Missing him

I'm tired. Combine pregnancy with The Cold That Will Not Die, and it doesn't make for awesome sleep. So when she stood beside me asking up! up!, I really just wanted her to go find some toys and leave me to my coffee.

But she's feverish right now (this hasn't been a healthy week for the Hippie Household) and also adorable, so I picked her up anyway. She wrapped her arm around my neck (one-armed hugs only from this little thumb-sucker) and how many times have I missed such moments because I want just five minutes to drink my coffee or please, I just don't want to be touched for a moment or can't you see I'm trying to have a bit of a nap?

But I didn't say no today and what a reward, to have her hug me so tightly for so long.

The husband left this morning, another two weeks on site before two weeks back here and then gone again. I'm mopey and melancholy and I wonder, often, how other wives feel as they say goodbye. Am I as whiny as I feel? Do they wave goodbye, see you in a while, no big deal? I have no idea. My dad never traveled; it's outside my paradigm and I don't like it one bit, this new reality. It just doesn't feel right when he's gone.

I'm the lucky one, though. How lonely can I be, really, when I get these one-armed hugs from my baby and sloppy kisses from my preschooler and late-night chats with my growing boy? When I wake up more mornings than not with three kids in my bed and a fourth one kicking inside?

Still, I feel his absence and I'm mopey and mostly unapologetic for being so. I feel aimless; I don't really know what to do. I just wander around Cleaning All The Things. I hadn't realized how many of our daily anchor points depend on him - his coming and going from work, our mealtimes (which are so much more casual when he's not here), our evenings together after the kids are in bed, a kiss good-night and again in the morning. Now so much of our daily rhythm feels fluid, optional, drifting.

There was a time when I wasn't so bothered by our being apart. I looked forward to being together again but I didn't particularly miss him in the meantime. It just was. Things are different now and maybe we just need to find our way back to the middle. Or maybe not, maybe this missing him is just fine.

And maybe that's just an odd thing to wonder about.

Just writing along with the EO...

Returning

There's something about returning home that feels like fresh air, even if the air itself is a bit stuffy after a couple of weeks away. The husband and I walk through each room, opening blinds and windows to release the heat and stuffiness. It's rewarding to see everything just the way we left it. The beds are neatly made, clean towels are waiting for that first oh-how-I-missed-you shower, and our pillows have never felt so deliciously comfortable as they do that night. Only the empty fridge needs to be taken care of.

I unpack suitcases and backpacks, storing the empty luggage until next time. It's satisfying to put everything in it's proper place again. I start the laundry and empty the dishwasher before beginning the next day's grocery list. The kids are rediscovering all their favourite toys while the husband and I enjoy the quiet of our own separate activities, introverts recharging after all that travelling and visiting.

We haven't yet lived in this house for a year, but as soon as we stepped inside, the husband noted that it felt like home. The boy declared that he likes to be home the best, and I agree with the both of them. Being here just feels right.

The garden has grown beautifully in our absence - both the vegetables and the weeds. I'll take care of the weeds first and then we'll plant some more. We'll get back into our small routines of mealtimes and bedtimes and read-alouds and the rest. There's a midwife appointment marked on the calendar for next week; it feels grounding, somehow, that small square of evidence that we're returning to our daily lives, business as usual.

Ah. It's good to be home again.