Turns out my kids are entrepreneurs. They offer a variety of spa and fitness services in exchange for room and board. They came up with the services all on their own; in fact, they seem to have a knack for it from birth.
What services, you ask?
Face texturizing: Smooth skin is so last decade. Using intermittent wailing throughout the night, this 100% natural treatment is guaranteed to add beautiful dark bags below your eyes, giving you the varied skin depth and high interest you've always dreamed of.
Skin treatment: The periodic application of drool, spit up, and bodily waste will leave your skin smelling a baby. Mechanics of delivery are varied and include slobbery kisses, chewing, leaky diapers, and direct application.
Personal trainer: With steady refrains of "I'm hungry!", "I need to be wiped!", and "Oops, it was an accident!", your personal trainer will keep you on your feet and motivated all the blessed day long.
Full-body massage: After an active day on your feet, a two-on-one wrestling match with your high-energy trainers will loosen those stiff muscles. Hugs, snuggles, and nursing-massages will aid in the relaxation process.
Nutrition specialist: Specializing in portion control, your nutrition specialist will help himself to a share of the food on your plate. In the event that nothing on your plate appeals to your nutrition specialist, he will request your frequent assistance during mealtime in order to prevent you from consuming too much food in one sitting.
There you have it, my own in-home spa and fitness club, open 24/7. My life is grand.
If you don't have children, come on by for your own spa treatments. If you do have children, do they offer any additional services that I should let mine know about?