Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Gentle Discipline Basics: Teaching Skills


While punishment and praise may be effective as a means of modifying a child's external behaviour, gentle discipline seeks to provide children with the tools they need to better manage the situation in the future. One of the primary methods of doing so is placing the focus on teaching the child what to do rather than imposing a punishment for what was already done.

This idea of teaching skills applies throughout childhood. For example:
  • babies can be taught to touch gently rather than hitting,
  • toddlers can be taught how to express and work through their big emotions rather than being sent for a time-out, and
  • children can be taught the skills of conflict resolution and making amends rather than having an arbitrary privilege removed as punishment after an altercation.

These future-oriented solutions provide the child with skills that will be used throughout and beyond childhood. The focus is on developing the child's own internal control rather than on managing behaviour through external control, thereby assisting the child in navigating life in a way that keeps their dignity intact.

This often requires that the parent first reframe their own view of their children. Rather than viewing their behaviour as "naughty", "bad", or "defiant", accept that they are immature beings who have yet to learn the skills necessary to handle the situation in a more socially-acceptable manner. Once that perspective is in place, we can move on to providing them with those skills in a respectful and consistent manner.

Teach emotional awareness

The first step in teaching skills is to give the child the words needed to name their feelings as well as the tools needed to handle, rather than suppress, those challenging emotions. Reflect their feelings and give names to them while describing what you see. As they get older, encourage them to use these phrases themselves, coupled with other healthy and appropriate means of expressing and working through their feelings.

Look for the need behind the action or the cause behind the behaviour. Can an acceptable alternative be offered, allowing the parent to say "yes" to the driving need instead of "no" to the action? Can the root cause behind the behaviour be solved, such as a nap, snack, or moment of reconnection? As the child grows, a healthy emotional self-awareness will allow them to recognize these driving needs for themselves.

Use scripts

Expanding on the idea of providing children with the necessary vocabulary to name their feelings, the use of scripts provides children with a more appropriate way of making their needs known. Scripts are simple sentences provided by the parent that rephrase the child's less acceptable way of expressing themselves. The scripts will increase in complexity along with the child's verbal abilities.

In the beginning stages, the parent will simply state the script while carrying out the action. Eventually, the child will be prompted to repeat the script. In time, the prompting will become a requirement, where, for example, a request will not be carried out until it is restated in a polite manner. In its final stages, a simple reminder will be offered.

There must be an acceptance of the fact that children will require repetition in order to form healthy habits. "Try again" is a useful phrase to use as a reminder that what the child just said was unacceptable, providing them with an opportunity to restate things in a more appropriate manner.

Provide alternative actions

While scripts provide children with alternative phrases, they will need to be provided with alternative actions as well. Instead of focusing on what they shouldn't do, teach children what they should do. Show them better alternatives to undesirable actions, and be calm and consistent in enforcing the alternative. As the child grows, involve them in brainstorming these alternatives and putting them into place going forward.

Give them ownership over the situation

Children grow in maturity and responsibility when they are given ownership over the situation. Depending on the specifics, this may involve fixing the resulting problem, making restitution to the wronged party, seeking reconciliation, or determining a better course of action for the future. This acknowledges the wrongdoing but then shifts the focus away from the mistake and places it instead on finding a solution, thereby empowering the child and allowing them to develop their own sense of inner discipline. Punishment, which requires the child to pay an arbitrary penalty of some form in order to deter the behaviour from being repeated, removes this problem-solving opportunity and leaves the child feeling powerless.

Brainstorm with the child what this restitution may look like, but leave the bulk of the responsibility (increasingly so as they get older) on their shoulders. The parent is there to guide, advise, and support the child, but not to rescue them or punish them.

Giving the child ownership over the situation allows the child to acknowledge their mistakes, accept responsibility for finding a solution, and develop the capabilities to then put their plan into action - not out of fear of punishment, but rather because doing so is the respectful and compassionate course of action.

Model appropriate behaviours

Children learn what they live. The way we treat our children becomes the basis upon which they view themselves and interact with others. When a parent seeks primarily to control the child, the child learns both to be controlled and to control others. Alternatively, when a parent treats the child with respect and grace, the child learns to treat others in a similar manner and to refuse to allow others to treat them poorly.

Children also learn from the way we treat others and the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Lead by example, modelling essential life skills and appropriate behaviour: respectful manners, non-violent conflict resolution, healthy boundaries, emotional awareness, time management skills, and more. Model humility through sincere apologies when a difficult moment has gotten the better of you. Model careful decision making and problem solving by narrating the processes out loud for the child to overhear.

Summary

Each of the above will need to be modified according to the age, stage, and personality of the individual child, but the basic principles remain the same throughout. Teach the child healthy emotional awareness, appropriate ways of expressing themselves, and acceptable alternatives to undesirable actions. Increasingly guide them to a place where they can acknowledge their mistakes and take ownership over correcting the situation. Finally, model those same healthy and appropriate behaviours in the way you treat the child, the way you treat others, and the way you allow others to treat you.'






Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting. We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.


We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week. Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.





Day 1: I'm Thinking About Gentle Discipline

Are you considering Gentle Discipline and don't know where to start?  Not surprising giving how the media talks about helicopter and permissive parenting.  If you like the idea of gentle parenting but don't know where to start then today's posts are for you!  Today we are giving away 1 copy of Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting AND 1 set of the Faber/Mazlish books How to Talk So Kids Will Listen... and Siblings Without Rivalry!  Click here to enter!

 Biblical Instructions for Discipline: How Should a Christian Parent? by Dulce de leche  
 10 Principles of Unconditional Parenting by Amy from Presence Parenting writing for Natural Parents Network  
 Looking for a Better Way by Practical OH Mommy  
 Want a Hug? by Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy  

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Day 2: Ok, Sounds Good. Now What?

Maybe you've read posts like yesterdays and you are intellectually convinced that this gentle parenting thing sounds great.  Now what?  Today's posts expand on the philosophy of gentle parenting as our authors break it down.   Today we are giving away 3 copies of For My Children and 1 set of the Feelings Flash Cards!  Click here to enter!

 Life Isn't One Size Fits All by Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children  
 So You're Thinking of Trying a Different Way? by Practical OH Mommy  
 When Empathy Doesn't "Work" by Dr. Laura Markham at AhaParenting.com  
 To Me, Gentle Parenting Means... by A Teachable Mom  
 Kids Are People Too - and how remembering that can make life so much easier by Momma on a Mission  

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Day 3: Beyond Punishment 

Now that you have a great basis for the principles of gentle parenting let's look at one of the trickier parts of implementation.  Punishment.  Consequences.  Regardless of how mainstream parents talk about it this is the "big scary" thing that many parents worry will make their parenting permissive.  Today's authors talk about this important issue.   Today we are giving away 2 copies of Positive Parenting in Action by Rebecca Eanes and Laura Ling!  Click here to enter!

 The Fine Art of Natural Consequences and Logical Consequences by Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama  
 We Don't Do Discipline by Tat at Mum in Search  
 Gentle Discipline Basics: Teaching Skills by The HIppie Housewife  
 Save Time Outs for the Soccer Field by Practical OH MOmmy  
 Punishment in Perspective by Paige at Parenting Gently  

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Day 4: But What About When...?

Today's authors look at some specific situations that many parents face and give us a gentle approach to resolution.  Today we are giving away3 copies of Help Your Child Want to Behave by Dr. Laura Markham!  Click here to enter!

 The Hardest Part of Gentle Discipline Is... by Practical OH Mommy  
 With Spit on My Face and Love in My Heart by MomeeeZen  
 Understanding and Responding to Preschooler Spitting by Dionna at Code Name: Mama  
 Parenting Gently Through the Preschool Phase by Attached Moms  
 Toddler Discipline and Balancing Needs by The Natural Parenting Mentors at Natural Parents Network  

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Day 5: Keeping Gentle Focus

When the society around you is parenting one way it is easy to fall back into old patterns.  Reminders about why you want to parent gently and how to do so can really keep you on track.  Today's post is by Parenting Gently Contributor Jennifer who shares some of her favorite posts.

You can enter your own favorites (by you or someone else) at the bottom of this post! Please add your name and the title of the post.

1. Heart Mama - The incident of the passionfruit vine; on smacking children  
2. Heart Mama: Giving your child a space to feel  
3. Getting It Wrong: What Gentle Discipline Is Not by Paige at Baby Dust Diaries  
4. It’s All About Empathy: Nurturing a Toddler’s Compassion Potential by Paige at Baby Dust Diaries  
5. Dealing with Misbehavior: One Valuable Word by Laura at Authentic Parenting  
6. Positive parenting connection  
7. If I am kind to my child...by Ariadne from Positive Parenting Connection  

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2 comments:

  1. Modelling is so, so important. If we model peaceful ways of resolving conflicts, then that's what we'll see from our children. If we punish them and spank them, then they'll think that that's ok to do to others.

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  2. Yes, so very true! Lovely piece, which I found through the Gentle Discipline Carnival. I haven't heard of "scripts" before in that context, so very interesting...All these points are very well worth making, as I am finding more and more that people want alternative methods of disciplining children - something that works - they often just don't know where to find the information. I will be following your blog; lovely stuff! :) Zanni

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