Creative ways to say "no" to young children

As parents, we try to look for ways to say "yes" to our child's requests, allowing them to explore their world and develop their independence. Often, however, our answer must be either "no" or "not yet". When declining or postponing a young child's request, whether because we are unavailable at the moment or because the request itself is unacceptable in some manner, there are a variety of ways to get the message across without a direct "no".

These variations acknowledge the child's requests, validate their desires and emotions, and give them a clear picture of what options are open to them. Because the focus is on acknowledgement and positive phrasing, the child is likely to be more receptive to the response and less likely to experience overwhelming emotions and melt down as they otherwise might in the face of a simple "no".

Using age-appropriate phrasing, consider the following alternatives:

Timing

The answer to the request may be yes, but perhaps that exact moment is not the best time. In that case, postpone the request using a variation of the following phrases:

When...then...

"When your pajamas are on, then we can read a story."

Yes, after ___.

"Yes, we can go to the park after your toys are back in their basket."

I can help you with that after ___.

"I will get you a glass of milk after I finish washing these pots."

Right now I am ___. Would you like to join/help me?

"Right now I am doing the laundry. Would you like to put this shirt into the washing machine for me?"

Wish Fulfillment

Sometimes a child's request cannot be accommodated. It might sound like a great idea to the child, but it's simply not going to happen. Try wish fulfillment, a form of playful parenting, to acknowledge your child's desires:

That would be fun, wouldn't it? Let's try ___ instead.

"It would be fun to paint the dog. She would be so colourful! I don't think she'd like it very much though. Let's collect some rocks and paint them instead."

I wish we could ___, and then _[expand on fantasy]_! How about we _[more acceptable activity]_?

"You want ice cream right now? I wish we could too! I'd put cherries and chocolate sauce on mine. What colour of sprinkles would you put on yours? Wow, that sounds delicious. Talking about food is making me feel so hungry. Dinner is nearly ready, so let's set the table together."

Redirection and Distraction

While aspects of redirection and distraction can be found in the above phrasing, these approaches are useful in their own right. Here the focus is on avoiding power-struggles through simple observation followed by providing acceptable options:

"You may not play with Mommy's book. Here is one of yours."

"It is time for Quiet Time. Which CD would you like to listen to?"

"I see that you are spitting. You may go spit in the sink. When you are done, would you like to read a book with me?"

Additional Resources

Of course, this is only one tool for use in one particular scenario. Taking "no" out of the equation helps to side-step a power-struggle with a small child, but it holds no guarantees; meltdowns and tantrums happen during this time of development when young children are learning how to express and work through their emotions. When the situation warrants it, reflect the child's feelings back to him and, if needed, offer help in expressing those feelings in a healthy, appropriate, and acceptable manner.

For further reading as it relates to the gentle discipline of young children, check out these additional resources:

The Hows of Discipline
Ten Alternatives to Time-Out
Gentle Discipline for Toddlers

"The Gentle Parent" Book Review

This post is part of the Virtual Book Tour for the launch of L.R.Knost's newest release, The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline. Click here if you’d like to check out the other stops on the tour!
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"It is in the ordinary moments of life itself that you are building your relationship with your child, and it is in those moments that you decide whether your relationship will be built on control and correction or built on trust and connection."

From the author of Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle parenting through the ages and stages and Whispers Through Time: Communication through the ages and stages of childhood comes a third book in the Little Hearts Handbook series: The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline.

Like its predecessors, The Gentle Parent is concise and to-the-point. This slim book contains 30 short chapters, making it an easy read for busy parents.

Don't mistake its brevity for lack of content, however. The Gentle Parent is filled with practical steps, tips, and scripts to round out the "why's" of gentle discipline with nice solid "how's".

This comprehensive look at gentle discipline carries the reader from the beginning stages through to the teenage years and beyond. Following an introduction on the problem with punishment, the next five chapters look at the importance of setting a solid foundation in the baby years. The author then moves on to the toddler stage, with eight chapters covering everything from tantrums to biting to boundary testing. This section also explores the consequences of spanking, shaming, threatening, manipulating, and yelling at children.

The next six chapters cover the preschool years, including a chapter on parenting strong-willed children. This is followed by five chapters on middle childhood. The book concludes with five chapters the discuss the adolescent years, including some insight into the root of violence and bullying in our society.

There are also three appendices, covering lying, backtalk, and a twelve-step approach for parents who wish to work toward a more gentle style of parenting.

The entirety of this book is girded with the three C's of gentle discipline: Connection, Communication, and Cooperation. Both new and seasoned gentle parents will find it a worthy resource.


Gentle Parenting Workshop (and a freebie!)

The author of the Little Hearts Handbook series has also just released the first in a new Gentle Parenting Workshop series. The Gentle Parenting Workshops are companions to her Little Hearts Handbook series. The first workshop in the series, Gentle Parenting Workshop 1: Getting Started on Your Gentle Journey, will help you set your gentle parenting goals, identify specific parenting problems, and target practical solutions to help you along on your journey to gentle parenting.

This workshop will be free to download on Kindle on the last day of the book tour, Sunday, November 10th, so be prepared to snap up that offer tomorrow!


About the Author

Best-selling parenting and children’s book author and mother of six, L.R.Knost, is an independent child development researcher and founder and director of the advocacy and consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources. Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages and Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood are the first in her Little Hearts Handbooks series of parenting guides. The newest book in the series, The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline was just released on November 1, 2013. Other works by this award-winning author include the children's picture books Petey’s Listening Ears, and the soon-to-be-released Grumpykins series for ages 2 to 6, which are humorous and engaging tools for parents, teachers, and caregivers to use in implementing gentle parenting techniques in their homes and schools.

What Attachment Parenting is Not

Today in our Attachment Parenting Series, we will be discussing four of the most prevalent misconceptions of Attachment Parenting. If you have written a post on Attachment Parenting misconceptions, please do share it with us in the comments below!

Introduction

Many objections to Attachment Parenting come from one of four common misunderstandings of the philosophy. Before exploring each of these misconceptions, we will begin with a brief review of what Attachment Parenting is.

At its core, Attachment Parenting (AP) is the promotion of a responsive, relationship-based approach to raising children. It encourages the parent to respond sensitively to their child's needs, seeking ways to build and strengthen a mutually-trusting parent/child relationship. The specifics and application of AP principles will vary according to the unique needs of the individual family.

With that basic understanding in mind, we will move on to what Attachment Parenting is not.

Attachment Parenting is not permissive parenting

Permissive parenting is characterized by low behavioural expectations coupled with a failure to follow through with enforcing healthy boundaries for the child. This lack of healthy boundaries is most commonly due to an unwillingness or perceived inability to deal with the child's feelings and their negative expressions of those feelings. However, children thrive best within a framework of healthy boundaries. Without these limits, the child will act out in search of them, seeking their safety and predictability.

Another form of permissive parenting disguises itself as punitive parenting. Rather than calmly and consistently enforcing age-appropriate boundaries, this style of permissive parent allows the child to repeatedly overstep boundaries until the parent explodes with frustration and overreacts, coming down strong to get the child's behaviour back in line. This inconsistency is confusing for the child.

Attachment Parenting, conversely, seeks to gently and consistently enforce developmentally-appropriate expectations for the child. While the primary focus of AP is a strong parent/child bond, this bond is not achieved through indulgence or a lack of healthy boundaries and expectations. AP decries punitive methods of discipline, embracing instead a form of positive discipline that relies on teaching and problem solving rather than punishing. It does not, however, reject discipline altogether.

Likewise, AP does not seek to prevent the child from ever feeling strong negative emotions or from expressing those emotions. It does, however, provide the child with both a nurturing response to those feelings along with the tools required to cope with and express those feelings in a healthy and socially acceptable manner.

Attachment Parenting is not helicopter parenting

Also known as "smothering" or "overparenting", helicopter parenting demonstrates an unwillingness or inability to step back and allow the child to develop independence and self-reliance and, along with that, to experience challenges and failure. Although the motivation of helicopter parenting is often love, concern, and good intentions, it typically arises from a place of fear within the parent.

Attachment Parenting, conversely, affirms healthy, age-appropriate independence. It is precisely the trust and security of the strong parent/child relationship that provides the child with the confidence to grow into an emotionally healthy individual. Early attachment fosters healthy independence.

Because AP develops a strong cue/response cycle from infancy, parents are deeply attuned to their child, including the child's strengths and weaknesses. With that knowledge, the parent can encourage the former and work to build the latter. The child, meanwhile, has been assured since birth that his needs and requests will be appropriately responded to, thereby giving him the security and confidence he needs to explore the world in an increasingly greater depth and breadth. By providing the child with a safe home base from which they can explore the world, AP is more compatible with a (common-sense, child-appropriate) free-range style of parenting than it is with helicopter parenting.

Attachment Parenting is not child-centered

Child-centered parenting is a combination of permissive and helicopter parenting. As with permissive parenting, the child's desires are catered to in order to prevent any negative feelings or expressions of those feelings. As with helicopter parenting, the child is routinely rescued from all potential challenges, failures, or consequences. The child is the center and focus of the home.

Child-centered parenting can be a common downfall for the AP parent who, having acknowledged that a baby's needs and wants are very much the same thing and being accustomed to meeting their baby's needs in a sensitive and responsive manner, carries the same attitude over into the toddler and older years. Even though the child's wants and needs are no longer one and the same, the parent continues to act as though they are.

Attachment Parenting, however, is not child-centered, but rather family-centered. AP affirms the child as worthy of respect as a person in their own right, but likewise the parents' needs are acknowledged and respected as well. The parent is neither martyr nor tyrant in this scenario. A family-centered approach develops in the child an awareness of the needs of others, as well as respect for others' property and boundaries. AP also affirms a functioning support network of family and friends, with children benefiting from developing healthy relationships with other individuals of all ages.

One of the primary principles of AP is balance, without which the practice is unsustainable. This balance should be present with the child (attentiveness without indulgence), with the partner (meeting the needs of the relationship without neglecting the needs of the child), and within the parent (meeting the needs of the individual). Failing to validate and meet, as far as possible, the needs of all members of the family will quickly lead to resentment, exhaustion, and burnout.

Attachment Parenting is not (necessarily) Natural Parenting

Natural Parenting (NP) is a philosophy which seeks a natural and holistic approach to health, diet, education, ecological footprint, and general lifestyle as it relates to family life. Most definitions of NP also include AP, while other definitions focus solely on the health and ecological aspects with no effect on the parent's level of responsiveness or attachment to the child. In such cases when NP is defined as including AP, the values of AP would line up with NP, but not all aspects of NP would be related to AP. In that sense, NP would be a wider umbrella definition, with AP falling under it.

Although the two philosophies often overlap, the core focuses and goals of NP and AP are different. NP may promote breastfeeding, for example, because it is the biologically normative way of feeding an infant and has the lowest ecological impact. AP, on the other hand, would encourage breastfeeding as one of many tools that strengthen the mother/child bond and develop the healthy cue/response cycle that leads to greater communication and connection between the pair.

Despite this overlap, NP is not a requirement of AP. While NP may encourage a parent to use cloth diapers for ecological, financial, and health reasons, AP would have nothing to say on the topic, as the type of diaper used on a child has no bearing on the attachment relationship. Likewise with other such NP-related topics as organic food, natural materials, vaccinations, and philosophy of healthcare.

While there is value in NP ideologies, the distinction remains important for those parents who may be drawn to AP, but eschew it instead because they have no desire to live what is colloquially referred to as a "crunchy" lifestyle. Such parents should be assured that it is entirely possible to embrace an AP philosophy without also taking on a natural/"crunchy" way of living.

Summary

The heart of AP is rooted in a strong parent/child relationship. From the mutual trust and respect that arise from this relationship, the parent comes along side the child to teach and guide them to maturity. AP encourages both parental guidance on the one hand and child-appropriate freedom on the other.

There are parents who affirm an AP method of child-rearing and yet also parent in a permissive, smothering, or child-centered manner. However, AP itself affirms none of these practices. Permissive parenting lacks the enforcement of age-appropriate boundaries, smothering lacks the natural development of healthy independence, and child-centered parenting neglects to balance the needs of others with the needs of the child.

AP is incompatible with the above parenting practices. It is, not, however, incompatible with Natural Parenting. The misconception arises when AP is mistakenly understood to require a natural lifestyle. While most natural parents embrace AP, and many attachment parents embrace NP, neither one requires nor depends on the other. It is entirely possible to parent in an AP manner without embracing the "crunchy" NP lifestyle as well.


Recommended Reading:

The Attachment Parenting Book by William and Martha Sears
Where's My Center?: A closer look at child-centered parenting and the continuum concept by Scott Noelle

Asking the right questions

I am the goal-oriented product of a goal-oriented society. I ask questions the focus on achievements, outcomes, accomplishments. I ask how I can get what I want, how I can improve my surroundings, how I can make things happen. Good things. Worthy things.

But on their own, they are the wrong questions.

They all focus on the end, but the end cannot be the foremost consideration. Too often I have witnessed - in the world and in myself - the goal becoming the Good Thing, and anything that aids in achieving that goal must also be a Good Thing. So very many things are justified in the name of attaining that Good Thing.

Parenting for Results

The principle applies universally, but I am a mother and I have a habit of seeing everything through that role. As a mother, I see all the ways in which we, too, focus on the wrong questions.

How can I make her listen to me?
How can I get him to do what I want?
How can I make her stop doing that?
How can I keep them safe?
How can I ensure my children Turn Out Right?

Their focus is on the end, achieving a goal, making something happen, and on their own they are insufficient.

Sometimes it is our own human weaknesses that most clearly illustrate the insufficiency of these questions. We want them to obey! now! and so we yell because it is effective and we don't have the time, energy, or patience to do the harder work of teaching and guiding. We focus on our desires and lose sight of what we believe to be true. These days do not define us, but they happen and we apologize and we try again tomorrow.

Other times, however, the insufficiency of these questions is demonstrated through deliberation rather than a slip-up in a moment of weakness. Entire parenting paradigms are built around the idea of goal attainment, promising children that grow up to be productive citizens or God-fearing adults or responsible or hard-working or whatever it is that we want to hear.

Perhaps even worse, these promises are often cloaked in religion, and there is always the looming threat that failure means the loss of our children's very souls. With that end, what means could possibly be worse? It is upon that question that many of those who call themselves Christian parenting experts build their kingdoms. Follow these biblical instructions and you too can be guaranteed to raise a godly child. We are assured we can raise them to righteous through these instructions, usually centered on a "biblical model" of corporal punishment, yet ultimately amounting to nothing more than moralistic behaviour modification.

There are no promises in parenting. If we could parent our children into God's good graces, they would have no need of Christ in their lives. We cannot presume to be able to do the work of the Holy Spirit; our children are as human as we are and will need God's beautiful redemptive grace as much as we ourselves do. Nothing is gained by making obedience the goal of our parenting.

If we parent with the belief that things will add up as we expect, we will be disappointed. There is no guarantee that good parenting will produce the desired results, religious or not. We must parent not for their obedience, but rather out of our own obedience.

And therein lies the question.

Asking the Right Questions

Whatever our goals, whatever our desires, however noble our purposes, there is one question that must accompany them all: Are my actions the right actions?

Not the goal. My actions. Are they good? Not will it work, but is it right?

In so many other words,
Is this the right choice in this moment?
Does this decision line up with my values?
Am I faithfully doing what I should be doing?
Am I, right now, bringing glory to my Creator?

Many things will achieve my goals, but far fewer things are Good and Right.

Goals are good. They give us direction for the journey. But when the question of how to achieve them becomes the ultimate question, we too easily lose perspective. Those questions must always be balanced by that one question, is this right?

My ultimate desire is to bring glory to God, as a person, as a parent, in whatever role I find myself at any particular time. Is this action going to please and glorify my Creator? Maybe your question will be different, not God but peace or love or freedom or kindness or non-violence or whatever your ultimate value is. But underneath it all, however we word it, whatever the ultimate motive is, the question must always focus on our own actions.

I cannot control others. I cannot guarantee outcomes. But I can always control myself, can consider my own actions, my own reactions, my choices along the way.

Likewise, I cannot control my children. I cannot guarantee that they will Turn Out Right. But I can control my actions and reactions, letting those be lessons that teach them about life.

This is the principle that ultimately guides my parenting. It is why we respond to our children's cries, speak to them with kindness, respect their individual needs, extend them grace, seek solutions rather than punishments, and apologize when we mess up. It is why we ultimately seek to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit to them rather than demand it from them. We ask not will it work, but is it right?

Beyond Parenthood

The same principle applies throughout our lives: our marriages, our relationships, our workplaces, our churches, everything. Regardless of roles or desired outcomes or anything else, the question of how to accomplish our goals must always be coupled with the question of is this action, right now, the right action in these circumstances?

The question is not how can I make my spouse do what I want, but how can I act and react in a way that lines up with my values? Not how can we grow our church, but how can we live faithful lives today? Not how can we get promoted, but how can we love and serve where we are? Not how can we make things easier, but how can we behave honourably in these circumstances?

With that question foremost in our minds, the rest often falls into place behind it. But even if it does not - there are no guarantees - at least we have lived well and without regret, having considered the rightness of our actions ahead of the achievement of our goals.

Gentle Discipline Basics: Teaching Skills

While punishment and praise may be effective as a means of modifying a child's external behaviour, gentle discipline seeks to provide children with the tools they need to better manage the situation in the future. One of the primary methods of doing so is placing the focus on teaching the child what to do rather than imposing a punishment for what was already done.

This idea of teaching skills applies throughout childhood. For example:

• babies can be taught to touch gently rather than hitting,
• toddlers can be taught how to express and work through their big emotions rather than being sent for a time-out, and
• children can be taught the skills of conflict resolution and making amends rather than having an arbitrary privilege removed as punishment after an altercation.

These future-oriented solutions provide the child with skills that will be used throughout and beyond childhood. The focus is on developing the child's own internal control rather than on managing behaviour through external control, thereby assisting the child in navigating life in a way that keeps their dignity intact.

This often requires that the parent first reframe their own view of their children. Rather than viewing their behaviour as "naughty", "bad", or "defiant", accept that they are immature beings who have yet to learn the skills necessary to handle the situation in a more socially-acceptable manner. Once that perspective is in place, we can move on to providing them with those skills in a respectful and consistent manner.

Teach emotional awareness

The first step in teaching skills is to give the child the words needed to name their feelings as well as the tools needed to handle, rather than suppress, those challenging emotions. Reflect their feelings and give names to them while describing what you see. As they get older, encourage them to use these phrases themselves, coupled with other healthy and appropriate means of expressing and working through their feelings.

Look for the need behind the action or the cause behind the behaviour. Can an acceptable alternative be offered, allowing the parent to say "yes" to the driving need instead of "no" to the action? Can the root cause behind the behaviour be solved, such as a nap, snack, or moment of reconnection? As the child grows, a healthy emotional self-awareness will allow them to recognize these driving needs for themselves.

Use scripts

Expanding on the idea of providing children with the necessary vocabulary to name their feelings, the use of scripts provides children with a more appropriate way of making their needs known. Scripts are simple sentences provided by the parent that rephrase the child's less acceptable way of expressing themselves. The scripts will increase in complexity along with the child's verbal abilities.

In the beginning stages, the parent will simply state the script while carrying out the action. Eventually, the child will be prompted to repeat the script. In time, the prompting will become a requirement, where, for example, a request will not be carried out until it is restated in a polite manner. In its final stages, a simple reminder will be offered.

There must be an acceptance of the fact that children will require repetition in order to form healthy habits. "Try again" is a useful phrase to use as a reminder that what the child just said was unacceptable, providing them with an opportunity to restate things in a more appropriate manner.

Provide alternative actions

While scripts provide children with alternative phrases, they will need to be provided with alternative actions as well. Instead of focusing on what they shouldn't do, teach children what they should do. Show them better alternatives to undesirable actions, and be calm and consistent in enforcing the alternative. As the child grows, involve them in brainstorming these alternatives and putting them into place going forward.

Give them ownership over the situation

Children grow in maturity and responsibility when they are given ownership over the situation. Depending on the specifics, this may involve fixing the resulting problem, making restitution to the wronged party, seeking reconciliation, or determining a better course of action for the future. This acknowledges the wrongdoing but then shifts the focus away from the mistake and places it instead on finding a solution, thereby empowering the child and allowing them to develop their own sense of inner discipline. Punishment, which requires the child to pay an arbitrary penalty of some form in order to deter the behaviour from being repeated, removes this problem-solving opportunity and leaves the child feeling powerless.

Brainstorm with the child what this restitution may look like, but leave the bulk of the responsibility (increasingly so as they get older) on their shoulders. The parent is there to guide, advise, and support the child, but not to rescue them or punish them.

Giving the child ownership over the situation allows the child to acknowledge their mistakes, accept responsibility for finding a solution, and develop the capabilities to then put their plan into action - not out of fear of punishment, but rather because doing so is the respectful and compassionate course of action.

Model appropriate behaviours

Children learn what they live. The way we treat our children becomes the basis upon which they view themselves and interact with others. When a parent seeks primarily to control the child, the child learns both to be controlled and to control others. Alternatively, when a parent treats the child with respect and grace, the child learns to treat others in a similar manner and to refuse to allow others to treat them poorly.

Children also learn from the way we treat others and the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Lead by example, modelling essential life skills and appropriate behaviour: respectful manners, non-violent conflict resolution, healthy boundaries, emotional awareness, time management skills, and more. Model humility through sincere apologies when a difficult moment has gotten the better of you. Model careful decision making and problem solving by narrating the processes out loud for the child to overhear.

Summary

Each of the above will need to be modified according to the age, stage, and personality of the individual child, but the basic principles remain the same throughout. Teach the child healthy emotional awareness, appropriate ways of expressing themselves, and acceptable alternatives to undesirable actions. Increasingly guide them to a place where they can acknowledge their mistakes and take ownership over correcting the situation. Finally, model those same healthy and appropriate behaviours in the way you treat the child, the way you treat others, and the way you allow others to treat you.'

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting. We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis.


We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week. Please stop by and enter to win!

This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

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Habit replacement

This being my year of presence and habit, the two ideas are rarely far from my thoughts. Am I being fully present in this moment? Is this a habit I want to allow to develop in my life? This steady self-evaluation shapes my days and interactions as I continue my journey towards a more intentional life.

In the bigger picture, I hold these concepts up against our family life as well, seeking that same habitual presence on this more general level. It is a constant refrain in my parenting, too. Children, being children, seem to have a beautifully inspiring ability to always be fully present in whatever they are doing. Habits, on the other hand, have a tendency to require more intentional guidance and cultivation.

These two concepts came to an interesting head recently in our household. Our oldest has, like other children, that delightful ability to be entirely consumed in whatever he is doing at the moment. It was becoming more difficult, however, to briefly gain his attention in order to speak with him (to alert him to an upcoming transition, to make a request, and so on).

Because he would frequently not respond to my statements or requests, I, assuming he hadn't heard me, would repeat myself. Annoyed, he would tell me he had heard me the first time and why was I telling him again? Equally annoyed, I would (quite shamefully) snap at him about responding to me if that was the case. We had both fallen into a bad pattern and it needed to be changed.

Recognizing a problem, I sought a solution. After sitting down to discuss both the problem and potential solutions with him, I gently began working on a new habit: respond when someone speaks to you.

The habit is as simple and straightforward as that. It is not the content of the response that concerns me, but rather the acknowledgement that something was said in the first place. He knows that he is welcome to let me know that he is in the middle of something and will do as I've asked when he is finished; he is always free to negotiate; he may even choose to make the wrong decision and learn from that in the safety of a loving family and during this time when the stakes are still low.

Sometimes my request is both urgent and important, but when possible, we work together to find a mutually-agreeable solution in that manner. It would be both disrespectful and boundary-less of me to insist that he always jump the moment I say something, just as it would be so for anyone else to expect me to instantly drop what I am doing and carry out their every request.

This habit has been a good reminder for myself, as well. Sometimes, introvert that I am, I get overwhelmed by the constant questions, requests, and "Mommy, look at this!" that come my way all day. When that happens, there are times when I simply stop responding. Of course, being kids, this doesn't stop them - they just ask again. And again. And again. Ignoring someone is no more respectful when it comes from me than it is when it comes from them. It has been good for both of us to work on this habit together.

Finding this mutually-respectful solution has restored the sense of peace and togetherness that had been temporarily disrupted in our home. If he forgets to respond, he needs only a gentle reminder. If I fail to respond, he prompts me in a similar manner.

This, I believe, is the core of gentle discipline. Walk alongside your child with kindness and respect. Recognize a problem and together seek a solution, not a punishment. Peace and maturity will follow in time.

Is Obedience the Goal?

"The key to developing your children's full potential is to recognize that their foremost responsibility is to learn obedience. While they are living under your roof, they have a primary duty to learn to obey. It's absolutely crucial to understand that this is a child's primary goal in life. If a child can't learn to obey a parent who is visible, he'll never learn to obey a God who isn't." -Chip Ingram

"A child's primary goal [responsibility, duty] in life is to learn to obey." This quote is only one voice among many who presuppose the idea to be true. But is it? Is learning obedience the primary responsibility of children? Is obedience the goal of our parenting? While I will be exploring this question primarily from a Christian perspective, both the question and conclusion are universally relevant.

It's a tempting goal, to be sure. Who doesn't want obedient children? Things are certainly easier when a child obeys the first time, every time. Add to that the threat that a child who does not consistently obey his parent will be unable to obey God, and the whole question instantly becomes a non-issue. Of course the Christian parent wants his or her child to be able to obey God!

But for me, to have obedience as my goal is to have everything entirely backwards. Obedience is not my parenting goal.

Training a child to respond only to an external source of control fails to develop within them the confidence to make right choices in the face of pressure to do otherwise. It also fails to develop critical thinking skills, problem-solving skills, and the ability to hear and follow their own God-given instincts. It attunes them to external direction rather than the internal promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Training a child towards obedience is little more than moralistic behavior modification. It removes the child's focus from the bigger picture of God's story and places it instead on themselves and their own behaviour. Yet it is not our behaviour that draws us into a relationship with God, but rather His great love, kindness, mercy, and grace.

Although it is typically the parent who shapes a child's initial understanding of God, we cannot presume to take the place of God. Training a child to obey his parents in order to teach them how to obey God is both illogical and nearly blasphemous. God is perfect; we are not. Obedience to God is part of the child's own individual walk with God. It is not something that can be trained into them, but rather something they must to choose to do, and increasingly so as their relationship with Him deepens and matures.

Exploring God's Word

The Gospel of Mark tells the story of a rich man who asked Jesus how to inherit eternal life. This man had obeyed all of God's commandments since he was a boy, and yet he lacked one thing:

"Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.
-Mark 10:21-22

The man lacked one thing: a love for God that outweighed his love for earthly wealth and possessions.

But when we contrast this man, who had obeyed God's commandments since he was a young boy, with the one whom God called "a man after God's own heart", we find some striking differences. David, too, had great wealth, but his love for God far surpassed that. And yet David was not known for his obedience. This was a man who remained in Jerusalem while his troops were at work, coveted his neighbor's wife, committed adultery with her, devised a plan to cover up his sin, had his mistress's husband murdered, and remained silent about his sin for nine months before repenting to God.

Despite David's disobedience, his heart was for God. He loved God. We find this same theme played out over and over in Scripture. The ones named among the righteous - Noah, Abraham, Peter, and more - are not without grievous disobedience and cause for repentance. Conversely, those who are secure in their obedience - the rich man, the Pharisees, many of the religious rulers of the time - are those whose hearts were furthest from God, lacking a sincere love for God while praising their own righteousness. Jesus said that the prostitutes and tax collectors would see the Kingdom of God before the Pharisees.

Even today, those who focus on obedience often do all the right things, believe all the right things, and yet have a haughty arrogant superiority that says (often quite literally, out loud, says), "you are not good enough to deserve my love. You don't believe the right things. You don't act the right way. You don't line up with my idea of a 'good Christian'. I will not get to know you, I will not listen to your story, I will not love you as I love myself." Doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons. Clanging symbols without love.

No, mere obedience is not my goal. Obedience is important, but only within the correct context. The words of Jesus describe that context clearly in the book of John:

“If you love me, keep my commands. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever — the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?”

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.
-John 14:15-24

We cannot be obedient in our own right, sustained by our own power. "No one is good but God alone." (Luke 18:19) If pure goodness and obedience were possible, we would not have needed a Savior. Such a gospel is no gospel at all, for it lacks the Good News of the Messiah entirely. God does not want us to be merely moral and obedient for obedience's sake. He wants so much more than that: an obedience born out of love and sustained by the power of His Holy Spirit. Psalm 23 reminds us that He leads us along right paths for His name's sake. It is for His glory, not for the sake of our obedience. It is about Him, not about ourselves and our behaviour.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control."(Galatians 5:22-23a) Goodness is the fruit of the Spirit, not the fruit of our own strivings towards obedience. True obedience is alive, organic, and vibrant; mere moralistic obedience is flat, self-reliant, and lacking in a true understanding of God's desires and purposes. The former is the "obedience that comes from faith for his name’s sake" (Romans 1:5); the latter is a Pharisaical pseudo-righteous obedience to rules and precepts.

What are My Parenting Goals?

If God truly is the source of all goodness, and if I desire my children to come to live in true obedience to Him, my primary goal should be nothing more and nothing less than to point them towards the richness of God's love, kindness, mercy, and grace.

As such, if I had to sum up my entire parenting goal in a single word, it would be only this: Love. Loving my children is easy, but my goal is more than that. When I say that my goal is love, that goal is tri-fold: first, that I would express that love to my children in a healthy and undeniable way; second, that I would communicate clearly to them the unfailing love of their Heavenly Father, and develop in them a love and trust in response to that; and third, that they would love others in the truest possible sense of the word.

To phrase it another way, my goal for them is relationship: healthy relationships with family, with others, and ultimately and above all else with their Heavenly Father.

I don't want my children to walk through life simply doing as they are told. I want them to be awake and alive to the world in all its messy God-created glory, living their way through the ups and downs and greys in their own beautifully unique journey, a journey I could never presume to dictate for them, I who do not know what their Creator has planned.

My desire is to actively teach them right from wrong, pointing them always to the promptings of the Holy Spirit living within them that they may come to discern the difference for themselves. I desire to instill in them a strong internal locus of control that does not bend to external pressure, but rather chooses to do what is right in whatever situation they find themselves in. I desire to disciple them to maturity, not drill them to fear-based obedience where they recognize only external sources of control.

In short, my goal is to raise healthy, confident, self-aware, and compassionate individuals who love God with everything in them and who love others as themselves. If true, heart-level, internally-based obedience is a side-effect of that goal, all the better, but it will not and should not ever be my parenting goal in itself.

What is your primary parenting goal?

Gentle Discipline for Babies

From The Hippie Housewife Facebook page:

"Was wondering if you could share anything about positive discipline and redirection for babies? I am always finding wonderful articles for toddlers and older children, but I'm sure I'm not the only one that wants to hear more on the subject for babies. Thank you!"

____________________________

Babyhood is, for many, a delightful stage, filled with the joys of watching your new child go through all their exciting firsts: first smile, first roll, first time they reach for you, first time sitting up, first crawl, and on it goes. But it can also be the stage where parents feel the most helpless when it comes to discipline. After all, a baby cannot talk, lacks the reasoning skills of older children, does not comprehend cause-and-effect, and has yet to achieve understanding in many areas. What is a parent to do?

Prevention

Prevention is the single most effective tool at this age. Keep dangerous or breakable objects out of harm's way. Provide plenty of baby-safe space for exploring. A few necessary off-limit objects are fine (ours, for example, included our Wii and one shelf of books), but a room full of not-for-baby items squelches their ability to explore, learn, and grow in a healthy and age-appropriate manner.

Prevention also includes the baby's physical and emotional well-being. A baby who is tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or lacking connection with their primary caregiver will be less equipped to cope with the situations that arise in day-to-day life.

Build relationship

This is the time to be focusing on building the parent/child relationship through the development of communication and connection, not training the baby towards obedience. At this stage, the "Seven Baby B's" outlined by Dr. Sears are an excellent launching point. These seven tools include:

1. Birth bonding
2. Breastfeeding
3. Babywearing
4. Bedding close to baby
5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry
6. Beware of baby trainers
7. Balance

These tools are typically a parent's first foray into learning to read, trust, and respond to the child's cues. As the parent and child learn to communicate through the giving and receiving of these cues, a strong connection grows between them. This connection and its resulting mutual trust and sensitivity will form the basis of the parent/child relationship and become the foundation upon which future discipline will rely.

Distract, redirect, and follow through

Other top tools during babyhood include distraction, redirection, and follow-through. Remain cheerful and matter-of-fact throughout. "Oh, not for baby! Here's your toy, let's play over here." Say it and then do it. Calmly and consistently follow through by picking them up, removing them from the situation, and moving them to a more acceptable activity. These tools can be applied to a number of situations, including wiggling during diaper changes (distract with a toy or song), touching off-limit items (redirect to an appropriate object), or wanting to crawl away when that's not an option (distract with a busy bag).

Specific issues

Biting

Biting while nursing is often the first "discipline" issue that arises in a child's life. For the sake of the continued nursing relationship, nursing manners and boundaries must be established at a developmentally-appropriate level, often beginning with boundaries regarding biting. The most effective way to demonstrate that biting is unacceptable while nursing is to immediately end the nursing session. For a more detailed discussion of what to do when baby bites during nursing, see Kellymom's article on "When Baby Bites".

Particularly during teething, biting is common even when the child is not nursing. The most important thing to remember is that this is a stage. Truly, this too shall pass. However, the fact that it is normal and usually temporary does not make it something that should be encouraged or accepted. Be alert in order to prevent most bites, but if a sneak-attack does get through, let the baby know how it felt with a startled exclamation: "Ouch! Biting hurts!" (Be careful, however, not to overdo it and make the reaction an object of desire! Just keep it firm and simple.) Then replace the undesirable action with a positive one: "Here, you may chew on this."

Hitting

Ideally, the parent will be alert to the forthcoming hit and will be able to catch the baby's arm mid-swing. Regardless of whether the hit lands or is stopped, however, the response remains the same. Similar to biting, this response should include a) an exclamation and b) a replacement action. Our script has remained the same: "Ouch! Hitting hurts! Touch gently." Then, while stroking the child's hand against our cheek, we repeat the word "gentle". As the baby grows, this script is soon shortened to a simple reminder of "gentle", at which point the child replaces the would-be strike with a gentle stroke of our cheek.

Practice this word during calm moments as well. "Can you show me gentle? Oh yes! That's so gentle." It then becomes a fun bonding moment in addition to a reinforcement of the simple phrasing.

Screaming

One of the most common questions from parents of babies is how to make them stop screaming. Once they've found their voice, screaming and shrieking is an exciting way for them to experiment with this exciting discovery, but it's often not so exciting for the parents!

Unfortunately, there is little that can be done to stop a child from excitedly shrieking. The best proactive measure, however, is to turn the opposite skill - whispering - into a fun game. Practice talking as quietly as you can, and then as loud as you can, and then quietly again. This develops the skill of using a quiet voice and associates it with a single word that can then be used when the screaming starts.

What to avoid

Physical discipline is inappropriate for any stage, and babyhood is no exception. Parents are often admonished to slap legs, squeeze hands, pull hair, pinch arms, swat mouths, and spank bottoms of even the smallest babies, always accompanied with dire warnings of raising spoiled, self-centered little monsters if you fail to properly put them in their place right from the beginning.

Studies, however, have repeatedly demonstrated the damaging effects of physical discipline. Slapping hands has been shown to reduce healthy exploration and risk-taking, and the resulting lower self-confidence leads to lower IQ scores. The more children are spanked, the more likely they are to become noncompliant, aggressive, and antisocial. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not endorse spanking under any circumstance. It is a form of punishment that becomes less effective with repeated use, according to the AAP; it also makes discipline more difficult as the child outgrows it.

The word "no" is often a favourite among babies, and for good reason: it is typically the word they hear most often throughout the day. Avoid overusing the word "no". If possible, phrase your response differently and offer an alternative. Consider if there is a way to say yes. Can you sit down with the child to safely explore the item of curiosity? Can the "one-finger touch" rule be implemented with an older baby/toddler? While saying no is often the easier route to take, a child's learning can be greatly enriched when a parent seeks to find a way to say "yes" to healthy exploration. (Yes to every request for a cookie or a new toy? Not so healthy. Good judgement and common sense must always be the rule.)

Summary

Babyhood is the stage to be focusing on forming and strengthening the parent/child relationship. While this relational focus should remain throughout all stages, it is of particular importance during this formative year when the relationship has not yet been established.

With that focus in place, there are some tools that can be used to gently guide a baby through the trials of his or her first year. Proactive prevention, both in terms of the baby's environment and the baby's physical and emotional well-being, will set the child up for success and allow him or her the greatest opportunity to grow and explore in a healthy and age-appropriate manner. In addition to these proactive measures, distraction, redirection, and follow-through are excellent tools for guiding babies towards acceptable modes of play and exploration. Undesirable actions can be gradually, calmly, and consistently replaced with acceptable alternatives: teething toys instead of biting, gentle touches instead of hitting, whispering when necessary instead of yelling, and so on.

Ultimately, remember that babies grow out of the baby stage. They will grow out of it. There is often little you can do other than remaining proactive and keeping your responses calm. As they grow in their understanding, more and more gentle discipline tools can be added, but for now simply keep in mind that a baby is a baby. They are not being "bad" or "defiant" or "manipulative"; they are simply responding to the world around them in the only way they yet know how. Those reactions will be increasingly replaced with more appropriate responses throughout their childhood, but this need not, and indeed cannot, all happen now.

Additional Resources:
The Hows of Discipline
Gentle Discipline for Toddlers
Attachment Parenting Series: The Seven Baby B's

Do you have any specific baby-related discipline questions? What tools have you found to be most effective during the baby years? Share your baby-related gentle discipline tips in the comments below!

Hana Williams: Another child "disciplined" to death

This Saturday will mark six months since the tragic death of thirteen-year-old Hana Grace Rose Williams, born Hana Alemu, who died at the hands of her adoptive parents Larry and Carri Williams.

Hana is the third in a string of deaths linked to the use of training methods outlined in Michael and Debi Pearl's book, "To Train Up a Child". The deaths of seven-year-old Lydia Schatz and four-year-old Sean Paddock were also attributed to the use of these teachings. The siblings of all three children were found to have been struck repeatedly with plumbing supply line, the tool recommended by the Pearls for "training" children as young as six months old.

Are the teachings in the Pearls' book inherently abusive? At first glance, perhaps not. They wrap their message up in pretty bows, encouraging parents to "tie strings" and develop mutual respect and trust. A cursory read-through by a well-meaning parent may raise only a few easily-ignored red flags. But what happens when these teachings are followed religiously and taken to their logical conclusion?

The horrifying affidavit filed after Hana's death paints precisely this picture. For months, Hana had been regularly beaten, denied food, forced to shower under cold water outside, locked in a dark closet, and permitted to use only the lavatory set up for her behind the barn. She ultimately succumbed to hypothermia when left outside in the rain. Her adopted brother had endured similar abuses, including being hosed down in cold water when his documented medical condition caused him to urinate in his pants.

The Pearls would deny that any such abusive actions had any relation to the teachings in their book. And yet according to the affidavit:

"Other forms of discipline taught in this book include cold water bathes to assist in toilet training or putting the children outside in the cold weather, having them miss meals and sleeping on the floor or outside as forms of punishment."

The book itself further substantiates these claims:

"So, my suggestion was that the father explain to the boy that, now that he was a man [at all of three years old], he would no longer be washed in the house. He was too big and too stinky to be cleaned by the babywipes. From now on, he would be washed outside with a garden hose. The child was not to be blamed. This was to be understood as just a progressive change in methods. The next dump, the father took him out and merrily, and might I say, carelessly, washed him off. What with the autumn chill and the cold well water, I don’t remember if it took a second washing or not, but, a week later, the father told me his son was now taking himself to the pot. The child weighed the alternatives and opted to change his lifestyle. Since then, several others have been the recipients of my meddling, and it usually takes no more than three cheerful washings."

"If a child doesn’t like what is on the table, let him do without until the next meal. A little fasting is good training."

"If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final."

"Use your own judgment as to what is effective. I found five to ten licks usually sufficient. Sometimes, with older children, usually when the licks are not forceful enough, the child may still be rebellious. If this occurs, take time to instruct and then continue the spanking. A general rule is to continue the disciplinary action until the child is surrendered."

Continue the disciplinary action until the child is surrendered...or dead.

After Lydia's death, Micheal released a statement saying that he "laughed at his caustic critics". A child is dead, and Michael laughs. He concludes his lengthy mocking statement with the following:

"Even my chickens are laughing...well, actually it is more like cackling, because they just laid another organic egg for my breakfast and they know that it was that same piece of ¼ inch plastic supply line that trained the dogs not to eat chicken."

To put this into perspective, consider author Stephen King's response when actual school shootings were linked to his book "Rage". Far from laughing, King expressed deep remorse and had the book pulled from further publication. That is the human, compassionate response to death. Michael Pearl laughed.

But there is hope. These deaths are not going unnoticed. As these children rest safely in the arms of their Heavenly Father, others are questioning the Pearls' methods. CNN recently a ran a two-part series on Michael Pearl and Lydia Schatz (Part 1 and Part 2), which was later followed up with their report Ungodly Discipline and interview Faith and Discipline after the death of Hana Williams. The New York Times has also reported on the Pearls and their role in Hana's death. Although the reports thus far have failed to truly unearth the severity of these teachings, they are a hopeful beginning.

Others are speaking out against the Pearls' abusive teachings as well:

• Why Not Train a Child has explored why blame the Pearls at all?, a question explored further in Part 2. The blog continues to follow the unfolding story and the many reactions it has elicited.
• Elizabeth Esther wrote about another dead child, the cognitive dissonance of "biblical" child-training, and why the Pearls must be held accountable.
• Free by His Grace has asked, Hana Williams: “Rebellion” or Reaction to Abuse?
• TulipGirl wrote about Hana Williams and the Pearls and parenting.
• A member of No Longer Quivering shared her own heartbreaking experience with using the Pearls' materials in her article Corpses Don't Rebel.
• Christianity Today writer Rachel Stone read the book for herself, discovering that the line between the Pearls’ “child training” and child abuse is blurry at best.

In memory of Hana, I will be devoting next week to a three-part exploration of the "rod verses" in Proverbs. While the issue at hand isn't limited to corporal punishment - even many who spank find the Pearls' teachings to be horrifying and cruel - it is the Pearls' twisted use of Scripture that so many supporters, both fervent and reluctant, hold out as evidence that what he teaches must be biblical. It is my hope that the idea of physical chastisement as a necessary, or even acceptable, part of "biblical" discipline will continue to be questioned by those who learn of the tragic results of such twisted theology.

As I've asked before: How many more? How many more children need to die before the teachings of the Pearls are seen for what they really are? How much longer will this needless abuse happen behind closed doors, not at the hands of monsters, but those of well-meaning, loving parents who have been taken in by the Pearls' promises of godly children? This is not a case of taking away nuggets of gold and leaving behind the small part that tends to the extreme - no, this is a case of digging through a garbage dump in hopes of finding one small fleck of gold. Perhaps the Pearls are all the more insidious for that very reason: for all their advice of "tying heartstrings", the practicality of carrying out what they put forth achieves anything but attachment.

Wordless Wednesday: Strength and clarity

(Photo courtesy of the preschooler, my budding photographer.)


"Deep down, Jack really does want to be good, but he is also strong willed and volatile, often at the mercy of his emotions. What he most needs from me then is not an emotional hurricane of equal fury, but just the opposite - a living example of the kind of strength and clarity that will ultimately show him the way to make constructive use of his own energies. Children need clear boundaries as they learn to master socially acceptable behavior, but they also need exposure to the art of self-control. Where else will my sons learn grace under pressure, if not right here in their own home?"

- Katrina Kenison, "Mitten Strings for God"

Attachment Parenting: Beyond the baby years

Today in our Attachment Parenting Series, we will be discussing Attachment Parenting beyond the baby years. If you have written a post on Attachment Parenting children, please do share it with us in the comments below!

Introduction

Attachment Parenting during the baby years is fairly straightforward. While the specifics and application varies with each individual family, the seven "Baby B's" provide a basic foundation to caring for a baby with an attachment focus.

Once the toddler years hit, however, many parents are caught off-guard. Parents often find themselves without the practical tools nor the underlying philosophy needed to carry on with AP as their children grow. Suddenly nursing isn't the answer to every difficulty. Crying becomes more difficult to solve. Discipline becomes a challenge. Some parents, unsure of how to navigate their child's big feelings, begin resorting to time outs and other punishments. Others, accustomed to meeting their infant's every need, carry this dynamic into the older years in the form of appeasing their child's every desire. Both of these responses, punitive and permissive, fail to meet the needs of the child or to strengthen the parent/child relationship.

A starting point

A good starting point for parents who have passed the baby stage is Attachment Parenting International's eight Principles of Parenting:

• Prepare for pregnancy, birth, and parenting
• Feed with love and respect
• Respond with sensitivity
• Use nurturing touch
• Ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally
• Provide consistent and loving care
• Practice positive discipline
• Strive for balance in personal and family life

As with Dr. Sears' seven "Baby B's", the specifics and application of each of these principles will vary according to the unique needs of the individual family. Browse through each article to get an idea of how the principles may be applied in your home.

The core of AP

Far more than merely the decision to breastfeed or co-sleep, however, the core of Attachment Parenting is the promotion of a responsive, relationship-based approach to raising children. It encourages the parent to respond sensitively to their child's needs, seeking ways to build and strengthen a mutually-trusting parent/child relationship.

With that in mind, the parent can better determine the specifics in a way that is right for their family. Each AP tool serves to strengthen and build on this relational foundation. Not every family will use every tool or use them in the same way. It is the heart behind the tool – the desire to respond sensitively to the child's needs and to seek ways to build and strengthen a mutually-trusting parent/child relationship – that is of true importance.

Four keys

So how does this play out practically once the baby years have passed? There are four key ideas that will assist parents in staying relationally-focused as their children grow:

1. Focus on solutions: Rather than relying on threats, punishments, bribes, or rewards to control our children's behaviour, keep the focus on seeking solutions. This will allow the parent to discipline the child in a positive, proactive, and connective manner. Provide the child with the opportunity to fix their errors by having them brainstorm solutions and be responsible for making amends. This responsibility should be given to them at increasingly greater levels as they grow.

2. Teach skills: As with focusing on solutions, teaching skills will assist our children in navigating life in a way that keeps their dignity intact. The skills range from the most basic (taking turns, cleaning up messes) to the more complex (problem solving, conflict resolution) We are to actively teach, guide, and disciple them to maturity. Teach them what to do instead of what not to do. Model these life skills as well, and narrate decision-making processes out loud for children to overhear and learn from.

3. Accept emotions: Keep in mind that happy is not the only acceptable emotion. Children will face a number of strong emotions throughout their lives. On the one hand, your job is not to keep your child happy at all costs; on the other, a child should never be shamed or punished for feeling and expressing negative emotions. The goal is to teach them healthy ways to understand, express, and work through those emotions. Parents should not allow the presence or absence of tears to dictate their decisions, but should always come alongside the child to support them through those times using reflection and empathy. Remember that crying is not always something that needs to be fixed.

4. Strengthen relationships: All of our efforts will be futile without a strong parent/child relationship as the supporting foundation. Connect through physical touch, verbal affirmation, and focused quality time.

For more detailed practical tips, refer to The Hows of Discipline and Gentle Discipline for Toddlers.

Avoiding punitive and permissive responses

As mentioned earlier, the two potential downfalls of AP parents who are leaving the baby years include punitive parenting on the one side and permissive parenting on the other.

An AP parent who lacks positive discipline tools may fall back on the popular punitive model in an effort to clamp down on troublesome behaviour. Punitive parenting seeks to modify a child's behaviour through punishment. It is an adversarial style of parenting where the parent comes down on the child from above with the goal of controlling and conquering, rather than coming along side the child to connect and disciple. Parent and child are pitted against each other instead of placed on the same team. A reliance on punishments, however, controls only the outward behaviour and fails to instill strong internal motives. By design, punishment prevents the child from accepting responsibility for their actions, taking ownership of the problem, developing problem-solving skills, and making amends for their mistakes.

In contrast, permissive parenting neglects to provide children with the safety of consistently enforced boundaries. Permissive parenting may rely heavily on praise to achieve the desired results, but the absence of punishment fails to make this a positive parenting technique. This is the more common downfall for the AP parent who, having acknowledged that a baby's needs and wants are very much the same thing and being accustomed to meeting their baby's needs in a sensitive and responsive manner, carries the same attitude over into the toddler and older years. Even though the child's wants and needs are no longer one and the same, the parent continues to act as though they are.

Children thrive best within a framework of healthy boundaries. Without these limits, the child will act out in search of them, seeking their safety and predictability. It is this desire for predictable boundaries that makes punishment-based parenting programs appear to work. The parent is instructed to consistently punish the child when they overstep a boundary, and it is this consistency, rather than the punishment itself, that has positive results. Unfortunately, the physical and emotional pain that accompanies punishments has many negative results, and the child will internalize this bad along with the good.

Much of what is considered punitive parenting is actually permissive parenting. Rather than calmly and consistently enforcing age-appropriate boundaries, this style of permissive parent allows the child to overstep boundaries over and over again until the parent explodes with frustration and overreacts, coming down strong to get the child's behaviour back in line. This may happen with no warning, leaving the child walking on eggshells for fear of triggering the unexpected annoyance, or it may happen after several unenforced warnings. This latter sort of inconsistency is equally confusing the child, who never knows when the parent "really means it" and when it's just one in another long stream of baseless warnings, culminating in the final punitive enforcement when the parent decides they've had enough.

Attachment Parenting is incompatible with both of these parenting styles.  It eschews the punitive response, with its focus on external behaviour above the internal, as well as the permissive response, with its lack of consistently-enforced age-appropriate boundaries.  Attachment Parenting focuses instead on building the parent/child relationship and, from the mutual trust and respect that arises from that relationship, coming along side the child to teach and guide them to maturity.

Summary

Attachment Parenting can be fairly straightforward during the baby years, but many parents are caught off-guard by the more difficult demands of parenting children.  While the eight "Principles of Parenting" offered by Attachment Parenting International can provide a starting point, which parents can then implement in a way that meets the unique needs of their family, it is helpful to first have an understanding of the underlying core of AP.

The heart of AP is the promotion of a responsive, relationship-based approach to raising children.  It encourages parents to respond sensitively to their child's needs, seeking ways to build and strengthen a mutually-trusting parent/child relationship.

To maintain this responsive and relational focus, there are four keys that can provide positive direction. First, focus on seeking solutions rather than imposing consequences. Second, teach the child useful life skills, such as problem-solving and conflict resolution, rather than focusing on instructing the child on what not to do. Third, assist the child in understanding, expressing, and working through their emotions in healthy ways, rather than allowing either parent or child to be controlled by the child's emotions. Finally, always seek to strengthen the parent/child relationship through the use of physical touch, verbal affirmation, and focused quality time.

This parent/child relationship is not adversarial, with the parent coming down from above to control or conquer, but rather places the parent and child on the same team, with the parent coming along side to connect and disciple. Conversely, the parent/child relationship is not indulgent, with the parent seeking to appease the child's every desire, but instead aims to provide the child with the security of consistently-enforced boundaries while providing them with the skills and support needed to grow into maturity.

By avoiding the dangers of both punitive and permissive parenting, the AP parent is free to focus instead on building the parent/child relationship and, from the mutual trust and respect that arises from that relationship, coming along side the child to teach and guide them to maturity.

Recommended Reading:

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, Ph.D.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish
Kids Are Worth It!: Giving your child the gift of inner discipline by Barbara Coloroso
The Discipline Book and The Successful Child by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N.

Ten alternatives to time-outs

As parents begin to seek a more gentle method of discipline, they often start by dropping the obvious punishments, such as spanking or removal of unrelated privileges. Finding themselves without tools to enforce their instructions, they begin to rely heavily on traditional time-outs in place of their former punishments.

The traditional form of time-out involves sending a child to a particular spot (their bedroom, a "naughty chair", the corner, etc) for a particular length of time (often one minute per year of age) in order to "think about what they've done." For most children, however, the time is spent in anger, stewing over the apparent injustice of their punishment. When used arbitrarily or too often, it prevents the child from understanding the true consequences of their action and fails to get to the root of the behaviour. The overall message becomes one of rejection rather than teaching, causing the child to withdraw and damaging the parent/child relationship.

Sometimes a child does need time and space to be alone in order to cool off. In those instances, rather than setting a timer, it is preferable to allow the child to return when s/he is feeling in control once again. "You may not continue to hit/kick/speak rudely/etc. Go cool down in your room and return when you are able to treat your family kindly." This is followed with a calm discussion and reconnection. However, this method works best for an older child who has already been taught the skills needed to know how to calm themselves down, who has previously exhibited the need to be alone in order to do this, and for whom being alone is not a frightening event. Many other children and situations require a different response.

While there is no single answer to cover all circumstances, having a variety of tools will allow parents to best meet the needs of their unique child in their unique situation. Here we will explore ten alternatives to time-outs; as always, I welcome your additional gentle discipline tools in the comments below.

1. Time-In

Children must be actively parented through their intense emotions in order to learn how to process and move past them in a healthy way. A time-in is a prime opportunity for this type of teaching, providing the child with vital skills that will serve them throughout their life.

Rather than depriving children of their parents' attention, a time-in is time together to build relationship, communication, and cooperation. It places the parent and child on the same side rather than pitting them against one another.

During a time-in, the parent and child can focus on working through the situation. It is a time of connection that includes both physical touch and eye contact. The parent can teach the child a variety of calming techniques (deep breathing, drawing, physical outlets, etc) and then move on to discussing the emotions behind the behaviour. What led up to it? What are better alternatives for next time?

A time-in can also be used proactively. In this sense, the parent ensures the child receives focused attention at regular intervals, thereby strengthening the parent/child relationship and meeting the child's emotional needs. This builds cooperation while reducing negative attention-seeking behaviour.

2. Comfort Corner

A comfort corner is an opportunity for the child to regroup in a calming environment, surrounded by things that bring them comfort. A comfort corner may include pillows, blankets, books, stuffed animals, water, snacks, a mind jar, a notepad and pencil, music, or any other item that brings the child comfort or helps them to refocus. It should be private but not isolated; it may be located in a corner of the main living area, in a bedroom, in a small alcove, on a comfortable chair, or even tucked away in a tote bag to be pulled out when needed.

A comfort corner is often used, particularly with young children or when first introduced, in conjunction with a time-in. Again, this is an opportunity to assist the child in dealing with their intense emotions, teaching them the skills needed to regroup and refocus. A child must be taught how to calm down and regroup before you can request that they do so. The goal of the comfort corner is for the child to learn how to do these things for themself.

Rather than a punishment, the comfort corner should be a positive experience, a place of calm and comfort. When the child is in need of a quiet break, direct them to the comfort comfort. If they protest, guide them there for some cuddling. "I can see you are having trouble controlling yourself. Let's go to the comfort corner together and I will show you how you can help yourself to feel better." The child is free to leave the comfort corner when s/he feels they are ready.

Parents can model this practice when they are feeling frustrated or angry. "I am feeling ___. I am going to go sit somewhere quiet and listen to music for a few minutes until I feel more calm." This is modelling the essential life skill of recognizing when you need to remove yourself from a situation to calm down, regain your composure, and correct your attitude.

3. Prevention

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." A parent can set the child up for success by ensuring the child's physical needs (healthy diet, adequate sleep, physical activity, sensory outlets) and emotional needs (love, attention, security) are met. Consider the child's environment as well. Excess clutter or noise can negatively impact a child's behaviour; anger and tension will have negative effects as well.

4. Look Beyond the Behaviour

Look beyond the child's behaviour to its underlying cause or driving need. Is the child hungry? tired? hurt? lonely? Is the child teething? Does the child need a physical or sensorial outlet? Does a growing child need additional responsibilities to challenge and occupy their growing minds? A traditional time-out deals with only the symptom; move beyond that to deal with the root cause.

5. Playful Parenting

Playful parenting can be an ideal way to diffuse tension and regain cooperation. Play can also be used to help a child work through their feelings. Rather than engaging in a power struggle, lighten the situation with silliness. Role-playing, task races, and exaggerated threats are some common playful parenting techniques.

6. Distraction and Redirection

Sometimes a simple distraction or redirection is sufficient to deal with the situation; not every incident requires a direct head-on approach. As with playful parenting, this is an ideal way to circumvent a power struggle, given the right circumstances. In the same vein, a change in the environment can shift everyone into a better mood: head outdoors, run a bath, go to the library, or put on some music.

7. Empathy

Sometimes a child just wants to be heard. Take a moment to empathize with the child. Listen to, reflect back, and validate their feelings. When necessary, assist the child in expressing those feelings in a healthy, appropriate, and acceptable manner. "Try again" is a useful script for a child who has already been coached on appropriate expressions of feelings and just needs the reminder to use a proper tone.

8. Put the Ball in Their Court

Empower the child to take responsibility for rectifying the situation. Depending on the age and particular circumstances, this can take a variety of forms, including (but not limited to) the following:

• offer them a choice between two or three acceptable alternatives
• use the "when...then..." script ("when your room is clean, then we can go to the park")
• sit down and brainstorm solutions to a problem with them, allowing them to be a full participant in the process
• give them the responsibility for righting the wrong (cleaning up the mess, making amends to the hurt party, following through on given instructions, etc)

The goal is to empower them to accept responsibility for their actions, think for themselves, consider the alternatives, make a decision, and follow through with solving the situation.

9. Talk and Problem-Solve

In a quiet, calm voice, talk through the situation if the child is the right frame of mind for a discussion. Seek their perspective on the matter and offer your own. If emotions are running too high in the heat of the moment, talk through the situation later after both parent and child have had time to calm down and regroup. The purpose of our parenting should be problem-solving and teaching, not behaviour-training through consequences or punishments.

10. Shift Perspective

Sometimes we allow our own feelings and frustrations to erupt on our families. We overreact to innocent childish behaviour, wanting them out of our hair so we can have a few precious moments to be still and think. Sometimes it's us who need to take a time-out of sorts.

Regardless of the situation, a parent can begin by taking a deep calming breath. Walk away from the situation if you need to calm down, regain your composure, or gain perspective on the situation. Is the situation as urgent or important as your initial reaction would suggest? Are you able to separate the child's behaviour from the child themselves? What do you want to teach your child, going forward, through the way you handle this situation? Keep in mind that the goal is to find a solution, not a consequence or punishment.

Once you have regrouped, go back to your child and request a do-over. Be willing to apologize if your initial reaction warrants it. Get down on your child's level and reconnect with a hug. Take a moment to hear their point of view, and then seek a solution together.


A special note about aggressive behaviour:  Most hitting can be prevented by consistent action when the child is very small. The first time a toddler swings with the intent to hit, catch their arm mid-swing and firmly say, "no hitting; hitting hurts". Then gently stroke your cheek with the child's hand while saying "gentle". Repeat consistently. This nips most hitting in the bud, with a simple "gentle" being sufficient to remind them to use their hands gently.

However, sometimes hitting behaviour will persist, appear at later stages, or simply occur in the heat of the moment. When a child hits another child, a logical consequence is removal from play with the other children. "You hit, you sit." This gives you an opportunity to comfort the child who was hit. You can then attend to the child who did the hitting, reiterating that hitting is unacceptable and allowing them the opportunity to explain the situation (if they are old enough) and/or calm down with you until they are in control of themselves and ready to resume playing with the other children. This can be used in conjunction with the techniques listed above.

When a child hits a parent, the parent can state clearly and firmly that they will not allow the child to hurt them. This is an excellent opportunity to model strong boundaries. A particularly aggressive child may need to be restrained until they have regained control. Once the child is calm, teach the child what they can do to express their anger (drawing "angry pictures", writing out their feelings, talking through the situation, doing an "angry dance", etc). Anger is acceptable; hitting is not.


Additional Resources:
Positive Time-Out by Jane Nelsen
Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish