Attachment Parenting: A Christian perspective

Today in our Attachment Parenting Series, we will be discussing Attachment Parenting from a Christian perspective. If you have written a post on faith as it relates to Attachment Parenting, please do share it with us in the comments below!

Introduction

We are our children's first picture of God. It is of utmost importance that the picture we give them is as accurate as our human selves can offer. This requires that we ourselves first have a holistic understanding of God’s character.

When reading Scripture, it is helpful to take note of the many descriptions of God’s character. These descriptions tell us how God interacts with His children, and we can use them as a model as we raise our own children in love and grace. While the details will be different for each family, an exploration of God’s character reveals a strong congruence with the underlying values of Attachment Parenting.

Three Truths

There are three distinct areas that support a relational, attachment-based style of parenting: God’s character, God’s design, and Christian instruction. We will explore each and its relation to Attachment Parenting below.

God’s character

God answers our cries (Jonah 2:2), draws us with loving-kindness (Jeremiah 31:3), and is slow to anger and rich in love (Psalm 145:8). He comforts us “as a mother comforts her child” (Isaiah 66:13) and has compassion on us “as a father has compassion on his children” (Psalm 103:13). His kindness leads us towards repentance (Romans 2:4).

We discover more of God’s character in the parable Jesus tells about the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). After the younger son squanders his wealth on wild living and prostitutes, he returns to his father, hungry and ashamed. Rather than chastise him, his father was filled with compassion for him. He ran to his son, threw his arms around him, kissed him, and called to the servants to prepare a celebratory feast.

The more we understand God’s character, the better we can present that picture of God to our children through our words and actions. We build their perception of God as we answer their cries, treat them with kindness, withhold our anger, lavish them with love, comfort them, have compassion on them, and celebrate them as a unique creation of God. Attachment Parenting encourages this responsive, wooing, relationship-based approach to raising our children.

God’s design

God created our babies, their cues, and our instinctive response to those cues. He gave us the hormones that facilitate bonding, the ability to nourish our babies through breastfeeding, and the means to naturally space our children through lactation induced amenorrhea.

By design, babies cry to signal their needs, and their mothers respond to that cry both physically (as their milk lets down) and psychologically (by wanting to pick up and comfort or nurse the child). Our babies feel safest when sleeping near their mothers, and mothers as well often sleep easier when their children are nearby. Babies thrive on touch, and a high-touch attachment relationship offers physiological and psychological benefits to both parent and child.

Breastfeeding imagery is used extensively in Scripture (see, for example, Isaiah 60:16, Isaiah 66:11, and Psalm 22:9). There is perhaps no place that should be more encouraging of this natural, God-designed practice than the church, and yet too often it is those within the church who hide nursing mothers in back rooms, holding fast instead to a misguided and misdirected notion of modesty. Breastfeeding is a mother's first foray into learning to read, trust, and respond to her child's cues. The infant, likewise, develops a strong emotional security as he learns to trust that his needs will be quickly and appropriately responded to. The more sensitive a mother becomes to her child's cues, the better the child becomes at giving those cues. This is the beginning of communication and connection between mother and child.

As connection grows, the mother/child relationship becomes increasingly natural and instinctive. The resulting mutual trust and sensitivity is the basis of the parent/child relationship and the foundation upon which future discipline will rely. The better the mother knows her child, and the more the child trusts his or her mother, the easier discipline will be as the child grows.

Each of the AP tools serves to strengthen that foundation, which will be built on with each passing year. (More about this in the next installment of the Attachment Parenting series, "Attachment Parenting: Beyond the baby years".) Not every family will use every tool or use them in the same way. It is the heart behind the tool – the desire to respond sensitively to our children’s needs and to seek ways to build and strengthen a mutually-trusting parent/child relationship – that is of true importance.

Christian instruction

Scripture offers many instructions for Christians on how to practically live out the commands to love God and to love our neighbour as ourselves. None of these instructions exclude children.

The Bible instructs us to comfort those who mourn, to feed those who are hungry, and to love the unlovely. We are instructed to be compassionate, to sacrifice, and to extend mercy to others. We are exhorted to be gentle and kind, building others up through our encouraging words. When we are walking in the Spirit and practically living out our faith, our lives will begin to bear the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

We circumvent the work of the Spirit when we accept a quick parenting fix in place of the sacrificial hard work involved in relational parenting, with its goal of heart-level change. This sort of convenience parenting – such as leaving an infant to cry alone, spanking a child, or yelling and punishing instead of guiding and teaching – serves the desires of flesh (ease, convenience, outward appearances). It may have short-term gains, but it fails to pay off in the long-term.

When we are living according to the Word, however, we will seek to apply these exhortations not only to other adults, but to our children as well. We will comfort them when they cry, feed them when they are hungry, and sacrifice sleep to meet their nighttime needs. We will be kind and gentle, speaking words of encouragement into their lives. We will guide them in grace and mercy. We will demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit to them rather than demand it from them. In all these things, whatever we do “for the least of these”, we do for Christ himself (Matthew 25:31-46).

Jesus told his disciples that “if anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.” He then took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking the child into his arms, he said to them, “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.” (Mark 9:33-37). We are called to a life of loving servanthood. To deny such service to a child is to refuse Christ himself.

God is love (1 John 4:8). Paul describes love in his first letter to the Corinthians:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Patience. Kindness. Humility. Slow to anger and quick to forgive. Protective and persevering. These must be the hallmarks of our love as demonstrated to our children. Attachment Parenting provides a holistic approach to demonstrating this love in the context of a healthy parent/child relationship.

Three Heresies

There are three heresies that have worked their way into much of the church, all of which serve to draw us away from a natural, instinctive approach to raising our children. These beliefs encourage a harsh, rule-based approach instead, often starting with newborn babies.

Our children must be punished for their sins

Jesus died for the sins of all, breaking death’s hold on us and opening the way for our restored relationship with God. To say that further punishment is required is to negate the message of the Gospel, and yet many of the big Christian authors will tell you that your child’s salvation depends on you punishing them. Punishment is considered the method of paying for their sin and removing the child’s guilt.

This is completely contrary to the message of the Gospel, which says that all of our sins have already been put to death by Christ on the cross. Punishing our child again takes away from that message. It says that what Christ has already done was not enough.

The idea that any parenting method can save a child is likewise contrary to the Gospel. Only the Holy Spirit can draw our children to Christ. Only Christ can save our children through faith. This faith is a gift of God, lest any man (or parent) should boast.

Moreover, punishment is often unrealistic, as we begin to demand more from our children than we expect from ourselves. We talk of God’s mercy, grace, patience, and kindness when speaking of ourselves; should we then demand perfect obedience from our children and punish them when they fail to achieve it? Our debt has been paid through Christ. We must be cautious, then, not turn around and demand payment from our children for their wrongdoings, lest we become as the unmerciful servant of which we were warned.

God punishes His children when they sin

Rather than saving them, punishment presents a distorted view of God to our children. God raises His children with grace and mercy, not punishment. In His love, He does allow us to experience the natural consequences of our actions, but He does not punish us or send us away from Him. Likewise, Jesus did not punish His disciples, but rather patiently taught them and guided them toward a fuller understanding of God.

The idea that God punishes His children is contrary to His grace. It further serves to negate the Gospel, suggesting that further punishment is needed on top of what Christ has already accomplished on the cross. We feel pain when we sin because we are walking apart from God and from His best for our lives. This pain is self-inflicted as we choose separation from His loving guidance. When we repent and turn back to God, He forgives us without first demanding repayment or inflicting punishment. We are called to offer this same generous forgiveness to those around us - including our children.

God is Love. God is good and merciful, the same then, now, and forevermore. It is a flawed understanding of His character that leads to delineation between the “wrathful” God of the Old Testament and the “merciful” God of the New Testament.

Some argue that God punishes His enemies, those who are evil and unrepentant. Our children are not our enemies and their childish antics are not evil. Even if that were not the case, we are instructed not to take revenge, nor to repay evil for evil, for the Lord is judge and it is His to avenge.

Rules and good behaviour produce Godly people

A strict focus on rules and behaviour suggests that what matters is our outward behaviour. Scripture tells us, however, that God looks at the heart. This misplaced focus also suggests that rules can keep us in line, and yet the Law proved otherwise – and “grace increased all the more” (Romans 5:20).

There often seems within the Christian community to be a hyper-focus on verses intended for others. In this case, many parents quote Ephesians 6:1 (“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right”), and yet ignore the verse directed towards parents that follows (“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and discipline of the Lord.”). It is not our place to make our children obey us; that verse contains an instruction for them, not for us. Rather, it is our duty to “bring them up in the training and discipline of the Lord”.

Indeed, we cannot make our children obey us. We can make them comply with our instructions, but true obedience comes from the heart. That sort of obedience can never be demanded from anyone. It arises from a relationship of love and trust. As parents who wish to assist our children in fulfilling that command, we must tenderly cultivate a mutually loving and trusting relationship with them, in order that out of that they may respond to us in true heartfelt obedience.

A proper understanding of child development enables parents to respond to their children in a helpful and understanding way. It allows parents to put aside the false notion that babies cry to manipulate rather than communicate, or that their child’s immature behaviours are sinful rather than normal (and ultimately healthy) developmental stages. With a solid understanding of age-expected behaviours in place, parents are able to actively and respectfully move their children from inappropriate behaviours to appropriate ones, guiding them towards what they should do rather than focusing on what they shouldn’t do.

There is no fear in love (1 John 4:18). You cannot beat a child into salvation. A child is not saved through a parent punishing him in order to "atone for his sin". A child is not saved by "being good". A child is saved through a relationship with Jesus Christ - nothing more, nothing less - and anything that suggests otherwise is outright heresy.

Summary

A child’s deepest understanding of God will be formed through their relationship with their parents. In order to ensure we model an accurate picture of God, we must first understand God’s character, design, and instructions for living.

God’s character is one of kindness, compassion, and love. God’s design encourages nearness and responsiveness. Christian instruction points us towards the sort of sacrificial love that leads to the fruit of the Spirit being evident in our lives.

Each of these three areas speaks to the heart of Attachment Parenting. Far more than merely the decision to breastfeed or co-sleep, Attachment Parenting encourages a responsive, relationship-based approach to raising our children. This is what an examination of Scripture calls us to, that we woo our children with kindness, guide them with gentleness, and respond sensitively to their needs. Attachment Parenting provides a holistic approach to demonstrating God’s love and grace to our children in the context of a healthy parent/child relationship.

There are three lies that serve to pull us away from this responsive, relational, instinctive style of parenting. First is the belief that our children must be punished for their wrongdoings. Similarly, next is the belief that God punishes His children for their sins. Last is the belief that rules and good behaviour produce Godly children. Each of these beliefs is contrary to the message of the Gospel, and each serves to suggest that what Christ accomplished on the cross was either insufficient or unnecessary for our salvation and the salvation of our children.

The wages of sin is death, separation from God. It was the sacrifice of Jesus that allowed restoration and reconciliation, opening the way to eternal life. Our children are saved through that relationship, not through punishment, good behaviour, or fear. God loves you, and He loves our children. We must be careful to treat them at all times as cherished creations of a Holy God.

Not every parent will choose to use all of the AP tools, nor choose to use them in the same way. It is not the specifics that are demanded of us, but rather the relational approach behind them. The more we understand God’s character, design, and instructions, the better we can determine the specifics in a way that is right for our family, with an understanding of the underlying heart and purpose: responding sensitively to our children’s needs and seeking ways to build and strengthen a mutually-trusting relationship with them.


“But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children.”
1 Thessalonians 2:7


Recommended Reading:

Parenting Freedom
Gentle Christian Mothers
The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson
The Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N.

Attachment Parenting Series: Beware of baby trainers

Welcome to our sixth installment of the Attachment Parenting Series - Beware of baby trainers! Don't forget to use the Mister Linky at the bottom to share your own information and experiences!

What is it?

The phrase "beware of baby trainers" warns the parent to be cautious of advice that recommends a rigid schedule-based style of parenting, typically at the expense of trusting the parent's instincts and the baby's cues.

How can we encourage it?

At the core of attachment parenting is a parent/child connection based on mutual trust. This trust is developed as the parent reads and responds to the child's cues, leading to effective communication and deeper connection between the two.

As this mutual trust and connection grows, the parent/child relationship becomes increasingly natural and instinctive. The parent trusts the child's cues as well as their own ability to meet the child's needs. The parent becomes the expert on their own individual child.

What the advice of baby trainers does, however, is undermine that cue-response cycle, thereby disrupting the mutual trust and connection between parent and child. It discourages the parent from trusting both their instincts and their child's cues, placing the baby trainer as the expert in place of the parent. It promises highly desirable results if the parent "trains" the baby by following a rigid, often harsh, schedule-based style of parenting.

What baby trainers offer is a one-size-fits-all approach to changing a baby’s behaviour, whether in regards to feeding, sleeping, or interacting with the parents. These strict rules, however, fail to take into account the baby’s feelings and individual needs. Unfortunately, the results of baby training typically bring short-term gain coupled with long-term loss. While the short-term results may be convenient, the damage to the child and to the parent/child relationship may be long-lasting and irreparable.

One of the big baby-training dangers is its threat to breastfeeding. Babies fed on a schedule rather than on cue are at risk of slow weight gain, early weaning, dehydration, and failure to thrive. Because the mother’s milk supply adjusts based on demand, the mother who feeds on a schedule is at risk of low milk supply due to her body’s inability to take into account her baby’s growth spurts, metabolism, or changing nutritional needs. Breastfeeding provides more than nutrition, however; schedule-based feeding prevents the pair from nursing for emotional comfort.

When the parent is watching the clock instead of child, important cues are overlooked. Crying is a late sign of hunger, and yet the scheduled baby is often pacified because it’s not “feeding time” yet.

Despite the dangers of excessive crying, baby trainers typically advocate some form of leaving a child to cry in order to establish a new sleep schedule. Parents are often warned not to allow the “bad habit” of co-sleeping. This early push for a child to sleep alone and all night brings with it many dangers, including an increased risk of SIDS, and further fails to meet the child’s emotional needs.

Baby trainers will often protest that their sleep schedules are not intended for younger babies (while others unabashedly promote a “from birth” plan to have the new baby sleeping through the night early on). The parent, however, lacking trust in the baby’s cues and in their own parenting expertise and intuition, is in danger of applying the advice to the extreme.

Many baby trainers also advocate pushing early autonomy through the use of “playpen time”, in which the child is expected to entertain themselves for a predetermined amount of time. Parents are discouraged from holding their baby “too much” for fear of producing a clingy, spoiled child, ignoring all evidence that says otherwise. Babies thrive on touch, and this hands-off style of parenting affects both the child and the parent/child bond.

Contrary to the advice of baby trainers, attachment parenting encourages the parent to discover their own individualized style of parenting within the attachment-promoting boundaries of AP. These boundaries, at their most basic, encourage the parent to know their child and respond to their child’s cues, trusting those cues and the parent’s own instincts above those who claim to know better than you do what’s best for your family. A high-touch, attachment-based approach to parenting builds confident parents and emotionally-secure children, allowing the children to achieve healthy independence at the appropriate developmental stage.

What if it doesn't happen?

Too many parents fall prey to these baby trainers at the expense of trusting their own instincts. With the abundance of parenting books available, it can be difficult for parents to know what to believe or which books to avoid. The temptation to follow the advice of a baby trainer becomes particularly tempting when the parent finds themself desperate for change in the midst of a challenging situation, most often related to sleep. When reading or listening to baby-training advice, the parent should proceed with caution in order to maintain their parenting instincts and keep the attachment relationship intact.

Watch for red flags

There are a few common threads that run through popular baby-training advice. These red flags warn the parent that the advice can have harmful and long-lasting consequences to either the baby's health or the parent/child relationship. Some of these red flags include advice that:

• contradicts AAP breastfeeding recommendations, including parent-directed or schedule-based feeding
• presents an adversarial "us versus them" view of children, including the idea that babies cry to manipulate rather than communicate
• promotes a rigid "one size fits all" schedule
• discounts the baby’s feelings and individual needs
• discourages parents from responding to the baby's cries
• encourages parents to leave a baby to play alone for long stretches of time
• warns against holding the baby “too much”
• recommends physical chastisement for babies
• denies the parent’s intuition or expertise in regards to their baby

Watch your baby

When accepting the advice of baby trainers, it becomes even more important to carefully watch the baby. Continue to read and respond to the baby’s cues, putting their individual needs above the training advice. Watch closely for signs of slow weight gain, dehydration, lethargy, developmental regression, detachment, and failure to thrive.

Trust your instincts

If it feels wrong, it probably is. Mothers are biologically designed to respond to their baby’s cries. When left alone, parents will instinctively comfort a crying baby, feed a hungry baby, and keep their baby close to them. Be wary of any advice that recommends doing otherwise.

Seek gentler alternatives

While the temptation to accept even harsh baby training advice is understandable in the sleep-deprived parent, explore gentle alternatives first. For instance, many of the popular sleep-trainers, including Ezzo (Babywise), Ferber (Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems), and Hogg (The Baby Whisperer), recommend training methods that require leaving the baby to cry, ranging from some form of controlled crying to the extreme cry-it-out method. Gentle alternatives include Elizabeth Pantley’s The No-Cry Sleep Solution, Dr. William Sears’ Sleep Problems Information or Nighttime Parenting book, and Dr. Jay Gordon’s Night Weaning Method. The same principle applies to other forms of baby training.

Repair and reconnect

For parents who have followed the advice of baby trainers at the expense of their instincts, expertise, and trust in their baby’s cues, it is important that the parent/child pair reestablish connection going forward. At the basis of this connection will be healthy communication, mutual trust, an awareness of the child’s unique needs, and a sensitive response to those needs. Parents can use play to connect with their child and help them work through their feelings. A straightforward discussion and apology can be immensely healing for both the parent and child.

Our experiences

Having an understanding of attachment parenting before my child was born gave me the confidence to trust my instincts and my child's cues. I was naturally wary of any suggestion that I watch the clock rather than my baby. I recognized the red flags in advice that pushed a "hands-off" approach to parenting - put the baby down rather than hold him "too much", nurse when it's "time" rather than when the baby is hungry, ignore his cries lest I be "manipulated".

Rather than the chaos I was warned of, I discovered that my babies soon fell into a natural cycle. As I watched, a predictable pattern emerged in their eating, sleeping, and wakeful periods, and yet lacking the stress and worry of having to ensure they ate and slept at a specific time. Rather than being a burden, attachment parenting allowed us calm and peaceful interactions as I learned to read their cues and meet their individual and ever-changing needs.

Summary

Attachment parenting warns parents to be wary of advice that recommends adopting a rigid schedule-based style of parenting or changing a baby's behaviour for convenience purposes. This advise undermines the parent's own expertise in regards to their child, discouraging the parent from trusting their instincts or their baby's cues.

These one-size-fits-all rules fail to take into account the baby's feelings and individual needs. They are a threat to breastfeeding, leading to failure to thrive when taken to the extreme. The parent learns to watch the clock, missing opportunities to learn and respond to their baby's cues. Parents are often encouraged to leave their children to cry in order to establish the desired sleep patterns, despite the dangers associated with excessive crying. A hands-off style of parenting is often encouraged to the detriment of the child and the parent/child bond. Because the parent loses the ability to trust their intuition and the baby's cues, they become susceptible to taking the advice to a dangerous extreme.

When listening to or reading baby-training advice, the discerning parent will watch for red flags, such as advice that discourages them from comforting a crying baby, feeding a hungry baby, or keeping their baby close. When implementing a baby-training method, it becomes even more important to watch the baby closely both for cues that indicate an individual need as well as signs of physical danger such as slow weight gain or dehydration. Whatever the advice, the parent should always trust their instincts. When change is needed, gentler alternatives should be explored before harsh baby-training methods. For parents who have followed the advice of baby trainers at the expense of their instincts, expertise, and trust in their child's cues, it is important that the parent/child pair reestablish connection going forward.

Babyhood lasts only a short time, but the ramifications of this stage last a lifetime. Long-term health and attachment should not be exchanged for short-term convenience. Rather than undermining the parent's expertise and intuition, attachment parenting encourages the parent to know their individual child and respond to their child's cues, leading to confident parents and emotionally-secure children.


Recommended Reading:

Ezzo Info
Getting wise to "Babywise" by Katie Granju
The Baby Book and The Attachment Parenting Book by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N.
Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent by Meredith Small


Now it's your turn! Add your link using the Mister Linky below to share your thoughts, experiences, resources, or struggles as they relate to baby training. I look forward to reading them! See you next Monday for our seventh installment - Balance!

Attachment Parenting Series: Belief in the language value of your baby's cry

Welcome to our fifth installment of the Attachment Parenting Series - Belief in the language value of your baby's cry! Don't forget to use the Mister Linky at the bottom to share your own information and experiences!

What is it?

Belief in the language value of your baby's cry reflects an awareness that babies cry in order to communicate. It rejects the belief that babies cry to manipulate their parents.

How can we encourage it?

A baby cries in order to make known a need. The cry is reflexive; the baby's very survival depends on it. As the parent promptly and calmly responds to these cries, the baby learns to trust that his needs will be met while the parent learns to trust in their ability to meet those needs. By viewing the baby’s cry not as a habit to be broken but as a means of communication, the parent is able to become an expert in reading the baby’s cues. The more sensitive a parent becomes to the baby's cues, the better the baby becomes at giving those cues. This is the beginning and very core of parent/child communication.

This sensitive response and effective communication allows the child to develop a secure attachment to the parent. As connection grows, the parent/child relationship becomes increasingly natural and instinctive. The resulting mutual trust and sensitivity is the basis of the parent/child relationship and the foundation upon which future discipline will rely. The better the parent knows the child and the more the child trusts his or her parent, the easier discipline will be as the child grows.

A mother is biologically designed to respond to her baby's cry. Upon hearing her baby’s cry, the blood flow to the mother’s breasts increases. The hormone oxytocin is released, causing the mother’s milk to let down. The hormone prolactin is released, creating an urge to pick up and nurse her baby. Further oxytocin and prolactin are released during breastfeeding, reducing the stress hormone cortisol and facilitating bonding between the mother and her baby. It upsets a mother to ignore her baby’s cry because it is supposed to upset her and spur her into action.

You cannot spoil a baby by responding to his cries. Babies are “spoiled” by being ignored. It is important that a parent understands the implications of failing to sensitively respond to their baby's cries. A baby does not have the cognitive ability to understand why his caregiver is not responding to his cries, nor does he have any concept of time or object permanence. This makes it highly distressing for him to be left to cry alone.

When his cry is ignored, the baby has two options: stop signaling or escalate the signal. Some babies will give up and become withdrawn, a short-term payoff for the parents who may find that their child discovers no reason to begin communicating with them at a later, more turbulent, point in life. Others will cry louder and more urgently, becoming whiny, clingy, demanding and manipulative as they grow. In either scenario, parent/child communication is inhibited. The baby loses trust in his cues and the parent loses another opportunity to learn to read those cues. The baby cannot develop effective communication skills or healthy methods of expressing emotions. Although parents are frequently advised to leave their babies to cry in order to develop independence, babies are simply not capable of such. True maturity and healthy independence requires a strong foundation of emotional security that can only come about from the love and support of his caregivers during his earliest years.

In addition to the psychological distress he experiences when his cries are ignored, the baby must endure significant physiological distress as well. Babies left to cry experience elevated heart rates, lowered oxygen levels in their blood, and elevated levels of adrenaline and the stress hormone cortisol. Too much cortisol over an extended period of time increases the individual’s susceptibility to illness and a variety of stress disorders, and can also lead to separation anxiety, panic attacks, and addictions. Physical changes to the brain occur from the excessive cortisol stimulation. Changes to the nervous system can cause the individual to become overly sensitive to future trauma. Chronic stress can lead to an over-active adrenaline system, resulting in increased aggression and impulsiveness. Children who experienced persistent episodes of prolonged crying as babies have higher rates of ADHD, lower IQ, and poor fine motor skills.

Babies whose cries are frequently ignored will have a difficult time developing healthy intellectual and social skills. They will often become insecure individuals, characterized by anxious, avoidant, and/or ambivalent interactions. Promptly and sensitively responding to a child’s distress, on the other hand, will make them more secure, compassionate, and better able to form healthy relationships as adults.

On a very fundamental level, failing to respond sensitively to a baby’s cries demonstrates a subconscious belief that babies are “less than”. When an adult we care about – a spouse, friend, family member, or even acquaintance – is upset, few of us would choose to ignore them rather than respond to their distress, nor would we want those closest to us to ignore our own cries. If we would not treat each other that way, we must ask ourselves why it would be acceptable to do so to our own babies.

A baby’s wants are his needs. However, as a child grows, he will develop more and more wants that must be refused. Responding to a child’s cries does not mean giving him everything he wants. That would be an unhealthy form of parenting. However, even here the child's cries should not be ignored. Parenting requires that we sensitively respond to our child's cries, whether to comfort him, acknowledge his feelings, teach him appropriate ways to express his emotions, or meet a need (hunger, discomfort, pain, and so on).

What if it doesn't happen?

Unlike the other AP tools we have discussed thus far, I am going to suggest that this isn't an option in attachment parenting - or in any parenting. Understanding the language value of your baby's cry is absolutely imperative.

However, that is not to say that parents who have fallen victim to the belief that babies cry to manipulate rather than communicate, and have reflected that belief in the way they parented their baby, should feel burdened with guilt over their previous choices. Some look back and regret the way they responded to their baby's cries; others look at their child and say that he seems just fine. In either case, it is more important to go forward with a sensitive response to the child's needs rather than either wallow in guilt or react with offense for how they chose to raise their baby.

The importance of an apology should never be underestimated. Parents are not and will never be perfect. We will make mistakes. We will have moments where we allow the frustrations of our current situation to overwhelm and get the better of us. We will accept faulty advice, become misled by those who claim to be parenting “experts”, parent under flawed philosophies, and develop our own unique blind spots and weaknesses. Immense healing can occur when we acknowledge our wrongs, apologize, and seek our child’s forgiveness.

Despite our best intentions, we may not always be able to respond promptly to our baby’s needs. Sometimes a baby will cry in protest to something that is necessary. However, even when we cannot immediately alleviate the cause of his distress, we can verbally acknowledge his feelings in an attempt to comfort and reassure him.

Sometimes, for their own mental health and for the safety of their baby, a parent may need to place the baby in a safe place and take a quiet break alone. This is always preferable to reaching the point of being so overwhelmed that the parent causes physical harm to the child. A strong support system is invaluable in these early years (and beyond) in order to provide the parents with encouragement and practical help.

Our experiences

I was fortunate to have discovered Attachment Parenting while pregnant with my first child. It afforded me the confidence and encouragement I needed to respond to my child’s cries in a society that was continually telling me I would spoil my baby if I did so. It was this tenet of AP in particular – the belief in the language value of my baby’s cry – that underscored all the rest of them. Because of this belief, I felt it was important to establish bonding immediately after birth. Because of this belief, I felt comfortable breastfeeding on cue. Because of this belief, I found it both desirable and practical to carry them throughout the day. Because of this belief, I kept them close to me at night.

Sometimes my babies would have to cry, either because I could not tend to them immediately or because the cause of their distress was non-negotiable (such as a car seat). In those moments, I would verbally acknowledge their feelings in an attempt to comfort and reassure them, talking and singing until such time as I could remove the source of their protest.

There were moments, however, when I would feel frustrated or overwhelmed. At those times, a few minutes alone in the bathroom – a chance to empty my bladder, brush my hair, splash some cool water on my face, and drink a glass of water – made all the difference in my ability to go back out and resume parenting with patience and kindness.

Summary

Belief in the language value of your baby's cry reflects an awareness that babies cry to communicate, not manipulate. As the parent promptly and calmly responds to the baby's cries, the baby learns to trust that his needs will be met while the parent learns to trust in their ability to meet those needs. This is the beginning of parent/child communication.

A mother is biologically designed to respond to her baby's cries. When a parent fails to sensitively respond to those cries, parent/child communication is inhibited. The baby experiences significant psychological and physiological distress, which can have lasting implications on the child's life. When the parent responds to the baby's cries without judgment, displeasure, or invalidation of his needs, yet showing no undue concern or anxiety, the child is able to grow into a secure and compassionate adult capable of forming healthy relationships.

While the parent cannot always stop the baby from crying, they can acknowledge the baby's cries and attempt to sooth, distract, or direct the expression of those emotions. If the parent is feeling overwhelmed by the baby's cries, leaving the baby to cry alone for a few minutes while the parent regroups is always preferable to staying and reaching the point of causing harm to the baby. A strong support system is invaluable in providing both encouragement and practical help.

You can spoil a child by giving him everything he wants, and you can spoil a child by ignoring him, but you cannot spoil a child by responding to his cries. Understanding the language value of a baby's cry is imperative in developing healthy parent/child communication and a strong, lasting attachment.


Recommended Reading:

Crying Information by Dr. Sears
Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us by PhD in Parenting
The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost by Jean Liedloff
Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love by Robert Karen


Now it's your turn! Add your link using the Mister Linky below to share your thoughts, experiences, resources, or struggles as they relate to belief in the language value of your baby's cry. I look forward to reading them! See you next Monday for our sixth installment - Beware of baby trainers!