means; I was the oldest and only know the good and bad of that role in a family. I don't want my affectionate little boy to feel forgotten, overlooked, invisible is his position as neither oldest nor youngest.

And what will it mean for me? More children than hands, myself spread yet more thin. I don't want to be the impatient mother, the too-tired mother, the no-not-today-maybe-tomorrow mother, lacking both time and energy. I am afraid.

*******

I watch them. I watch and fears begin to fade, because such brotherly love and joy can only be a gift. One more can only be an addition, not a subtraction. Maybe their lives would be different if they were onlies - maybe we'd do more, explore more, travel more, tackle more, I don't know - but this gift of each other is something I could never wish away.

Their excitement over the new baby is infectious. The older one can hardly wait. The younger one pokes and prods my growing belly, asking question after question - is the baby sleeping? eating? pooing? ready to come out now? - and finishing with a hug and kiss before pulling my shirt back down. These two, they have no doubts, no fears. They simply embrace and I have so much to learn from them.

*******

It is late and I open their door, wait for my eyes to adjust to the dark. There they are. Even in sleep, they are touching, always touching, and I know: this is a gift. Always, always, a new sibling is a gift. This new little brother or sister will only add to their joy.

They are all three so very blessed.

A Day in the Life of a NPN Volunteer

It's that time again! You may remember the great post in December 2011 that highlighted the Natural Parents Network Volunteer's most popular or favorite posts from the year, or the March 2012 post which featured DIY projects, how-to's, recipes, and more. Well, we're back! This time we are bringing you a collection of posts that focus on what our lives really look like!

Today we are giving you a sneak peak into our days: a typical day in our life, a special outing, or photos which show what motherhood looks like for us. Basically, we are keeping it real!

There are a lot of really wonderful posts here that show that even though we blog about our parenting ideals, we really are just regular moms, getting by one day at a time. So enjoy our typical day in the trenches!


Laura at WaldenMommy: Life Behind the Red Front Door shares "Just Another Monday." This post appeared in March of 2012 and is a typical busy day with the Herd. You can also find Laura on Facebook.

Cynthia at The Hippie Housewife shares a typical day in her life, complete with a blood test, a stop at the thrift store, and lots and lots of books. You can also find The Hippie Housewife on Facebook, Google+, and Pinterest.

Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings shares A Day In The Life: Two Years Old, a photo journal commemorating her daughter's second birthday by attempting to capture a sense of the daily routine at this busy stage. You can also find Vibrant Wanderings on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Networked Blogs.

Laura at Pug in the Kitchen shares A Busy Day in the Life of her family. This post is a whirlwind look at life two children under the age of 3. You can also find Laura on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Momma Jorje shares Typical Visit to the Pediatric Cardiologist + Results. Read her post to see what it is like to take her infant son for regular visits to a cardiologist. You can also find Momma Jorje on Facebook.

A Little Bit of All of It shares Our Last Days as a Family of Three as she, her husband and 3 year old daughter wait for baby #2. She also wrote A Day in the Life of This Mom when her daughter was 2 and she watched a 5 month old. You can also find A Little Bit of All of It on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Networked Blogs.

Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares A Hot Day In The Life of Jennifer. This post appeared on a friend’s blog and is a humorous look at a typical summer day for Hybrid Rasta Mama and her sidekick Tiny. You can also find Hybrid Rasta Mama on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Networked Blogs.

Emily at Embrita Blogging shares an Ordinary Day with a pre-crawler from almost two years ago. You can find Emily on Facebook, Pinterest, and on Twitter.

Gretchen at That Mama Gretchen showcases A Day in the Life of her busy summer as she waddles around with a baby in her belly and a toddler in tow! You can also find That Mama Gretchen on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes shares A day at the Solstice Parade, a picture post about her trip to one of the local summer parades in Seattle. You can also find Shannon on Google +, Flickr, Pinterest.

Lauren at Hobo Mama shows what unschooling looks like in her house through Meetups and play dates. Far from staying indoors or isolated, you can find Lauren or Sam and their kids out at one or other fun and educational activity several times a week. You can also find Hobo Mama on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google +.

Kat of Loving {Almost} Every Moment wrote this post after having One Of Those Days. She was pregnant, exhausted and had a lot of errands to do with her two older kiddos in tow. In the end she was reminded of a thing or two...especially to always keep her chocolate stash well stocked!

Joella at Fine and Fair shares A Summer Sunday in Our Life. This day in the life photo project shows a busy Summer Sunday filled with gardening, friends, family, and shared parenting. You can also find Fine and Fair on Facebook and Twitter.

Erica at Childorganics shares And The "Play" Goes On. This post takes a peek of what a whole day of play looks like at their house. You can also find ChildOrganics on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

A day in the life of Dionna at Code Name: Mama and family in downtown Independence - from 6 month old EC'ing to the farmer's market to nursing at the Main Street Coffee House. By the way, join us for the August Carnival of Natural Parenting when our topic will be Farmer's Markets!

 

Amy at Anktangle shows
us (through photographs) a glimpse into a typical week in her world. You can also find Amy on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google +.

Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children shares The School Bus Comes Early. She speaks of how unschooling allows her family a flexibility in their lives to accommodate learning. You can also find Living Peacefully with Children on Facebook.

Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares "A Week With Jesse, in Pictures." This post is one in a collection of posts, where Christine shares the weeks happenings with her son Jesse with a picture for each day. You can also find African Babies Don't Cry on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Networked Blogs.

 

Lyndsay at OurFeministPlayschool shares "Day in Our Life..." This post looks at her family's day and their trip to a museum. You can also find Lyndsay on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest.

Weekend Reading

• True Gospel @ A Deeper Story
• Morning Activities: Start the day with play! @ Simple Kids
• Women of Valor: It’s about character, not roles @ Rachel Held Evans
• How To Take Care of Introverts: Toddler Version 1.0 @ Aias Dot Ca

Embracing summer

Ah, summer. So far you have not disappointed.

What was the best part of your day, Mommy?

Oh, what indeed?

The strawberry picking, with red hands and sticky faces and tubs filled with glorious red summer,
was definitely the best part.





The tidepool exploration, with crabs and seaweed and a coating of sun-bleached shells,
had to have been the best part.







The waterpark, with shivering children and cozy towels as afternoon became evening,
was the best part too.



It was all my favourite. Yesterday was good.

Today we're gorging ourselves on fresh strawberries while nursing our various
scrapes, sunburns, and sore muscles.

Today is good too.

Ready, Set, Run! 5 Variations of Tag for Small Groups

Summer is here at last, and what better way to celebrate than by getting outside and running around?

While most of my kids' time outdoors is spent in free play - digging in the dirt, taking pictures of flowers, creating sidewalk chalk works of art, making dandelion roadways for their cars, or picking buttercups (affectionately called "yellow chin flowers" around here, so named for the way they turn your chin yellow when held underneath) - they love a good family game of organized tag, too.

I play these games with the boy (five years old), the toddler (two years old), and sometimes the two-year-old daycare child and/or the husband. You might think 3-5 players is too small for some of these games, but they love our slightly modified versions all the same. Today we're celebrating the hope of warmth and sunshine by sharing some of our favourite variations of tag!

(Drawing from our visual family journal.)

1. What Time is it, Mr. Wolf?

This counting version of tag is one of our most frequently played yard games. It is suitable for our range of ages, allows full participation for all the children at the same time, and the build-up as the game progresses is thrilling for them.

The wolf (typically myself) stands at one end of the yard while the other players line up at the other end. One or all of them calls out, "what time is it, Mr. Wolf?". The wolf answers in one of two ways:

• For the first few times, the wolf replies by calling out a time ("three o'clock!"). The players then take that many steps towards the wolf before repeating the question.
• Eventually the wolf calls out "dinner time!" instead, at which time the wolf chases all of the players back to the starting line. Either the wolf tags them before they reach the line, or they reach the line first and are "safe".

Traditionally, the first child tagged on the chase back to the starting line becomes the new wolf. Because of the makeup of our small group, I usually remain the wolf and the game begins again.

2. Red Rover

This classic playground game was my favourite as a child, so I was thrilled when it immediately became the most requested variation of tag after introducing it to my own boys. While this game is typically better suited to a large group, we find it works just fine with our own group of 3-5.

In our small group version, the kids take turns being the person who will be called over. The rest of us line up on the other end of the yard, holding hands, and call out the familiar chant: "Red Rover, Red Rover, we call [name] over!" The child called then runs across the yard towards us and tries to break through our linked hands. He either succeeds or he doesn't; either way, he joins the line and the next child heads across the yard to await his turn. We cycle through the children in this way until they're ready to move on to something else.

3. Red Light, Green Light

The person who is the street light (usually myself, for this game) stands at one end of the yard while the other players line up at the other end. The game then begins:

• The street light turns their back on the other players and yells "green light!", an invitation for the other players to begin running towards the street light as fast as they can.
• The street light then calls out "red light!" and quickly turns around. The other players must freeze as soon as they hear "red light"; any players still running when the street light turns around are sent back to the starting line.
• Play is repeated until a player reaches the street light and tags them. This player then becomes the street light for the next game (or, in our case, the street light remains the same and the kids go back to the other end of the yard to begin another round).

4. British Bulldogs

Another childhood favourite of mine, British Bulldogs places the person who is "It" in the middle of the yard. The other players line up at one end of the yard and, when given the signal, attempt to run en masse to the other end of the yard without getting caught by the bulldog as they pass by.

With a large group, the players who are caught become bulldogs themselves, and play continues until only one person remains free. With our small group, the first person caught becomes the new solo bulldog for the next round.

5. Full-Contact Tag

Perhaps more appropriately called "wrestling", this is the boy's favourite version of tag. The object, if there is one, seems to be to tackle or otherwise knock each other to the ground. There is no single person designated as being "It"; everyone simply chases and wrestles with each other.

Because there are no rules, every round is unique, but they all typically involve a great deal of running, lunging, dodging, chasing, grabbing, tickling, and roaring. The toddler is, unsurprisingly, not a fan of this game, but he loves it when I hold him in my arms while chasing (and being chased by) the boy.

Linked up at the "Summer Fun for Children" NPN blog hop at Child Organics.