Asking the right questions

I am the goal-oriented product of a goal-oriented society. I ask questions the focus on achievements, outcomes, accomplishments. I ask how I can get what I want, how I can improve my surroundings, how I can make things happen. Good things. Worthy things.

But on their own, they are the wrong questions.

They all focus on the end, but the end cannot be the foremost consideration. Too often I have witnessed - in the world and in myself - the goal becoming the Good Thing, and anything that aids in achieving that goal must also be a Good Thing. So very many things are justified in the name of attaining that Good Thing.

Parenting for Results

The principle applies universally, but I am a mother and I have a habit of seeing everything through that role. As a mother, I see all the ways in which we, too, focus on the wrong questions.

How can I make her listen to me?
How can I get him to do what I want?
How can I make her stop doing that?
How can I keep them safe?
How can I ensure my children Turn Out Right?

Their focus is on the end, achieving a goal, making something happen, and on their own they are insufficient.

Sometimes it is our own human weaknesses that most clearly illustrate the insufficiency of these questions. We want them to obey! now! and so we yell because it is effective and we don't have the time, energy, or patience to do the harder work of teaching and guiding. We focus on our desires and lose sight of what we believe to be true. These days do not define us, but they happen and we apologize and we try again tomorrow.

Other times, however, the insufficiency of these questions is demonstrated through deliberation rather than a slip-up in a moment of weakness. Entire parenting paradigms are built around the idea of goal attainment, promising children that grow up to be productive citizens or God-fearing adults or responsible or hard-working or whatever it is that we want to hear.

Perhaps even worse, these promises are often cloaked in religion, and there is always the looming threat that failure means the loss of our children's very souls. With that end, what means could possibly be worse? It is upon that question that many of those who call themselves Christian parenting experts build their kingdoms. Follow these biblical instructions and you too can be guaranteed to raise a godly child. We are assured we can raise them to righteous through these instructions, usually centered on a "biblical model" of corporal punishment, yet ultimately amounting to nothing more than moralistic behaviour modification.

There are no promises in parenting. If we could parent our children into God's good graces, they would have no need of Christ in their lives. We cannot presume to be able to do the work of the Holy Spirit; our children are as human as we are and will need God's beautiful redemptive grace as much as we ourselves do. Nothing is gained by making obedience the goal of our parenting.

If we parent with the belief that things will add up as we expect, we will be disappointed. There is no guarantee that good parenting will produce the desired results, religious or not. We must parent not for their obedience, but rather out of our own obedience.

And therein lies the question.

Asking the Right Questions

Whatever our goals, whatever our desires, however noble our purposes, there is one question that must accompany them all: Are my actions the right actions?

Not the goal. My actions. Are they good? Not will it work, but is it right?

In so many other words,
Is this the right choice in this moment?
Does this decision line up with my values?
Am I faithfully doing what I should be doing?
Am I, right now, bringing glory to my Creator?

Many things will achieve my goals, but far fewer things are Good and Right.

Goals are good. They give us direction for the journey. But when the question of how to achieve them becomes the ultimate question, we too easily lose perspective. Those questions must always be balanced by that one question, is this right?

My ultimate desire is to bring glory to God, as a person, as a parent, in whatever role I find myself at any particular time. Is this action going to please and glorify my Creator? Maybe your question will be different, not God but peace or love or freedom or kindness or non-violence or whatever your ultimate value is. But underneath it all, however we word it, whatever the ultimate motive is, the question must always focus on our own actions.

I cannot control others. I cannot guarantee outcomes. But I can always control myself, can consider my own actions, my own reactions, my choices along the way.

Likewise, I cannot control my children. I cannot guarantee that they will Turn Out Right. But I can control my actions and reactions, letting those be lessons that teach them about life.

This is the principle that ultimately guides my parenting. It is why we respond to our children's cries, speak to them with kindness, respect their individual needs, extend them grace, seek solutions rather than punishments, and apologize when we mess up. It is why we ultimately seek to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit to them rather than demand it from them. We ask not will it work, but is it right?

Beyond Parenthood

The same principle applies throughout our lives: our marriages, our relationships, our workplaces, our churches, everything. Regardless of roles or desired outcomes or anything else, the question of how to accomplish our goals must always be coupled with the question of is this action, right now, the right action in these circumstances?

The question is not how can I make my spouse do what I want, but how can I act and react in a way that lines up with my values? Not how can we grow our church, but how can we live faithful lives today? Not how can we get promoted, but how can we love and serve where we are? Not how can we make things easier, but how can we behave honourably in these circumstances?

With that question foremost in our minds, the rest often falls into place behind it. But even if it does not - there are no guarantees - at least we have lived well and without regret, having considered the rightness of our actions ahead of the achievement of our goals.

Gentle Discipline for Babies

From The Hippie Housewife Facebook page:

"Was wondering if you could share anything about positive discipline and redirection for babies? I am always finding wonderful articles for toddlers and older children, but I'm sure I'm not the only one that wants to hear more on the subject for babies. Thank you!"

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Babyhood is, for many, a delightful stage, filled with the joys of watching your new child go through all their exciting firsts: first smile, first roll, first time they reach for you, first time sitting up, first crawl, and on it goes. But it can also be the stage where parents feel the most helpless when it comes to discipline. After all, a baby cannot talk, lacks the reasoning skills of older children, does not comprehend cause-and-effect, and has yet to achieve understanding in many areas. What is a parent to do?

Prevention

Prevention is the single most effective tool at this age. Keep dangerous or breakable objects out of harm's way. Provide plenty of baby-safe space for exploring. A few necessary off-limit objects are fine (ours, for example, included our Wii and one shelf of books), but a room full of not-for-baby items squelches their ability to explore, learn, and grow in a healthy and age-appropriate manner.

Prevention also includes the baby's physical and emotional well-being. A baby who is tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or lacking connection with their primary caregiver will be less equipped to cope with the situations that arise in day-to-day life.

Build relationship

This is the time to be focusing on building the parent/child relationship through the development of communication and connection, not training the baby towards obedience. At this stage, the "Seven Baby B's" outlined by Dr. Sears are an excellent launching point. These seven tools include:

1. Birth bonding
2. Breastfeeding
3. Babywearing
4. Bedding close to baby
5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry
6. Beware of baby trainers
7. Balance

These tools are typically a parent's first foray into learning to read, trust, and respond to the child's cues. As the parent and child learn to communicate through the giving and receiving of these cues, a strong connection grows between them. This connection and its resulting mutual trust and sensitivity will form the basis of the parent/child relationship and become the foundation upon which future discipline will rely.

Distract, redirect, and follow through

Other top tools during babyhood include distraction, redirection, and follow-through. Remain cheerful and matter-of-fact throughout. "Oh, not for baby! Here's your toy, let's play over here." Say it and then do it. Calmly and consistently follow through by picking them up, removing them from the situation, and moving them to a more acceptable activity. These tools can be applied to a number of situations, including wiggling during diaper changes (distract with a toy or song), touching off-limit items (redirect to an appropriate object), or wanting to crawl away when that's not an option (distract with a busy bag).

Specific issues

Biting

Biting while nursing is often the first "discipline" issue that arises in a child's life. For the sake of the continued nursing relationship, nursing manners and boundaries must be established at a developmentally-appropriate level, often beginning with boundaries regarding biting. The most effective way to demonstrate that biting is unacceptable while nursing is to immediately end the nursing session. For a more detailed discussion of what to do when baby bites during nursing, see Kellymom's article on "When Baby Bites".

Particularly during teething, biting is common even when the child is not nursing. The most important thing to remember is that this is a stage. Truly, this too shall pass. However, the fact that it is normal and usually temporary does not make it something that should be encouraged or accepted. Be alert in order to prevent most bites, but if a sneak-attack does get through, let the baby know how it felt with a startled exclamation: "Ouch! Biting hurts!" (Be careful, however, not to overdo it and make the reaction an object of desire! Just keep it firm and simple.) Then replace the undesirable action with a positive one: "Here, you may chew on this."

Hitting

Ideally, the parent will be alert to the forthcoming hit and will be able to catch the baby's arm mid-swing. Regardless of whether the hit lands or is stopped, however, the response remains the same. Similar to biting, this response should include a) an exclamation and b) a replacement action. Our script has remained the same: "Ouch! Hitting hurts! Touch gently." Then, while stroking the child's hand against our cheek, we repeat the word "gentle". As the baby grows, this script is soon shortened to a simple reminder of "gentle", at which point the child replaces the would-be strike with a gentle stroke of our cheek.

Practice this word during calm moments as well. "Can you show me gentle? Oh yes! That's so gentle." It then becomes a fun bonding moment in addition to a reinforcement of the simple phrasing.

Screaming

One of the most common questions from parents of babies is how to make them stop screaming. Once they've found their voice, screaming and shrieking is an exciting way for them to experiment with this exciting discovery, but it's often not so exciting for the parents!

Unfortunately, there is little that can be done to stop a child from excitedly shrieking. The best proactive measure, however, is to turn the opposite skill - whispering - into a fun game. Practice talking as quietly as you can, and then as loud as you can, and then quietly again. This develops the skill of using a quiet voice and associates it with a single word that can then be used when the screaming starts.

What to avoid

Physical discipline is inappropriate for any stage, and babyhood is no exception. Parents are often admonished to slap legs, squeeze hands, pull hair, pinch arms, swat mouths, and spank bottoms of even the smallest babies, always accompanied with dire warnings of raising spoiled, self-centered little monsters if you fail to properly put them in their place right from the beginning.

Studies, however, have repeatedly demonstrated the damaging effects of physical discipline. Slapping hands has been shown to reduce healthy exploration and risk-taking, and the resulting lower self-confidence leads to lower IQ scores. The more children are spanked, the more likely they are to become noncompliant, aggressive, and antisocial. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not endorse spanking under any circumstance. It is a form of punishment that becomes less effective with repeated use, according to the AAP; it also makes discipline more difficult as the child outgrows it.

The word "no" is often a favourite among babies, and for good reason: it is typically the word they hear most often throughout the day. Avoid overusing the word "no". If possible, phrase your response differently and offer an alternative. Consider if there is a way to say yes. Can you sit down with the child to safely explore the item of curiosity? Can the "one-finger touch" rule be implemented with an older baby/toddler? While saying no is often the easier route to take, a child's learning can be greatly enriched when a parent seeks to find a way to say "yes" to healthy exploration. (Yes to every request for a cookie or a new toy? Not so healthy. Good judgement and common sense must always be the rule.)

Summary

Babyhood is the stage to be focusing on forming and strengthening the parent/child relationship. While this relational focus should remain throughout all stages, it is of particular importance during this formative year when the relationship has not yet been established.

With that focus in place, there are some tools that can be used to gently guide a baby through the trials of his or her first year. Proactive prevention, both in terms of the baby's environment and the baby's physical and emotional well-being, will set the child up for success and allow him or her the greatest opportunity to grow and explore in a healthy and age-appropriate manner. In addition to these proactive measures, distraction, redirection, and follow-through are excellent tools for guiding babies towards acceptable modes of play and exploration. Undesirable actions can be gradually, calmly, and consistently replaced with acceptable alternatives: teething toys instead of biting, gentle touches instead of hitting, whispering when necessary instead of yelling, and so on.

Ultimately, remember that babies grow out of the baby stage. They will grow out of it. There is often little you can do other than remaining proactive and keeping your responses calm. As they grow in their understanding, more and more gentle discipline tools can be added, but for now simply keep in mind that a baby is a baby. They are not being "bad" or "defiant" or "manipulative"; they are simply responding to the world around them in the only way they yet know how. Those reactions will be increasingly replaced with more appropriate responses throughout their childhood, but this need not, and indeed cannot, all happen now.

Additional Resources:
The Hows of Discipline
Gentle Discipline for Toddlers
Attachment Parenting Series: The Seven Baby B's

Do you have any specific baby-related discipline questions? What tools have you found to be most effective during the baby years? Share your baby-related gentle discipline tips in the comments below!

The Rod Verses: What are they really saying?

This is the third in a three-part series on the "rod verses" included in Proverbs. Part 3 (What are they really saying?) was preceded by Part 1 (Taking the rod verses literally) and Part 2 (Taking other Proverbs literally).

Introduction

The five rod verses included in the Book of Proverbs are often used to support the "biblical model" of corporal punishment of children. Despite the rich figurative language used throughout Proverbs, these rod verses are interpreted literally and then applied in a pseudo-literal manner. These five rod verses include the following:

He who spares his rod hates his son,
but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.
(Proverbs 13:24)

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
the rod of correction will drive it far from him.
(Proverbs 22:15)

Do not withhold correction from a child,
for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die.
(Proverbs 23:13)

You shall beat him with a rod,
and deliver his soul from hell.
(Proverbs 23:14)

The rod and rebuke give wisdom,
but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
(Proverbs 29:15)

The word translated "rod" comes from Hebrew word "shebet". It is used both literally and figuratively throughout Scripture.

When used literally, "shebet" refers to a shepherd's club (used to protect his sheep), a ruler's sceptre (used to represent his authority), or a tribe. When used figuratively, "shebet" refers to the authority of a person, a nation, or God.

As discussed in Part 1, a literal interpretation of the "shebet" contradicts itself. Exodus 21:12-27 is clear that a man can indeed die from being struck with a rod. Other instances of the rod being used to physically strike someone are referring only to grown adults. Boundaries are provided regarding the use of a rod on slaves. Nowhere in Scripture is there an example of a young child being struck with a rod, nor are any instructions or boundaries given to ensure its judicious use.

We will now look beyond the literal view to the deep meaning and wisdom these proverbs contain.

The Rod as Parental Authority

The Book of Proverbs is rich in figurative language. In Part 2, particular emphasis was placed on the concepts of metaphor, hyperbole, and proverbs as general principles rather than promises or guarantees. With these things in mind, it is logical that a well-known object would be used in Proverbs to bring to mind its culturally-understood symbolism.

If we replace a literal interpretation of the rod with its common figurative use of "authority", we find the rod verses speaking to the idea of parental authority over a child. Such an interpretation removes all contradictions and concerns of the literal view.

A parent's authority is one of purpose, leadership, and teaching. It comes from a place of life experience and has as its goal the idea of transferring this experience - knowledge, lessons, teachings, principles, character, morals, responsibilities, and more - over to the child as he grows. This authority is not intended to be used in an overbearing or selfish manner, but is intended for the benefit of the child.

What does that authority, practically speaking, look like? To examine this concept further, we turn again to the idea of the rod, exploring the rod as Corrective Discipline and the rod as Protective Guidance.

The Rod as Corrective Discipline

Proverbs 22:15 specifies the rod as being a "rod of correction" or, in other translations, a "rod of discipline". Here, the word correction or discipline comes from the Hebrew word "muwcar", meaning "discipline, chastening, correction". Of all 50 instances of this word, the KJV translates it as "instruction" a total of 30 times. It is never used in a manner which specifies physical chastisement.

This word "muwcar" is translated as "instruction" in Proverbs 15:5: "A fool despises his father’s instruction, but he who receives correction is prudent." The connection here is between instruction ("muwcar") and correction ("towkechan"), which means "rebuke, argument, reproof, correction". As with "muwcar", physical punishment is not inherent in this word.

Proverbs 23:13 states: "Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die." The two statements are used in a connective manner, with the idea of "beat him with a rod" being an illustration of the first part, "do not withhold correction". The word "beat" comes from the Hebrew word "nakah". This is the same word used in Jonah 4:8 to describe the sun "beating" on Jonah's head. This speaks to the idea of the sun being a constant presence, relentlessly striking down upon him. Likewise, quite apart from dealing physical blows, parental authority and discipline (correction, instruction, teaching, discipling) should be a constant presence in a child's life, even when such correction is unpleasant for the child. As we are reminded in Hebrews, no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but it bears righteous fruit.

Punishment, as understood in our culture, is the use of an undesirable action intended to make the child feel bad in order to reduce or eliminate the desire to exhibit the same behaviour again. The focus is on control over external behaviours to achieve compliance. The word "punish" comes from the Latin "peona", meaning "penalty". To repeatedly demand payment where payment has already been paid (on our behalf through Jesus Christ) is to negate the message of the Gospel.

Discipline is the continuous process of coming alongside the child to teach and guide them into maturity. The focus is on the internal, inspiring proper motives for heart-level obedience. It's goal is to impart knowledge, wisdom, self-control, an understanding of right from wrong, and an internal desire to choose the right course of action.

Proverbs 29:15 tells us that "the rod and rebuke give wisdom." While punishment (including spanking) can be used to modify behaviour (external), it does not impart wisdom (internal). A parent's corrective discipline draws from a much larger base of tools and relies on a strong foundational parent/child relationship. Physical chastisement is unnecessary as a tool to achieve the desired goals of discipline.

The Rod as Protective Guidance

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4
When we consider the picture of the rod as a shepherd's rod, we find two more ideas to add to our understanding: the use of the rod as protection and as guidance.

In his book "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23", shepherd and author Phillip Keller described the use of the shepherd's rod ("shebet") in protecting his sheep:

"...[T]he shepherd boy spends hours practicing with this club, learning how to throw it with amazing speed and accuracy. It becomes his main weapon of defense for both himself and his sheep.

...The sheep asserts that the owner's rod, his weapon of power, authority and defense, is a continuous comfort to him. For with it the manager is able to carry out effective control of his flock in every situation.

...There is a second dimension in which the rod is used by the shepherd for the welfare of his sheep - namely that of discipline. If anything, the club is used for this purpose perhaps more than any other. If the shepherd saw a sheep wandering away on its own, or approaching poisonous weeds, or getting too close to danger of one sort or another, the club would go whistling through the air to send the wayward animal scurrying back to the bunch."

A shepherd also carried a second instrument, a staff. In Hebrew, this word is "mish'enah" and means support or staff. Although this word is not used in the rod verses, the idea is worth exploring in order to provide a more complete picture of a shepherd's care of his sheep. Keller described the use of the staff as well:

"The staff is essentially a symbol of the concern, the compassion that a shepherd has for his charges. No other single word can better describes its function on behalf of the flock than that it is for their comfort.

Whereas the rod conveys the concept of authority, of power, of discipline, of defense against danger, the word 'staff' speaks of all that is longsuffering and kind.

...There are three areas of sheep management in which the staff plays a most significant role. The first of these lies in drawing sheep together into an intimate relationship. The shepherd will use his staff to gently lift a newborn lamb and bring it to its mother if they become separated.

But in precisely the same way, the staff is used by the shepherd to reach out and catch individual sheep, young or old, and draw them close to himself for intimate examination. The staff is very useful this way for the shy and timid sheep that normally tend to keep at a distance from the shepherd.

The staff is also used for guiding sheep. Again and again I have seen a shepherd use his staff to guide his sheep gently into a new path or through some gate or along dangerous, difficult routes. He does not use it actually to beat the sheep. Rather, the tip of the long slender stick is laid gently against the animal's side and the pressure applied guides the sheep in the way the owner wants it to go. Thus the sheep is reassured of its proper path."

According to Keller, sheep will not lie down and rest unless they are free of all fear. Thus the rod and the staff are used only for the benefit of the sheep. At no time is either instrument used to strike the sheep. Likewise, our "rod" (parental authority, corrective discipline, and protective guidance) must ultimately be a comfort to our children, never a source of fear.

The Rod Verses Restated

Taking each of these ideas into account, how would the rod verses read if we included all of the rich meaning below the surface, with the figurative language spelled out in a more literal manner?

He who spares his [authoritative discipline and guidance] hates his son,
but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.
(Proverbs 13:24)

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
[a parent's authoritative discipline and guidance] will drive it far from him.
(Proverbs 22:15)

Do not withhold correction from a child,
for if you [constantly correct and discipline him in your authority], he will not die.
(Proverbs 23:13)

You shall [constantly correct and discipline him in your authority],
and deliver his soul from hell.
(Proverbs 23:14)

[A parent's authoritative discipline] and rebuke give wisdom,
but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
(Proverbs 29:15)

Thus we have explored the concept of metaphor and how it is used in the rod verses. The two other figurative concepts mentioned earlier - hyperbole and generalities - come into play as well. Focusing particularly on Proverbs 23:13-14, we see it stated that this idea of authoritative discipline will cause the child to "not die" and will "deliver his soul from hell". This is both hyperbole (exaggeration) and generality. We understand that a parent does not literally have the power of salvation; Scripture tells us that only the Grace of God through faith in Jesus Christ can bring about our salvation. Furthermore, proper discipline does not guarantee the salvation of a child.

As parents, however, we have a weighty responsibility and much influence over our children. We must discipline them, instruct them, teach them, guide them, pray for them, and steep them in the knowledge and love of God, all while understanding that their ultimate salvation will come from Christ alone - and indeed, can and has come to many in spite of their parents' failure to properly disciple them.

Further exploration of Proverbs 23:14 leads to another interesting insight. The word "hell" comes from the Hebrew word "she'owl" and has a number of meanings:

• sheol, underworld, grave, hell, pit
• Sheol - the OT designation for the abode of the dead
• place of no return
• without praise of God
• wicked sent there for punishment
• righteous not abandoned to it
• of the place of exile (fig)
• of extreme degradation in sin

Here we find the idea of "hell" as the "abode of the [eternally] dead" expanded to also include the meanings "without praise of God" and "of extreme degradation in sin". A parent's authoritative discipline can not only point them towards God (who ultimately has power over their salvation), but can also assist in preventing the child from being "without praise of God" and from entering into "extreme degradation in sin".

The Rest of the Bible

While God's Word is inspired and unchanging, it has also been subject to much cultural interpretation over time. The rod verses have been burdened with man-made ideas of corporal punishment as it relates to children, and much of the wisdom in these verses has been overlooked as a result. When we examine the rod verses alongside the rest of Scripture, we find a very different message than the one usually drawn from them, one of gentleness and mercy alongside authority. Consider the following passages:

At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes!
(Matthew 18:1-7)

Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” And He took them up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.
(Mark 10:13-16)

And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
(Ephesians 6:4)

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
(Colossians 3:21)

But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children.
(1 Thessalonians 2:7)

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
(1 John 4:18)

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
(Ephesians 4:2)

Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’
(Matthew 18:32-33)

Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do You say?” This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear. So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”
(John 8:3-7)

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
(Romans 12:17-21)

What do you want? Shall I come to you with a rod, or in love and a spirit of gentleness?
(1 Corinthians 4:21)

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
(Matthew 7:12)

Summary

A literal interpretation of the rod verses fails to reveal the rich meaning, wisdom, and truth the proverbs contain. The literal interpretation was examined in Part 1, while the figurative language found throughout the Book of Proverbs was examined in Part 2. Part 3 has looked beyond the literal interpretation to the deeper meaning these verses hold.

The rod was, at the time the Book of Proverbs was written, a culturally-understood representation of authority. In the rod verses, this speaks to the idea of parental authority over a child. This authority is one of vision, leadership, and instruction, with the parent's life experience (knowledge, principles, right-living, and more) transferred from the parent to the child as he grows.

The rod verses also speak to the idea of corrective discipline. Examining the Hebrew words behind these concepts reveals nothing that points specifically to physical chastisement. Rather, we find the idea of a parent's authoritative discipline and correction being a constant presence in a child's life. From a foundation of relationship, this discipline seeks to impart wisdom and generate internal change rather than merely modify external behaviour.

Finally, when examining the picture of the shepherd's rod, along with his co-tool, the staff, we discover the idea of the rod as protective guidance. The shepherd's rod was used to defend and discipline his sheep, and was a symbol of his power, authority, and defense. The shepherd's staff was used to gently lift and guide his sheep, and was a symbol of comfort and compassion. Neither tool was ever used to strike the sheep. Likewise, a parent should use his authority not to instil fear, but to gently protect, guide, and comfort them.

In short, the rod is a picture of a parent's constant authoritative discipline as he gently guides his child along the right path.


For further study:
Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the spanking controversy by Samuel Martin
A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by Phillip Keller
A Study of "The Rod" Scriptures
An Answer to Proverbs 23 and 'beatest'
Christian Child Discipline: Is Spanking Biblical?
Train up a Child in Whose Way?

The Rod Verses: Taking other Proverbs literally

This is the second in a three-part series on the "rod verses" included in Proverbs. Part 2 (Taking other Proverbs literally) was preceded by Part 1 (Taking the rod verses literally) and will be followed by Part 3 (What are they really saying?).

Introduction

"A wise man will hear and increase learning,
And a man of understanding will attain wise counsel,
To understand a proverb and an enigma,
The words of the wise and their riddles."
Proverbs 1:5-6

These two verses included in the opening paragraph of the Book of Proverbs give us an important clue as to how the proverbs are to be read. This book is not a set of direct instructions, but is rather proverbial wisdom literature that makes liberal use of metaphor, hyperbole, anthropomorphism, and other types of figurative language, none of which are intended to be taken literally.

Taking Proverbs Literally

In spite of the figurative language used throughout this book of wisdom, there are many who insist upon a literal interpretation of the five "rod verses". This literal interpretation is then applied in a pseudo-literal manner to form the idea of a "biblical model" of corporal punishment of children.

What would it look like if we took other proverbs literally? This is the question we will be exploring. My comments on each will be brief; the concept as a whole will be expanded upon in the "Figurative Language" section below.

Proverbs 1:8-9 "My son, hear the instruction of your father,
And do not forsake the law of your mother;
For they will be a graceful ornament on your head,
And chains about your neck."

Proverbs 6:20-21 "My son, keep your father’s command,
And do not forsake the law of your mother.
Bind them continually upon your heart;
Tie them around your neck."

Proverbs 7:1-3 "My son, keep my words,
And treasure my commands within you.
Keep my commands and live,
And my law as the apple of your eye.
Bind them on your fingers;
Write them on the tablet of your heart."

These proverbs could be used to make a case for a modified version of Tefillin, with a parent's instructions physically bound around the child's neck.

Proverbs 1:31 "Therefore they shall eat the fruit of their own way,
And be filled to the full with their own fancies."

Proverbs 18:20 "A man’s stomach shall be satisfied from the fruit of his mouth;
From the produce of his lips he shall be filled."

Just as we recognize that the phrases "fruit of their own way" and "fruit of his mouth" are referring to something other than physical fruit, it is not unreasonable to presume that the phrase "rod of correction" is referring to something other than a physical rod.

Proverbs 3:21b-23 "Keep sound wisdom and discretion;
So they will be life to your soul
And grace to your neck.
Then you will walk safely in your way,
And your foot will not stumble."

To read this as a guarantee that the wise will not trip is to miss the bigger picture. Furthermore, reading the proverbs as promises can lead to much spiritual abuse; for instance, the idea that the wise will always be safe (as this proverbs states) lends support to the popular notion that those who experience injury or illness are experiencing the wrath, punishment, or discipline of God.

Proverbs 4:17 "For they eat the bread of wickedness,
And drink the wine of violence."

The bread of wisdom...the wine of violence...the rod of correction...

Proverbs 10:10 "He who winks with the eye causes trouble,
But a prating fool will fall."

Is this a warning against winking...or is there a larger meaning behind the words, perhaps a warning against being dishonest, sowing discord, mocking others, or tempting others into sin?

Proverbs 12:11 "He who tills his land will be satisfied with bread,
But he who follows frivolity is devoid of understanding.

Proverbs 28:19 "He who tills his land will have plenty of bread,
But he who follows frivolity will have poverty enough!"

These are very wise sayings, yes, but they are not promises or guarantees. Many a hard and faithful worker has fallen on hard times; many who work hard to till their land still go without food; many who are frivolous have more earthly riches than they could ever hope to use.

Proverbs 14:1 "The wise woman builds her house,
But the foolish pulls it down with her hands."

A literal interpretation of this would have many of us learning a few new trades; however, it would miss the deeper meaning and true wisdom in this proverb.

Proverbs 14:3 "In the mouth of a fool is a rod of pride,
But the lips of the wise will preserve them."

There's the rod again - only this time, it's a rod of pride. Is there a literal rod in the mouth of the foolish?

Proverbs 17:12 "Let a man meet a bear robbed of her cubs,
Rather than a fool in his folly."

Truly, I would take the fool over the mama bear robbed of her cubs! But to argue the point would be to miss the point of the verse altogether.

Proverbs 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
And obtains favor from the LORD."

Proverbs 19:13 "A foolish son is the ruin of his father,
And the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping."

The contrast of these two proverbs is an interesting one. A wife is a good thing, but a contentious wife is (like) a continual dripping. The first proverb is not a definite statement, but rather a generally true idea.

Proverbs 19:4 & 7 "Wealth makes many friends,
But the poor is separated from his friend.
All the brothers of the poor hate him;
How much more do his friends go far from him!
He may pursue them with words, yet they abandon him."

All of the brothers of the poor hate him, and all of his friends abandon him. Is this always and invariably true?

Proverbs 19:24 "A lazy man buries his hand in the bowl,
And will not so much as bring it to his mouth again."

I love the imagery here; to take it literally, however, would be foolish.

Proverbs 20:4 "The lazy man will not plow because of winter;
He will beg during harvest and have nothing."

...generally speaking, that is. Many lazy people, in spite of their laziness, do not go without. The Proverbs are not literal truths or guarantees; they are, however, very true when read as the wise sayings they are.

Proverbs 20:13 "Do not love sleep, lest you come to poverty;
Open your eyes, and you will be satisfied with bread."

Tired moms like myself are doomed. I love my sleep.

Proverbs 21:9 & 19 "Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop,
Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Better to dwell in the wilderness,
Than with a contentious and angry woman."

Truly better? Is this the advice we should offer to our friends who are having marital troubles, or the tactic a man should employ when living with a contentious and angry woman?

Proverbs 21:17 "He who loves pleasure will be a poor man;
He who loves wine and oil will not be rich."

The entertainment industry alone proves that this is no promise or guarantee. Many who love pleasure luxuriate in their riches.

Proverbs 23:2 "Put a knife to your throat
If you are a man given to appetite."

The instruction is clear; there is really no gray area here.

Proverbs 26:3 "A whip for the horse,
A bridle for the donkey,
And a rod for the fool’s back."

It is interesting that we no longer use corporal punishment on criminals, and yet we strike our children based on similar proverbs.

Proverbs 26:4-5 "Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
Lest you also be like him.
Answer a fool according to his folly,
Lest he be wise in his own eyes."

So...do or don't?

Figurative Language

This is only a minute sampling of the proverbs that make use of some type of figurative language. The idea of taking any of the above proverbs literally is unimaginable. Despite this, there are many who read the proverbial rod verses and, ignoring the figurative language they contain, use them to create an entire model of corporal punishment of children. As with other proverbs, this literal interpretation fails to unearth the rich wisdom and meaning the verses contain.

I would like to draw particular attention to two of the forms of figurative language used throughout the Book of Proverbs: metaphor and hyperbole. According to Merriam-Webster, these two terms are defined as follows:

Definition of metaphor:

a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them (as in drowning in money); broadly : figurative language

Definition of hyperbole:

extravagant exaggeration (as “mile-high ice-cream cones”)

In addition to making use of such analogy and exaggeration, it must be stressed that the proverbs are general principles, not promises or guarantees. Interpreting them as promises lends support to many atrocities, including spiritual abuse ("your financial/health/marital struggles are evidence of your unrepentant sin...") and prosperity theology (the "health & wealth gospel").

The Bible includes narrative, prophesy, law, proverbs, poetry, epistles, and more. To take it "literally" where it is not intended to be is to misunderstand it. Scripture must be viewed as a total work and grounded in context (exegesis), not used backwards to support man-made concepts (eisegesis). When reading Scripture, we are to be wise and discerning, testing the spirits, and recognizing hyperbole and metaphors where they clearly exist.

Summary

From the above examination, we can draw three conclusions:

1. Proverbs are not promises or guarantees.
2. Proverbs make liberal use of metaphor.
3. Proverbs make liberal use of hyperbole.

With this foundation in mind - first, the comparison between the "biblical model" of corporal punishment of children and the underlying rod verses themselves, and second, the exploration of the figurative language used throughout the Book of Proverbs, we can move on to the meat of the series in Part 3: What are the rod verses really saying?

The Rod Verses: Taking the rod verses literally

This is the first in a three-part series on the "rod verses" included in Proverbs. Part 1 (Taking the rod verses literally) will be followed by Part 2 (Taking other Proverbs literally) and Part 3 (What are they really saying?).

Introduction

Many Christians and Christian authors point to the "rod verses" as evidence of God-sanctioned corporal punishment of children. These five verses, all found in Proverbs, include the following:

He who spares his rod hates his son,
but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.
(Proverbs 13:24)

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;
the rod of correction will drive it far from him.
(Proverbs 22:15)

Do not withhold correction from a child,
for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die.
(Proverbs 23:13)

You shall beat him with a rod,
and deliver his soul from hell.
(Proverbs 23:14)

The rod and rebuke give wisdom,
but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
(Proverbs 29:15)

There is also a sixth "verse" frequently referenced: "Spare the rod, spoil the child." This saying, however, is found nowhere in Proverbs nor anywhere else in the Bible. It actually comes from a section of the satirical poem Hudibras written by Samuel Bulter in the 17th century, where he describes a widow suggesting that her suitor could prove his love by whipping himself or letting her whip him.

"Now if you'll venture, for my sake,
To try the toughness of your back,
And suffer (as the rest have done)
The laying of a whipping on,
(And may you prosper in your suit,
As you with equal vigour do't,)
I here engage myself to loose ye,
And free your heels from Caperdewsie.
But since our sex's modesty
Will not allow I should be by,
Bring me, on oath, a fair account,
And honour too, when you have done't,
And I'll admit you to the place
You claim as due in my good grace.
If matrimony and hanging go
By dest'ny, why not whipping too?
What med'cine else can cure the fits
Of lovers when they lose their wits?
Love is a boy by poets stil'd;
Then spare the rod and spoil the child."

Clearly, this bawdy line is in no way intended to be applied to children. (For further context, the entire text can be read here.)

The "Biblical Model" of Corporal Punishment

Returning to the verses which are found in Proverbs, we will now consider the practical application commonly derived from their literal interpretation.

Popular Christian culture uses these verses to support corporal punishment of children. Numerous Christian parenting authors declare this practice to be not only acceptable, but biblically mandated. There is much hedging about only carrying out this corporal punishment in a "biblical manner". Typically, this "biblical method" of corporal punishment includes the following:

1. Spankings should only be administered on children between the ages of two and twelve.
2. Let the child knows that a spanking will be the consequence for disobedience. When said disobedience occurs, tell the child that you must now spank him in order to help him do better in the future. Be sure he knows why he is going to be spanked.
3. Never spank in anger. The spanking should be carried out in a calm and controlled manner.
4. Administer the spanking promptly. The spanking should be applied to the child's bottom. Use only an open hand so that you can be sure you are not spanking too hard or too soft (according to some); use only an implement so that the child will not fear your hand (according to others).
5. The child should be repentant and grateful after the spanking. If the child remains recalcitrant or cries for too long afterwards, another spanking should be administered.
6. After the spanking is over, reconcile with the child. Pray with him and reconnect through a hug.

With only minor variations, those Christian parenting authors who promote corporal punishment follow this general model, including Michael and Debi Pearl, Gary Ezzo, Tedd Tripp, James Dobson, Chip Ingram, Roy Lessin, Bill Gothard, and more.

Interestingly enough, this "biblical model" is nearly identical to the Spencer Spanking Plan. At first read, one would assume this was yet another set of instructions on child discipline...until reaching the part about wives and husbands. Yes, the Spencer Spanking Plan is in fact instructions for domestic discipline. It was drawn up by Mrs. Dorothy Spencer in the early 1900's and was never intended in any way to be used on children, and yet much of the "biblical model" is drawn directly from it.

The "Biblical Model" and the Rod Verses: Comparing and contrasting

Returning to the proverbs themselves, what would it look like to take them literally, at face-value, and how does that line up with this "biblical model" of physical chastisement? We will go through the "biblical model" step-by-step and examine these questions.

What the model says: 1. Spankings should only be administered on children between the ages of two and twelve.

What the rod verses say: Only strike young men.

The word "child" in these verses refer to a role ("offspring") rather than a particular age. The Hebrew word used in these verses is "na'ar" and is most frequently translated as "young man" throughout the Bible. While the "biblical model" typically recommends that parents stop spanking their children somewhere around 12 years old, the rod verses, if taken literally, would instruct a parent to begin physical chastisement at that age, likely as a last resort to bring a wayward son back in line for his soul's sake.

There is in the Law descriptions of grown men being beaten with a literal rod ("shebet"). Boundaries are given regarding the use of a rod on slaves. There is no such example anywhere in Scripture of a young child being likewise struck with a rod, nor are any instructions or boundaries given to ensure its judicious use.

What the model says: 2. Let the child knows that a spanking will be the consequence for disobedience. When said disobedience occurs, tell the child that you must now spank him in order to help him do better in the future. Be sure he knows why he is going to be spanked.

What the rod verses say: Nothing.

There is no reference to this step in any of the verses in question, nor can the "biblical model" be found anywhere in the Bible. Common sense would instruct a parent to be sure a child is aware of any consequences that will be applied as a result of their actions, but the verses themselves have nothing to say on the subject.

What the model says: 3. Never spank in anger. The spanking should be carried out in a calm and controlled manner.

What the rod verses say: Discipline promptly. If you beat him, he will not die.

There is no caveat in the "rod verses" for not spanking in anger. Proverbs 13:24 says only to discipline "promptly". Parenting can be challenging and frustrating; our natural human reaction towards a disobedient child is often at least some measure of anger. And yet no allowance is given for taking time to calm down before administering the rod; it is to be done "promptly".

Proverbs 23:13 assures the parent that the child will not die from the beating. In contrast, Exodus 21:12-27 is clear that a man can indeed die from being struck with a rod. Taking this proverb literally results in a clear contradiction in Scripture.

What the model says: 4. Administer the spanking promptly. The spanking should be applied to the child's bottom. Use only an open hand so that you can be sure you are not spanking too hard or too soft (according to some); use only an implement so that the child will not fear your hand (according to others).

What the rod verses say: Strike the back. Use a rod.

The buttocks is never mentioned in Proverbs. Other verses that refer to striking a grown person with a rod refer only to striking the back (Proverbs 10:13, Proverbs 26:3). There is no biblical backing for striking a child on the buttocks (and for very good reason).

Furthermore, if a rod is what the verses specify, then a rod is what must be used. There is no permission given to substitute the rod with a wooden spoon, paint stirrer, paddle, dowel, belt, strap, switch, plumbing line, glue stick, or hand. A rod ("shebet") is a long, thick stick; this word is used throughout Scripture to refer to a shepherd's staff, a king's scepter, or a tribe. Other Hebrew words, including matteh and choter, are used elsewhere to describe smaller or thinner rods, such as branches or twigs, but the word used in the rod verses is "shebet". This is what must be used if these verses are to be taken literally. (Incidentally, the use of any implement whatsoever when spanking a child is illegal in Canada.)

What the model says: 5. The child should be repentant and grateful after the spanking. If the child remains recalcitrant or cries for too long afterwards, another spanking should be administered.

What the rod verses say: Nothing.

Again, the rod verses are silent on this aspect of the "biblical model". Scripture, however, validates the presence of many emotions; Psalms is particularly rich in a variety of emotions.

The "biblical model", on the other hand, recognizes happiness as the only acceptable emotion in a child. In his book "Shepherding a Child’s Heart", Christian author Tedd Tripp instructs parents on how to respond if their child remains angry or distant after being spanked (emphasis added): "If your child is still angry, it’s time for another round. ‘Daddy has spanked you, but you are not sweet enough yet. We are going to have to go back upstairs for another spanking.’" Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21, however, quite apart from recommending that a child have his anger spanked out of him, would suggest that a father not provoke his child to such anger in the first place.

What the model says: 6. After the spanking is over, reconcile with the child. Pray with him and reconnect through a hug.

What the rod verses say: Nothing.

Once again, there is no support for this aspect of the "biblical model" in the rod verses. Logic would suggest that the ideas of "spanking in love" and "reconciling afterwards" would set a child up for a very unhealthy dynamic in future relationships, but the rod verses have nothing to say on the matter.

What the model suggests: Corporal punishment is God-sanctioned and God-mandated.

What the a literal interpretation of the rod verses says: Ignore the Gospel.

Just rip the whole New Testament right out of your Bible. Proverbs 23:14 clearly states that striking the child with a rod will save his soul from hell. There is no need for a Savior. God's grace through Jesus Christ is not required for salvation. You and your rod can take care of that yourself.

Now that Jesus is no longer part of the picture, we must return to a life under Law rather than under Grace. As the Law states, rebellious sons are to be stoned (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). This may be difficult for you as a parent to carry through with; however, the Bible demands it and we must be willing to do as God instructs.

Summary

After examining the "biblical model" of corporal punishment, we find no biblical support for any of the steps. The "rod verses" which are used to support this model are silent on most of the steps while contradicting others.

The "biblical model" instructs parents to promptly spank young disobedient children on the buttocks in love (not anger), using either the hand or another instrument, after which the child should be sorrowful and repentant (but not overly dramatic), at which point the parent and child should pray and reconnect with a loving hug.

The rod verses, conversely, if taken literally, instruct parents to strike a disobedient young man on the back with a long, thick rod, which will not kill him and which will bring about his salvation.

The "biblical model", while claiming to be a literal interpretation of the rod verses, neither teaches nor carries out these verses in a literal manner. Considering the vast difference between the "biblical model" and the rod verses, it may be wise to reconsider the meaning behind the rod imagery used in these verses. This will be explored in Part 3 of the series. The proverbs are full of wisdom and truth, and to insist upon a strictly literal interpretation (and pseudo-literal application) is to lose the rich meaning they hold.

Hana Williams: Another child "disciplined" to death

This Saturday will mark six months since the tragic death of thirteen-year-old Hana Grace Rose Williams, born Hana Alemu, who died at the hands of her adoptive parents Larry and Carri Williams.

Hana is the third in a string of deaths linked to the use of training methods outlined in Michael and Debi Pearl's book, "To Train Up a Child". The deaths of seven-year-old Lydia Schatz and four-year-old Sean Paddock were also attributed to the use of these teachings. The siblings of all three children were found to have been struck repeatedly with plumbing supply line, the tool recommended by the Pearls for "training" children as young as six months old.

Are the teachings in the Pearls' book inherently abusive? At first glance, perhaps not. They wrap their message up in pretty bows, encouraging parents to "tie strings" and develop mutual respect and trust. A cursory read-through by a well-meaning parent may raise only a few easily-ignored red flags. But what happens when these teachings are followed religiously and taken to their logical conclusion?

The horrifying affidavit filed after Hana's death paints precisely this picture. For months, Hana had been regularly beaten, denied food, forced to shower under cold water outside, locked in a dark closet, and permitted to use only the lavatory set up for her behind the barn. She ultimately succumbed to hypothermia when left outside in the rain. Her adopted brother had endured similar abuses, including being hosed down in cold water when his documented medical condition caused him to urinate in his pants.

The Pearls would deny that any such abusive actions had any relation to the teachings in their book. And yet according to the affidavit:

"Other forms of discipline taught in this book include cold water bathes to assist in toilet training or putting the children outside in the cold weather, having them miss meals and sleeping on the floor or outside as forms of punishment."

The book itself further substantiates these claims:

"So, my suggestion was that the father explain to the boy that, now that he was a man [at all of three years old], he would no longer be washed in the house. He was too big and too stinky to be cleaned by the babywipes. From now on, he would be washed outside with a garden hose. The child was not to be blamed. This was to be understood as just a progressive change in methods. The next dump, the father took him out and merrily, and might I say, carelessly, washed him off. What with the autumn chill and the cold well water, I don’t remember if it took a second washing or not, but, a week later, the father told me his son was now taking himself to the pot. The child weighed the alternatives and opted to change his lifestyle. Since then, several others have been the recipients of my meddling, and it usually takes no more than three cheerful washings."

"If a child doesn’t like what is on the table, let him do without until the next meal. A little fasting is good training."

"If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final."

"Use your own judgment as to what is effective. I found five to ten licks usually sufficient. Sometimes, with older children, usually when the licks are not forceful enough, the child may still be rebellious. If this occurs, take time to instruct and then continue the spanking. A general rule is to continue the disciplinary action until the child is surrendered."

Continue the disciplinary action until the child is surrendered...or dead.

After Lydia's death, Micheal released a statement saying that he "laughed at his caustic critics". A child is dead, and Michael laughs. He concludes his lengthy mocking statement with the following:

"Even my chickens are laughing...well, actually it is more like cackling, because they just laid another organic egg for my breakfast and they know that it was that same piece of ¼ inch plastic supply line that trained the dogs not to eat chicken."

To put this into perspective, consider author Stephen King's response when actual school shootings were linked to his book "Rage". Far from laughing, King expressed deep remorse and had the book pulled from further publication. That is the human, compassionate response to death. Michael Pearl laughed.

But there is hope. These deaths are not going unnoticed. As these children rest safely in the arms of their Heavenly Father, others are questioning the Pearls' methods. CNN recently a ran a two-part series on Michael Pearl and Lydia Schatz (Part 1 and Part 2), which was later followed up with their report Ungodly Discipline and interview Faith and Discipline after the death of Hana Williams. The New York Times has also reported on the Pearls and their role in Hana's death. Although the reports thus far have failed to truly unearth the severity of these teachings, they are a hopeful beginning.

Others are speaking out against the Pearls' abusive teachings as well:

• Why Not Train a Child has explored why blame the Pearls at all?, a question explored further in Part 2. The blog continues to follow the unfolding story and the many reactions it has elicited.
• Elizabeth Esther wrote about another dead child, the cognitive dissonance of "biblical" child-training, and why the Pearls must be held accountable.
• Free by His Grace has asked, Hana Williams: “Rebellion” or Reaction to Abuse?
• TulipGirl wrote about Hana Williams and the Pearls and parenting.
• A member of No Longer Quivering shared her own heartbreaking experience with using the Pearls' materials in her article Corpses Don't Rebel.
• Christianity Today writer Rachel Stone read the book for herself, discovering that the line between the Pearls’ “child training” and child abuse is blurry at best.

In memory of Hana, I will be devoting next week to a three-part exploration of the "rod verses" in Proverbs. While the issue at hand isn't limited to corporal punishment - even many who spank find the Pearls' teachings to be horrifying and cruel - it is the Pearls' twisted use of Scripture that so many supporters, both fervent and reluctant, hold out as evidence that what he teaches must be biblical. It is my hope that the idea of physical chastisement as a necessary, or even acceptable, part of "biblical" discipline will continue to be questioned by those who learn of the tragic results of such twisted theology.

As I've asked before: How many more? How many more children need to die before the teachings of the Pearls are seen for what they really are? How much longer will this needless abuse happen behind closed doors, not at the hands of monsters, but those of well-meaning, loving parents who have been taken in by the Pearls' promises of godly children? This is not a case of taking away nuggets of gold and leaving behind the small part that tends to the extreme - no, this is a case of digging through a garbage dump in hopes of finding one small fleck of gold. Perhaps the Pearls are all the more insidious for that very reason: for all their advice of "tying heartstrings", the practicality of carrying out what they put forth achieves anything but attachment.

Attachment Parenting: A Christian perspective

Today in our Attachment Parenting Series, we will be discussing Attachment Parenting from a Christian perspective. If you have written a post on faith as it relates to Attachment Parenting, please do share it with us in the comments below!

Introduction

We are our children's first picture of God. It is of utmost importance that the picture we give them is as accurate as our human selves can offer. This requires that we ourselves first have a holistic understanding of God’s character.

When reading Scripture, it is helpful to take note of the many descriptions of God’s character. These descriptions tell us how God interacts with His children, and we can use them as a model as we raise our own children in love and grace. While the details will be different for each family, an exploration of God’s character reveals a strong congruence with the underlying values of Attachment Parenting.

Three Truths

There are three distinct areas that support a relational, attachment-based style of parenting: God’s character, God’s design, and Christian instruction. We will explore each and its relation to Attachment Parenting below.

God’s character

God answers our cries (Jonah 2:2), draws us with loving-kindness (Jeremiah 31:3), and is slow to anger and rich in love (Psalm 145:8). He comforts us “as a mother comforts her child” (Isaiah 66:13) and has compassion on us “as a father has compassion on his children” (Psalm 103:13). His kindness leads us towards repentance (Romans 2:4).

We discover more of God’s character in the parable Jesus tells about the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). After the younger son squanders his wealth on wild living and prostitutes, he returns to his father, hungry and ashamed. Rather than chastise him, his father was filled with compassion for him. He ran to his son, threw his arms around him, kissed him, and called to the servants to prepare a celebratory feast.

The more we understand God’s character, the better we can present that picture of God to our children through our words and actions. We build their perception of God as we answer their cries, treat them with kindness, withhold our anger, lavish them with love, comfort them, have compassion on them, and celebrate them as a unique creation of God. Attachment Parenting encourages this responsive, wooing, relationship-based approach to raising our children.

God’s design

God created our babies, their cues, and our instinctive response to those cues. He gave us the hormones that facilitate bonding, the ability to nourish our babies through breastfeeding, and the means to naturally space our children through lactation induced amenorrhea.

By design, babies cry to signal their needs, and their mothers respond to that cry both physically (as their milk lets down) and psychologically (by wanting to pick up and comfort or nurse the child). Our babies feel safest when sleeping near their mothers, and mothers as well often sleep easier when their children are nearby. Babies thrive on touch, and a high-touch attachment relationship offers physiological and psychological benefits to both parent and child.

Breastfeeding imagery is used extensively in Scripture (see, for example, Isaiah 60:16, Isaiah 66:11, and Psalm 22:9). There is perhaps no place that should be more encouraging of this natural, God-designed practice than the church, and yet too often it is those within the church who hide nursing mothers in back rooms, holding fast instead to a misguided and misdirected notion of modesty. Breastfeeding is a mother's first foray into learning to read, trust, and respond to her child's cues. The infant, likewise, develops a strong emotional security as he learns to trust that his needs will be quickly and appropriately responded to. The more sensitive a mother becomes to her child's cues, the better the child becomes at giving those cues. This is the beginning of communication and connection between mother and child.

As connection grows, the mother/child relationship becomes increasingly natural and instinctive. The resulting mutual trust and sensitivity is the basis of the parent/child relationship and the foundation upon which future discipline will rely. The better the mother knows her child, and the more the child trusts his or her mother, the easier discipline will be as the child grows.

Each of the AP tools serves to strengthen that foundation, which will be built on with each passing year. (More about this in the next installment of the Attachment Parenting series, "Attachment Parenting: Beyond the baby years".) Not every family will use every tool or use them in the same way. It is the heart behind the tool – the desire to respond sensitively to our children’s needs and to seek ways to build and strengthen a mutually-trusting parent/child relationship – that is of true importance.

Christian instruction

Scripture offers many instructions for Christians on how to practically live out the commands to love God and to love our neighbour as ourselves. None of these instructions exclude children.

The Bible instructs us to comfort those who mourn, to feed those who are hungry, and to love the unlovely. We are instructed to be compassionate, to sacrifice, and to extend mercy to others. We are exhorted to be gentle and kind, building others up through our encouraging words. When we are walking in the Spirit and practically living out our faith, our lives will begin to bear the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

We circumvent the work of the Spirit when we accept a quick parenting fix in place of the sacrificial hard work involved in relational parenting, with its goal of heart-level change. This sort of convenience parenting – such as leaving an infant to cry alone, spanking a child, or yelling and punishing instead of guiding and teaching – serves the desires of flesh (ease, convenience, outward appearances). It may have short-term gains, but it fails to pay off in the long-term.

When we are living according to the Word, however, we will seek to apply these exhortations not only to other adults, but to our children as well. We will comfort them when they cry, feed them when they are hungry, and sacrifice sleep to meet their nighttime needs. We will be kind and gentle, speaking words of encouragement into their lives. We will guide them in grace and mercy. We will demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit to them rather than demand it from them. In all these things, whatever we do “for the least of these”, we do for Christ himself (Matthew 25:31-46).

Jesus told his disciples that “if anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.” He then took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking the child into his arms, he said to them, “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.” (Mark 9:33-37). We are called to a life of loving servanthood. To deny such service to a child is to refuse Christ himself.

God is love (1 John 4:8). Paul describes love in his first letter to the Corinthians:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Patience. Kindness. Humility. Slow to anger and quick to forgive. Protective and persevering. These must be the hallmarks of our love as demonstrated to our children. Attachment Parenting provides a holistic approach to demonstrating this love in the context of a healthy parent/child relationship.

Three Heresies

There are three heresies that have worked their way into much of the church, all of which serve to draw us away from a natural, instinctive approach to raising our children. These beliefs encourage a harsh, rule-based approach instead, often starting with newborn babies.

Our children must be punished for their sins

Jesus died for the sins of all, breaking death’s hold on us and opening the way for our restored relationship with God. To say that further punishment is required is to negate the message of the Gospel, and yet many of the big Christian authors will tell you that your child’s salvation depends on you punishing them. Punishment is considered the method of paying for their sin and removing the child’s guilt.

This is completely contrary to the message of the Gospel, which says that all of our sins have already been put to death by Christ on the cross. Punishing our child again takes away from that message. It says that what Christ has already done was not enough.

The idea that any parenting method can save a child is likewise contrary to the Gospel. Only the Holy Spirit can draw our children to Christ. Only Christ can save our children through faith. This faith is a gift of God, lest any man (or parent) should boast.

Moreover, punishment is often unrealistic, as we begin to demand more from our children than we expect from ourselves. We talk of God’s mercy, grace, patience, and kindness when speaking of ourselves; should we then demand perfect obedience from our children and punish them when they fail to achieve it? Our debt has been paid through Christ. We must be cautious, then, not turn around and demand payment from our children for their wrongdoings, lest we become as the unmerciful servant of which we were warned.

God punishes His children when they sin

Rather than saving them, punishment presents a distorted view of God to our children. God raises His children with grace and mercy, not punishment. In His love, He does allow us to experience the natural consequences of our actions, but He does not punish us or send us away from Him. Likewise, Jesus did not punish His disciples, but rather patiently taught them and guided them toward a fuller understanding of God.

The idea that God punishes His children is contrary to His grace. It further serves to negate the Gospel, suggesting that further punishment is needed on top of what Christ has already accomplished on the cross. We feel pain when we sin because we are walking apart from God and from His best for our lives. This pain is self-inflicted as we choose separation from His loving guidance. When we repent and turn back to God, He forgives us without first demanding repayment or inflicting punishment. We are called to offer this same generous forgiveness to those around us - including our children.

God is Love. God is good and merciful, the same then, now, and forevermore. It is a flawed understanding of His character that leads to delineation between the “wrathful” God of the Old Testament and the “merciful” God of the New Testament.

Some argue that God punishes His enemies, those who are evil and unrepentant. Our children are not our enemies and their childish antics are not evil. Even if that were not the case, we are instructed not to take revenge, nor to repay evil for evil, for the Lord is judge and it is His to avenge.

Rules and good behaviour produce Godly people

A strict focus on rules and behaviour suggests that what matters is our outward behaviour. Scripture tells us, however, that God looks at the heart. This misplaced focus also suggests that rules can keep us in line, and yet the Law proved otherwise – and “grace increased all the more” (Romans 5:20).

There often seems within the Christian community to be a hyper-focus on verses intended for others. In this case, many parents quote Ephesians 6:1 (“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right”), and yet ignore the verse directed towards parents that follows (“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and discipline of the Lord.”). It is not our place to make our children obey us; that verse contains an instruction for them, not for us. Rather, it is our duty to “bring them up in the training and discipline of the Lord”.

Indeed, we cannot make our children obey us. We can make them comply with our instructions, but true obedience comes from the heart. That sort of obedience can never be demanded from anyone. It arises from a relationship of love and trust. As parents who wish to assist our children in fulfilling that command, we must tenderly cultivate a mutually loving and trusting relationship with them, in order that out of that they may respond to us in true heartfelt obedience.

A proper understanding of child development enables parents to respond to their children in a helpful and understanding way. It allows parents to put aside the false notion that babies cry to manipulate rather than communicate, or that their child’s immature behaviours are sinful rather than normal (and ultimately healthy) developmental stages. With a solid understanding of age-expected behaviours in place, parents are able to actively and respectfully move their children from inappropriate behaviours to appropriate ones, guiding them towards what they should do rather than focusing on what they shouldn’t do.

There is no fear in love (1 John 4:18). You cannot beat a child into salvation. A child is not saved through a parent punishing him in order to "atone for his sin". A child is not saved by "being good". A child is saved through a relationship with Jesus Christ - nothing more, nothing less - and anything that suggests otherwise is outright heresy.

Summary

A child’s deepest understanding of God will be formed through their relationship with their parents. In order to ensure we model an accurate picture of God, we must first understand God’s character, design, and instructions for living.

God’s character is one of kindness, compassion, and love. God’s design encourages nearness and responsiveness. Christian instruction points us towards the sort of sacrificial love that leads to the fruit of the Spirit being evident in our lives.

Each of these three areas speaks to the heart of Attachment Parenting. Far more than merely the decision to breastfeed or co-sleep, Attachment Parenting encourages a responsive, relationship-based approach to raising our children. This is what an examination of Scripture calls us to, that we woo our children with kindness, guide them with gentleness, and respond sensitively to their needs. Attachment Parenting provides a holistic approach to demonstrating God’s love and grace to our children in the context of a healthy parent/child relationship.

There are three lies that serve to pull us away from this responsive, relational, instinctive style of parenting. First is the belief that our children must be punished for their wrongdoings. Similarly, next is the belief that God punishes His children for their sins. Last is the belief that rules and good behaviour produce Godly children. Each of these beliefs is contrary to the message of the Gospel, and each serves to suggest that what Christ accomplished on the cross was either insufficient or unnecessary for our salvation and the salvation of our children.

The wages of sin is death, separation from God. It was the sacrifice of Jesus that allowed restoration and reconciliation, opening the way to eternal life. Our children are saved through that relationship, not through punishment, good behaviour, or fear. God loves you, and He loves our children. We must be careful to treat them at all times as cherished creations of a Holy God.

Not every parent will choose to use all of the AP tools, nor choose to use them in the same way. It is not the specifics that are demanded of us, but rather the relational approach behind them. The more we understand God’s character, design, and instructions, the better we can determine the specifics in a way that is right for our family, with an understanding of the underlying heart and purpose: responding sensitively to our children’s needs and seeking ways to build and strengthen a mutually-trusting relationship with them.


“But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children.”
1 Thessalonians 2:7


Recommended Reading:

Parenting Freedom
Gentle Christian Mothers
The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson
The Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N.

The Hows of Discipline

It has been a long time since I posted my thoughts on punishment and praise. I have been meaning, for at least as long, to also post an entry on the more practical aspect - the hows.

It is a question I often receive in response to the idea of not using behaviour modification: "All of those whys are great, and I agree with them, but what about the practicalities, the specifics, the hows??" I get that. I really do. It's all well and good to delve into the myriad of reasons for avoiding punishment and praise...but then what? What can be done instead?

There is no easy answer to that. Each child, each parent, each family, each situation - they're all different. There is no formula, no prescription, no step-by-step manual, no guarantees. That is where so many of the big parenting "experts" fail - "if you just follow our method, and only our method, we guarantee you'll end up with well-behaved children."

Now, that assumes that "well-behaved" is the be all and end all of successful parenting...but I'll try to stay on track. We're dealing with the "hows" today.

I can only share tools that we have found useful in our family. They may not work for you. You may have tools that you have found particularly effective - please share them in the comments! The more tools we have, the better we can parent in a positive, proactive, and connective manner. The less we have, the more we find ourselves merely reacting to the situations our children inevitably throw our way.

First, the whole mindset for many of us needs to be completely shifted. Many, many times I hear parents looking for alternatives to punishment. "Well, if I can't punish, what can I do to deter her from doing that again?" "If the natural or logical consequence isn't unpleasant enough, how is it going to discourage that behaviour from recurring?"

We're not looking for punishment "replacements". We're not looking for consequences to teach them not to do that again. We're turning the whole thing around. We are teaching, guiding, discipling. It's hard to step out of that behaviour modification mindset. It is so ingrained in our society. Punish wrongdoing, praise good deeds, and behaviours will be appropriately modified as a result - that sort of external focus is what we want to leave behind. Instead, we want to teach our children. Not "teach them a lesson" - but actually teach them what to do.

Second, this way isn't easier. It doesn't provide any easy answers, either. It is easy to use external motivation to direct a child's external actions. We're looking deeper here. We're looking for heart-level connection, for internal motivation, for true obedience above outward compliance. It will involve patience, active parenting, and proactive measures. And it will require as its source a strong parent-child relationship based on mutual love, trust, and respect.

With those two things in mind, let's move on to the hows. These are some tools that have been working for us - not an exhaustive list by any means, but a reasonably good covering of the main ones.

Connect with your Child

None of this can be accomplished without the foundation of a strong, mutually-trusting relationship between parent and child. This relationship begins to develop from birth, as the mother responds to her child's cries and nurtures the bond between them.

Some of the things we do to strengthen that connection right from birth include gentle birth choices, nursing on demand, babywearing, and co-sleeping. As they get older, we connect through one-on-one times, special "just the two of us" outings, lots of reading, a constant flow of conversation, and physical touch (snuggles, hugs, wrestling, and games of chase). Physical touch remains important throughout the years - even a simple hand on a teen's shoulder can reinforce the parent-child connection. Talking, too, remains a priority, and listening even more so. Finally, we also work to avoid those things which would undermine our connection and relationship with our children - things like physical or punitive discipline, power struggles, and shaming. I'd love for you to share some of your methods of connection, too.

With that relationship securely in place, the child will look to the parent for cues on appropriate behaviour. The parent can model this behaviour from the beginning. Model "please", "thank you", and other such manners. Model non-violent conflict resolution. Model healthy boundaries. Model good decision making in all areas of life (time resolution, nutrition, etc), and narrate that process out loud for the child to overhear.

Be Engaged and Consistent

You can't parent from the couch (or the computer chair). Responding appropriately to a situation will often require that I get up and actively intervene. This is particularly important with young children. They need to know that my words mean something. What I say is not optional.

To make this happen, there are three things to keep in mind:

• Stay calm. You are the adult. You are in control of your feelings and reactions. Do not give that power to your children by allowing their behaviour to influence your own feelings.
• Speak at a normal volume. Yelling suggests to children that they don't need to pay attention to your words unless and until you yell.
• Give the instruction once, repeat it with an offer of help, and then get up to help the child follow through if they haven't already. A long string of warnings, threats, badgerings, and pleadings tells a child that they don't need to listen to you the first time. Don't say something if you are unable or unprepared to back it up with action.

Consistency is key. Words must be consistently followed up with action.

Now, that isn't to say that I expect my children to jump the second I say so. Sometimes a child is in the middle of something and will request a few moments to finish up before putting it away. It is not permissive to respect that request when possible. This is where I find five minute warnings to be useful in helping a child prepare for an upcoming transition. If it is time to leave a fun activity, the opportunity to say good-bye provides a feeling of closure.

But the overall idea is one of consistently ensuring that my words are taken seriously. One calm instruction followed by one repeat with an offer of help followed by getting up to assist the child in carrying the instruction out. This is particularly important with very young children, as it will prevent the need for such "hands on" parenting when they are older. Once they know I mean what I say, they know.

(You can read more about this concept at Get Off Your Butt Parenting.)

Be Proactive

After consistency, prevention is the biggest thing I can do to ensure my child is able to function at his best. Adequate nutrition and sleep help to set a child up for success throughout the day. The extremes of boredom on one end and over-stimulation on the other are avoided whenever possible. Our ideal is to provide access to a wide variety of activities coupled with as much outdoor time as possible, while avoiding the trap of cramming too many structured activities, events, or errands into one day.

Along those lines, it is important to look to the root of the problem when difficulties arise. Is he hungry? Tired? Lonely? I will solve those issues first (snack, rest, focused attention), and discuss the behaviour itself at a later time when we're both feeling calm. Those calm times are ideal moments to equip our children with the tools they need to handle those feelings in more tumultuous times.

Be Silly

Playful parenting is a great way to coax a resistant child into cooperation. It often breaks the tension and allows the parent to reconnect with the child. It keeps the environment fun, light-hearted and silly. Play can be used to help a child work through their feelings. It can also be a great stress reliever and a reminder not to take things too seriously.

I recall a time, for example, when my frustrated toddler huffed at me. I could have lectured him about manners. I could have sent him to his room to rest until he was feeling more cheerful. If I believed in using violence in parenting, I could have spanked his bottom. Or...I could have huffed back at him. So I did. And he huffed back at me. And I huffed back at him. Soon we were huffing back and forth through a fit of giggles, and both of us were able to cheerfully carry on with our day.

A three week visit to Grandma and Grandpa's house resulted in another perfect example of playful parenting. As was to be expected, the boy was getting a bit grumpy by the end of the visit - a different environment, a different routine, different food, lots of people, and so on. I was sitting at the table with him one evening trying to hold on to my last shred of patience as I dealt with him heading towards a meltdown. Noticing this, his grandpa stepped in to help.

"Do I have to bring out my grumpy monster? This is my grumpy monster (holds up his hand) and he eats grumpies! Yum yum yum yum yum!"

The boy dissolved into a fit of giggles as his grandpa used his "grumpy monster" to eat/tickle him. It was a wonderful example of my dad using playful (grand)parenting to circumvent what would almost surely have been a complete meltdown in another minute or two.

Avoid Power Struggles

There are situations that warrant explanation and situations where brevity is in everyone's best interest. As always, it is important to know your child. Typically, I will give my child a brief reason for my requests. This allows a child to develop an understanding of why he should make that decision, rather than an unhelpful "because I said so". My goal is to teach my child how to think, not merely what to think.

However, there are many times when engaging with a child will unnecessarily escalate the situation, times when he is simply tired, grumpy, and not at all in a place to accept any explanation. At those times, my responses will be very brief and matter-of-fact. There's no need to dwell on the situation or attempt to convince the child through long explanations. I will not engage in a back and forth yes!-no!-yes!-no! power struggle with a child, nor will I enforce my instructions with yelling or hitting. Doing so will only undermine my authority as a parent. Remaining calm and to-the-point, I will simply answer and move on. "No, you may not keep your light on. Here is your nightlight. Which CD do you want to listen to?"

Redirection comes into play here as well, particularly with older babies and toddlers. "You may not play with that. Here is this for you to play with." I do not dwell or engage, I simply state my instruction and move on, redirecting the child to an appropriate activity.

When the situation warrants it, I will reflect my child's feelings back to him and, if needed, offer help in expressing those feelings in a healthy, appropriate, and acceptable manner.

Seek Solutions

Sometimes wrongdoings will be done. When that happens, we look for solutions, not punishments. Children grow in maturity and responsibility when they are given the opportunity to fix their mistakes. Punishment actually takes this opportunity away from them.

How this plays out in our home varies depending on the situation. It typically involves making restitution to the wronged party. I will assist him in brainstorming what this restitution may look like, but the bulk of the responsibility (and, of course, increasingly so as he gets older) rests on his shoulders. "You hurt the baby. What can you do to help him feel better?"

There must also be an acceptance of the fact that children are by their very nature not yet mature. They will require repetition in order to form healthy habits. "Try again" is a very common phrase in our home, as a reminder that what they just said was unacceptable and an opportunity for them to restate things in a more appropriate manner.

Safety

Because dangerous situations are often singled out as the situation in which punitive measures are justified or warranted, I wanted to touch on this area separately.

I do not want to spank my child for running into traffic, only to later have him run in the opposite direction from my call, fearing another spank. It is my responsibility to keep my child safe, not his.

I have found that a sharp surprised tone conveys enough "this is absolutely serious" that my child will at least hesitate, allowing me to intervene. I reserve that tone only for situations in which safety is a concern - ovens, fire, traffic, and the like. I do not believe that violence towards children is ever warranted or acceptable.

Final Thoughts

Discipline is the continuous process of coming alongside the child to teach and guide them into maturity. The idea always is to teach, not punish. This cannot happen in the absence of a healthy, attached relationship between parent and child. With that relationship in place and moments of reconnection continually sought out, we must then be engaged, consistent, and proactive in our parenting. When an issue arises, discipline will show the child what they have done wrong, give them ownership of the problem, give them options for solving the problem, and make use of natural or logical consequences rather than punishment.

Some days we may allow life to get the better of us, snapping at our children or scolding them unnecessarily. This is where it is important that they see humility modeled for them as we come to them and admit we were wrong, sincerely apologize, and ask their forgiveness.

Above all, we must recognise and honour the unique nature of each child, guiding them towards maturity with love and grace.

Additional Resources:
Gentle Discipline for Babies
Gentle Discipline for Toddlers
Attachment Parenting Series

What has been working for you? What situations are you struggling with at the moment? Let's brainstorm positive solutions together!