Some days I think I'm finding it, my "groove", that new normal that everyone tells you about after a major life event. The baby's napping and the kitchen's clean and I'm reading to my kids and everything's shiny, lovely.
And then there will be this moment when I'm sitting somewhere - just sitting there, sleeping baby breathing against my chest - and suddenly I'm a nervous wreck. What am I doing, I'm going to mess this all up, holy swear word I can't do this.
One day I'm tackling a new recipe for the dinner. The next day it's a fridge-cleaning leftover free-for-all. Breakfast for dinner? Why the heck not.
One moment I'm telling stories with the boy, the next moment he touches my foot and oh for goodness' sake will you just stop TOUCHING ME for one minute??
I wonder if they can put their RESP money towards therapy instead.
I'm caught up on the laundry but behind on work. Those to-do items have been on my list for so long that my eyes automatically skip over them; my brain remembers, though, late at night when I need to be sleeping but instead I'm feeling guilty because I didn't get around to that editing gig again and those baby announcements are still sitting on my desk when am I going to address them and I just want to write a blog post but it's hard when there's always a baby in my arms but oh she's so perfect I could just cry maybe I will.
I'm always thinking five things at once and usually doing none of them.
I'm happy and relatively calm but I just want my brain to stop for a while. Stop thinking about what needs to be done, stop feeling guilty for being behind, stop racing ahead, just stop.
But I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Finding a bit of rhythm amidst the chaos. Maybe it'll always feel like normal is just around the corner; then again, maybe it really is.
Mostly though, I'm still just feeling lovestruck. I've got this perfect cuddly baby girl, a spunky wide-eyed toddler, and a fascinatingly creative growing boy. The ups and downs are just life.
There. I'm feeling better already.